major depression

[helpless]

Hi - glad I found this site. Dad had a major stroke in May. Has been through rehap, pt and ot and speech. He's left with some mobility in his right arm, and can walk with assistance. He is unable to speak except to say yes, no, etc. He is unable to swallow except soft foods fed by his speech therapist. He is on a monitored feeding tube, due to the fact that he was getting dehydrated and sick to his stomach on regular feedings. He is currently in a nursing home. We are not sure he can read, although he can play solitaire and seems to recognize some numbers.

My real delimma is this - He's in oklahoma, i'm in kansas and my sister is in texas. We get to see him every 3 weeks or so, but when we do see him, all he does is cry. My sister went there at Thanksgiving and he sobbed and cried so much it was a very difficult visit.

Someone help - would it be worth it to try to get round the clock care for him and get him back in his own home?

helpless

[jriva]

 

 

Hi Helpless...

 

What about the option of moving him into a nursing home close to where you or your sister live so that one of you can monitor/visit him a couple of times a week? It would be really hard to keep track of what kind of care he'd be getting in his own home if no one in the family was close by to make sure he isn't being taken advantage of or abused since he can't talk to tell family. (Between my husband's mother and his niece, who have used home care services for over 15 years, I've learned one thing: they need to be monitored closely and often! There have been a few horror stories along the way, let me tell you.)

 

Is your dad on anti-depressants for Emotional Libility? How old is he? His chances of ever living independantly depend on a lot of things including his age and finances to afford long-term help. Swallowing and speech are major hurtles to over come to be living on his own again. It can be done but not without a LOT of help from professionals.

 

Jean

 

 

[swilkinson]

This is one of the problems of our mobile society, we all move away from home and when there are problems it is hard to decide what to do.

 

Firstly I guess your dad is on anti-depressants, if you can you might ask if there is another one he can take to help with the crying. Then consider how you can help him through the visit, taking special food, favourite music, magazines he likes etc. to make it a happy visit. Have you talked with the staff to find out what his emotions are like day to day? It might be that he behaves differently in front of you as a release of emotion occurs.

 

I agree with Jean that it would be good if he could be close to one of his family, unless there is a special reason for him being where he is, such as access to old friends who will visit him.

 

I moved my parents in with me, made for a lot of work and stress but I would do it again. Have a conference of family and friends and get a few options to look at. Also, if possible at the facility he is at now at have a conference with some of the staff and find out their slant on his future. it is all a very big decision.

 

You will be in my prayerss.

Sue.

[fking]

Welcome Helpless, to the board, some of the members here will be able to offer some insight from their own experiences.

 

Seems to me getting him back in his own home would be good. Around the clock care would depend on need and his ability at this point and affordability. Is he going to be around family in his home? Otherwise, I would think he would be better by being close to you or your sister, if there is no one else in Oklahoma.

[door60]

I would definately move him back to his home with 24 hour care if the finances permit it. If you do this, though, you should also have a neighbor check in on him several times a week to make sure your Dad likes his caregiver. Then down the line, I would talk to your Dad and tell him you'd like to move him in his own apartment near you or your sister. Either way, if the finances are there, I would try to get him in his own home, even if that means a new home for him.

Dorrie

[helpless]

Thanks for everyone's quick response.

Dad has brothers, sisters, in-laws, etc. where he is. His brother checks on him every day. Without him there. there would be no question as to where Dad would be.

There's a nursing home where I live, and he's on the list, but it's small (only 60 rooms), and we're waiting for a private room. Dad can't tolerate being around the other residents. That's why I'm considering the option of his own home. I've heard the nightmare stories also, but I just don't know what to do.

I read somewhere about special phycologists (sp) that work with stroke patients to determine their emotional state. Does anyone know anything about this?

His doctor is no good, so I'm pretty much on my own as far as getting information.

Beyond changing medication - I wonder if Dad's brain has healed enough after 6 months that he's finally realizing the state he's in and that there won't be anymore progress for him.

Any thoughts? I guess Ijust need some feedback to help me know which direction to go.

Thanks for your prayers.

[helpless]

P.S. Sorry I didn't answer all questions. Dad turns 86 on Friday. He is on anti-depressants, however the doc says its a low dose. Trying to get this doc todo anything is very difficult. I'veconsidered changing docs. Good or bad idea?

[jriva]

 

 

My dad had a series of TIAs resulting in dementia and we used a geriatric shrink for several years. We were very happy with his evaluations and recommendations. He made sure his regular GP was using medications that the elderly could handle which made a big difference for Dad and he got Dad in a clinic trial that was quite valuable. He didn't take the place of a GP but it was another check and balance and he was very experienced with all health issues that effect the elderly including strokes. The best thing he did was help my dad and us kids come to terms with what was going on in a very positive way.

 

Good luck in whatever path you take!

 

Jean

[jriva]

 

Pam,

 

What helpless said was: "I wonder if Dad's brain has healed enough after 6 months that he's finally realizing the state he's in and that there won't be anymore progress for him." She didn't say it was HER attitude...only that it is possibly her dad's attitude. He's 89 years old, has feeding tube and can't talk. I don't believe it's unrealistic to imagine that her dad might be giving up on himself.

 

You and I both know that the stroke survivor and their supporting families' attitudes makes a big difference in the recovery process. But age does enter into the equation, too. It's much harder for a person near 90 to face a long recovery process than someone young like you were when you had your stroke.

 

Jean

[slomolapdog]

Dear "Helpless":

 

You can help by gathering information from this high quality site, full of friends and folks with empathy (not just sympathy). You have to be patient, but keep gathering information. It would be helpful to know if your Dad is a veteran of U.S. military service. Then, if he is a veteran you can get much needed healthcare at low or no cost, saving huge expenses.

 

Could you please outline his physical and psycological "deficits" he has been left with?

 

For example;

 

"He has partially paralized hand and arm on his left side. left side visual deficit, left side hearing deficit, occasional outbursts of frustration and even anger, trouble talking without slurring words and facial sag on left side of face."

 

I will pray for you and your Dad. Now is probably a good time to cultivate a close relationship with GOD through prayer......can't possibly hurt. I know prayer worked for me and my family, extended family and friends.

 

With warmest personal regards,

 

From Your New Friend,

 

Steve Charton

a.k.a.- "slomolapdog"

13 Year Stroke Survivor and Stroke Network Mentor

 

 

P.S.- We use the term "survivor", rather than other terms like "victim", to let others know we love the blessing that we have survived and we look forward to a brighter future of progress and improvement. Know this, things can and will improve with time.

 

 

[rosejill]

Helpless, I don't know if my experience will help you a decision or not, but I know when I was a in-patient, the feeling I had was such a helpless feeling. As a matter of fact, I had never felt so helpless in my 53 yrs. Just having to depend on someone else for literally every thing really made my depression twice as bad and cry I did, at the least little thing and only when I had a member of my family there just about every day and night did I feel safe. I just know I wanted to be home so bad and knowing staying at the rehab was going to be for my benefit and help me in the long run I still wanted to be in my home where I felt safe at. I know alot of my problems were learning to adjust to the stroke and getting it through my head that I couldn't be what I had always called "independent". So, could it be just maybe after all the years of being independent, he's trying to adjust to this new life. If that could be a reason having his family and friends around I think would help a great deal but also it could be that he needs a different type of anti-depressant because having dealt w/ depression most of my life, I've learned that what helps one may not help another. Good luck and God Bless.......rose

[helpless]

Sorry folks. I didn't expect to be lambasted on this site. Since I seemed to come across unfeeling in the interest of being to the point, let me clarify a few things.

First - Dad and Mom MOVED AWAY FROM US - not the other way around. They retired in their hometown near their brothers and sisters. It's been a Godsend for the past 20 years, more so since my mom died 15 years ago. Ever since then I have tried to get dad to move closer to my sister and I. He wouldn't talk about it at all, would just change the subject. The only concession I got out of him was a durable power of attorney. Thank the Lord for that.

Second - I would do ANYTHING to make my dad happy - hence the private room in his hometown so his family can visit daily if they wish.

Third - I haven't given up on him at all. We paid privately for and are still paying for, speech therapy. Even after everyone gave up that he would ever be able to swallow. After all this time he is finally able to swallow mashed potatoes, and thickened ice cream, a bite or two a few times a week. With a great deal of caution since he could aspirate.

He has limited mobility in his right arm. He can walk with assistance. He unhooks himself from his feeding tube to go to the bathroom by himself (which he is not supposed to do). Facial features are fine.

He can clear his throat and say yes, no, let see and thats about it. The rest is mumbling.

He gets agitated easily and angry and shakes his fist at people. Then he cries. Last week he refused to be bathed until the nurse said she wouldn't take no for an answer again.

I appreciate your answer on the evaluation. I will contact the rehab hospital he was in and see if they can recommend someone.

In my way of thinking, I need to know some answers before I can know whether to move him in his home again.

[swilkinson]

I am no expert on this but from reading your posts it seems there are some stroke issues and some age issues here.

My Mum has Alzheimers and early on had aggression, neglect of health issues ( refusing to shower) and sudden bursts of anger. She had not had a stroke, these were simply age issues aggravated by the Alzheimers.

We are here to help in any way we can long distance. We all have our own issues and buttons that can get accidently pushed (try me on keeping a house tidy! Grr) so be patient with us as well as with him.

And keep coming back.

Sue.

[hera]

Dear Helpless,

I just wanted to give you a hug of support. Everyone here means well, but sometimes in this kind of forum, there is misinterpretation and then miscommunication. That might lead, consequently, to feeling resentful, rejected, misuderstood, and even more helpless.

 

There are survivors, caregivers and families and friends of survivors from all over the USA, Europe, Australia, Africa - lots of places. You have noticed, I am sure, a great deal of different experiences and opinions that are as varied as locations. It is obvious that you love your father and have been very concerned about his care, emotionally and physically.

 

I am a 50 year old stroke survivor - in three weeks it will be one year since I had a brain hemorrhage, paralyzing my left side. I happen to live in Texas, but interestingly, I have a sister in Oklahoma and other family in Kansas. Our parents have passed away, but I took care of my father from a distance in a similar manner you describe - he wanted to be at home. In his case, he had heart failure. We worried, and struggled, but in the end, he was at home. He did not want to move closer to us - he wanted to stay in his own town. He refused to go to the hospital - I was not going to force him.

 

I wish you the very best in finding what is best for your dad. I think it is probably best for him to be where he is happiest and most comfortable - follow your instincts and your heart. Medicines and therapy can only do so much - the human spirit thrives on love, and you're doing a great job of loving your dad already.

 

Blessings,

 

Hera

 

I hope you find

[helpless]

Thank you.

My whole family cant make it down there for Christmas, but hubb and I are going.

I'll just play it by ear until after Christmas.

I thought I would get him one of those roboraptors. The description says he has a stalking mode and an attack mode. Maybe dad would get a kick out of sicing that on the nurses.

[hera]

LOL! Helpless, that sounds just like something my Dad would have loved!

 

Keep up your spirits! Laughter is good for the soul.

 

Blessings,

 

Hera

[helpless]

Update after Christmas.

Hooray! I got my youngest son and new daughter-in-law to go visit Dad with us. We've put off our Christmas until Friday night.

He was very glad to see us, although he cried a lot. Mostly due to frustration that he couldn't tell us what he wanted us to know.

He made us take down his tree that my sister put up at Thanksgiving, and clear his corkboard of all birthday and Christmas cards and put them in a box. I think too much chaos and change of routine for him. He felt better after the board was clear of almost everything.

We had a problem though - a gift was a white open weave blanket, and he got very VERY VERY upset that it was in his room. After about 30 minutes of trying this and that, we finally figured out that he wanted it out of his room. The nurses seemed to think that it looked like the other blankets there and he's very particular about what leaves his room (like laundry). So they thought he was worried it would get lost. Anyway, after that VERY LONG TIME, and we figured it out - Dad and I both sighed real big and went "Whew!"

We tried to get him to understand that we'll get it eventually, not to lose patience with us as we try to figure out what he wants.

One funny thing - we were visiting in the lobby and my daughter-in-law started to rub his shoulders. After a minute, he leaned forward very slowly, and she started rubbing lower down his back. We looked up at Dad and he had this grin on his face I haven't seen in a long time. It was like "I got her where I want her!" Everyone cracked up.

Anyway, I was both discouraged that he seems to be getting weaker (won't exercise) and encouraged (that even though he cries a lot, you can tease him out of it easily.)

Thanks everyone. I'll keep checking back as I find out more about getting Dad evaluated.