Asking all caregivers

[Friskyroo]

I would like to ask caregivers how they find the time they need for themselves. My husband had a CVA on 3/19/05. I went from being a housewife to being everything and I'm tired at this point. I'm grateful my husband is alive and I don't resent him at all. I think I am resenting our families.

 

All of the caregivers will know where I'm coming from. This whole time nobody has offered to give me a break by taking him to therapy or just coming by to get him out of the house for a while. Where I used to take care of only the house my role now is to clean, cook, pay the bills, keep appointments straight and work 13 hours 3 days a week. On my days off he develops cabin fever and he wants to be taken here or there.

 

Okay, here is where my resentment comes in. Normally we go to our family's houses for Christmas. My family will have the gathering at my mom's but his family has invited themselves to our apartment for the holiday! We have a small 1 bedroom apartment with 1 small poodle. His mother and brother have 1 small dog and 2 big ones. I have to work 13 hours the night before and the night they arrive. Nobody took into consideration how I'm supposed to get the sleep I need with the apartment full of people and dogs. On top of that his family can't normally converse. Their talking is just like shouting.

 

Am I wrong to feel resentful about this? I'm tired and I need a break but I do realize they almost lost my husband this year. I feel guilty for being upset and I'm not able to voice my opinion on the matter. If I survive this weekend it will be a total miracle. How do other caregivers survive the fallout of a stroke? I am in desperate need of help because I am the type who lets everything build up and never says a word to anyone. Would it be rude of me to demand that our families help me out? I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

[spokangie]

Don't feel guilty for how you are feeling..Many of us can say been there done that. What you need to do is tell your in-laws that your appartment is too small for that many dogs and that they are more than welcome to come,but they need to know your situation and help out. This means cooking and cleaning, and giving you time to yourself..This is your house, your rules, if they don't like it too bad..From what I read they didn't put your feelings into consideration when they invited themselves and their kennel to visit..

I was told by my husband's family that the stroke did not happen to me that it is not about me,,But it did happen to me too and it was about me too. My life changed just as much as his. Mine came with added responsibility of taking over the household and becoming a 24hr nurse, wife and companion..But let me tell you they knew who was boss in my household afterwards..They knew that if they didn't like it they could lump it. I always let them give suggestions, which they never acted upon..I was left in the same situation with no help,or very little..Once they got a taste of what I go through they were very reluctant to voulenteer again..

 

You have a huge responsibility on your shoulders, managing your husband and working I admire you that you can do that..Take that strength and direct it at your in-laws and tell them what they can and will do if they come and stay..If you have to compromise ask them to bring only one dog, the small one..Then take a seat and watch them do the work for you..

Take charge

 

Take care

 

Angie

 

[door60]

I always ask for help. Not everyone gives it though, and I do get really upset, but I always ask people to help me.

I'm not sure why you would let your in-laws sponge an invite to your house. I would just call them today, and tell them you're happy to have everyone over, but they have to bring the food. If they don't feel like cooking, everyone should chip in for the delivery of Chinese food.

Incidentally, I got great volunteers from our local churches and synagogues to take my mother to therapy (my sister has been a no show since my mother's stroke). So maybe you can call your local churches and ask if someone can help out, by driving your husband to the senior center or to the mall or to just sit with him for 2 hours every week. But, ask. For sure you won't get any help if you don't at least ask.

Dorrie

[jriva]

 

If your husband's parents and brother are coming in from out of town, maybe you need to tell them up front that your apartment isn't big enough to sleep three extra people and three extra dogs. Offer to book a motel room for them and a kennel for the larger dogs. Even if you get stuck with the bill because they don't pay you back, it would be worth the money not to have them under foot 24/7. Take them out to dinner Christmas day or have a meal that doesn't involve the normal, huge time-consuming Christmas feast unless they offer to do most of the work. Life has changed for you so you don't have to feel guilty over cutting down your work load anyway you can. Just be up front about what you can and can't do and why.

 

As for feeling resentful for them invadiating your space when you so badly need a break from responsibility, that's a hard call. They almost lost a loved one, too, so maybe that's why they want to spend Christmas with you two. Who knows. I do know it would help to separate in your mind if you would feel the same way about their visit if you we'ren't an over-worked caregiver. Would you still resent it that they are preventing you from going to be with your family? One of many stresses people deal with at holidays is over dedividing up their time between families...this is not a stroke/caregiver issue, just normal life.

 

Families not offering to help or give caregivers a break is another issue and one that all of us feel and need to make our peace with. It's a rare thing when a survivor/caregiver has that kind of support from extended family. For me personally, I moved past that resentment by reminding myself that I'd had opportunities in my life where I could have offered that kind of support to cousins or whatever and I didn't. Once the crisis of the first few weeks after the stroke where people do pitch in has past, most people go back to their own lives, which are usually too over-booked as it is.

 

Good luck!

 

Jean

[LChatman]

Inlaws can be something else. Not long after my husband's stroke, I asked my mother-in-law if he could stay at her house for a couple of days while I took care of some business. She pitched such a fit and said she already has one grown son there and she can barely take care of herself, and on and on ...I told her never mind I would handle it myself. My sister-in-law found out about the conversation and said she would have her other brother come see about my husband at our house. That worked out fine but I'll always remember how my mother-in-law blew up. My inlaws do help when I need to take my husband to Dr.'s appointments but it might take some doing to get them to cover for me so I can take a break. Since my husband's stroke, I'm learning to be more patient and less stressed out. I choose my battles and try not to wear myself out with working everyday, teaching one-year-old babies, then going home to care for my husband and 14-year-old son. God is in control, otherwise I would be out of control. Praise the Lord!!

 

LaTanya

[Friskyroo]

Thanks for the replies. After reading them I bit the bullet and I called hubby's brother. I discussed the problem with him and we decided instead of Saturday night they will come down Sunday afternoon after I've had a chance to recover from working. Since nobody has to work on Monday this was ideal for the family.

 

I think I gave everyone the impression that his family was coming from far away. They only have to travel 20 miles to get here and we are promised nice weather for the drive. I can handle the crowd and the noise after I've had some rest. Maybe this will work out.

 

As for the suggestions about someone taking him out or coming to visit him, I'll have to look into that. A seniors group is out because he is only 47 years old. Maybe I'll give his work buddies a call and someone can come and see him. Thanks to all and Merry Christmas!

[swilkinson]

Age has nothing to do with it if you need care for your survivor. My husband has gone to Daycare since his strokes at 57, it is true that they are called "senior centers" but there are young strokers, paraplegics, car accident TBI survivors etc there as well. There are also lots of kind folk who stop by and talk and age is no barrier to that. When you have a stroke you fall away from your peer group and become an early 'retiree'.

I could say a lot about family and help, I've asked Ray's family and they just backed right away, we hardly hear from them now. I guess as Jean says you have to take the stress out of fighting that and make do with those friends who do stick around.You'll find it is mostly the older ones with a sense of resposibility that stick with you and you will love them for it.

Sue.