Fear of death

[Silvertreeshe]

How do I handle continually being afraid my husband will have another stroke at any minute. Two years ago he took some trash out and when he walks back in the house he said I feel dizzy. I drove him to the hospital and discovered he had a stroke the size of a credit card, He has post stroke pin in his right arm, he can walk, talk, not read, and processes information slowly.

Every day when he is tired. taking a nap or in another room or gets up from sitting too quickly I wonder is this it, is he dying. People look at him with concern when we are out in public. I try not to let it distress me when they ask are you alright, but it just increases my anxiety. I know this won't go away but how do people get tough enough to endure it. We are in a new area and have no friends to talk with or help us. What do most people do?

[arogers]

Dear Silvertreeshe,

 

I think you could be helped by talking with a counselor, minister or someone else you trust. I've gone through four major medical emergencies with my husband (we've been together six years). I can't say I'm hardened to his mortality, but I've finally gotten to the point that I feel an assurance that I'm not in control of this anymore and I will be ok, no matter what. Now, that didn't come with the first stroke, or the coma, or the second stroke - and very slowly after the third stroke.

 

My worst fears were that we didn't have wills, or medical directives in place. I hope that doesn't sound hard - but it was very much a reality for me. Now that those things have been done I am at peace and know that Bill has declared his wishes and I don't have to second-guess.

 

There are times when I go over and look at him when he's sleeping to be sure he's breathing. I have been known to call the doctor when I feel his blood sugar is too low - and when it's too high. I monitor his blood pressure and report any changes. I think these are normal and responsible pieces in the caregiving process.

 

In short, fear of the unknown is normal for each of us. I'm glad you brought the topic up, and I hope you get more feedback because I'm sure there are many other views on the subject. Losing our mate is a reality we have to deal with and prepare for. But, we could go before him (or her) too. I've found my peace and assurance by placing my life into the care of my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

 

 

[tom71]

Silvertreeshe,

Welcome to the site :welcome: , First of all I'd talk to a counselor and get involved at Church, Since I've never had that fear its hard for me to understand what you are going through, but the two things I mentioned are the only advice I have, I can honestly say I do not have a fear of death, because I know when I die I'll be in a much better place.

God Bless,

Tom

[spokangie]

:welcome: It is hard to watch your loved one go through a experience like this without affectin you as well. Fear is very natural, we always fear what we don't understand..

Have you discussed your fears with his Dr's, perhaps they can reassure you by explaining his diagnosis with you..No one can guarantee that he won't have another stroke, unless there are issues with his healt that make him predesposed to them..

In my husband's case his was a major stroke that took away 1/4 of his left frontal lobe, affecting his speech, walking and standing..He is much better than initially..His was almost 3years ago..We at least know the cause of his stroke and the likelyhood of having another one is very minimal..His was a artery closing in his brain..

As mentioned in the above post we also have made all the preparations in case,,we have a healt directive for both and I have a General and Durable power off attorney for him, he has for me in case he recovers enough to act on, if he doesn't than my eldest daughter takes over..We also made a will so that our families don't have to deal with courts.

Our lives have changed drastically for both of us, I as his full time caregiver and him to someone that has to sit and be frustrated that he can't speak..

We have made huge changes in our lives, from selling our home to moving accross the state to be closer to my family..We also didn't know that many people here and still don't..

One major change we just did was purchase a condo in a Adult community, in one month that we have been here we have had offers of help amost on a daily basis..Our neighbours are basicaly retired and some are also caregivers to theri spouses too.

Our new Dr; has recomended new treatments for my husband and has directed him for Stroke care to a Physiaitrist that has helped his coleague that had a very same stroke as my husband did..This man has recovered where he can speak in broken sentences..and is able to walk with a cane..

I am very excited about it and can't wait for him to start this new program..

I have noticed lately that he is making strides on his own, walking more, talking more, even though sometimes it doesn't make sense, I don't mind, it is something coming out of his mouth and it means his brain is working..he is trying at least..

 

Please don't think of what if,you will only drive yourself crazy,,Look at him and say, Thank the good Lord you are still with me, and whatever happens, happens..God spared him for a reason. The choice is yours, look on the positive and move one tiny step at a time or live in fear.

Pearsonally I prefer the positive..

One more thing,

My mother had a minor stroke just a couple of days ago. She was unable to stand or walk unasisted it afected her right side. Thankfully the CT showed no brain damage..She is 79..a very strong minded woman that today is walking unassited, determination and family support gives her hope..to go on..even at this age..

 

:cheer: Celebrate his living and enjoy your moments together..Do ask questions, find out what caused his stroke and research for answers..It will give you peace,

 

Take care

Angie :cheer:

[fking]

I think it's common fear in many cases and under some circumstances. It will take more knowledge of strokes. The more you know the less you fear after a while.

 

You got to tell yourself he is now a survivor and his chances of living is greater than dying. Then, if you are a believer, trust God, your fears will ease up.

 

Welcome aboard, read some topics here about fear, it will help you knowing what others has gone thru like yourself. I just went over two years and I celebrate life every day. I look forward to recovering not dying. :scooter:

[Kj mcmeekin]

Hi and Welcome!!!!!

 

When my husband had his first stroke I wasn't sure where to turn. I was a mess!!!!!! One night when on the internet I found this site - it was the best thing that happened.

 

I agree with all the suggestions that you have been given by other members. One fear that I still have (its been almost 2 years) is that one morning when I come downstairs to wake my husband he will have died in his sleep. I stand beside his bed and wait to see him breathe. I had seen a counselor for a period of time - she specialized in caregiving and was a caregiver herself to her parents. She was very helpful and also taught me how to relax. I still from time to time revert back to this old fear.

 

Everyone is here to help and support you. You have found a great site!!!!!!!!!!! Take Care of Yourself..........Stay in Touch..............

 

Kim

[marlen]

LOOK, WE'RE ALL HERE ON BORROWED TIME. WHEN TIME IS UP, IT'S UP. SO WE HIT A SNAG, AND WE TRY TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

 

I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT A STROKE UNTIL I HAD ONE. SHORTLY AFTER, I BEGAN TO WORRY ABOUT HAVING ANOTHER, OR EVEN WORSE. THEN I BEGAN READING POSTS HERE AND COMMUNICATING WITH SURVIVORS WHO ARE STILL HERE 10, 20, 30 YEARS AFTER HAVING A STROKE. SO, I QUIT WORRYING AND DECIDED TO MAKE THE BEST OF EACH DAY. I JUST KEEP ALL THE FEARS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND AND DON'T LET THEM SURFACE.

 

AND WHAT'S THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU WORRY AWAY? SHARE GOOD QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR HUSBAND. . IF HE GETS TIRED, LET HIM SLEEP. WORK WITH HIM, BE WITH HIM, AND WATCH HIM RESPOND. IT MAY BE SLOW AND TAKE TIME, BUT THE BENEFITS ARE REWARDING.

 

WHO CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK? I LIMP, MY ARM HANGS DOWN, AND PEOPLE STARE ALL THE TIME. BUT I FIGURE THEY'RE WORSE OF THAN I AM AND I JUST GO ABOUT MY BUSINESS.

 

STOP WORRYING. YOU'RE WASTING VALUABLE TIME.

 

MARTY

[mikisteph]

hello there,

 

every one of us who have had a stroke have beaten the grim reaper at least once, what is there to be afraid of, for us survivors nothing. For our relatives and carers so long as they are taken care of we can do no more. If we are going to die it is unlikely that we will know or can do anything about it, so, why worry. It is no good when the time comes and the shout of COME IN NUMBER 7 is heard it will be no good saying, not today Lord, so why worry

 

Mike

[gonkerette]

Hi,

I am the survivior of two strokes, and I know to worry is only human. I worry and my husband worries also. We do the best we can each day and know we have done our best. I see the doctors and take my medicine as well as working a little each day to get better. This site helps as it is a whole host of information. I try not to worry as stress doesn't help and I need to be strong for myself and my husband. I figure God has a bigger plan I don't know about and rely on my faith and prayers alot. Everyone is here to support you and help you in any way we can. Hang in there and you have found a really good site. Being educated has helped me a lot as we knew nothing after my first stroke.

 

[gawazi]

Hi,

I understand how you are feeling. After my mom's stroke I had almost constant panic attacks. She lives out of town. I fought the urges to call her at two in the morning just to hear her voice and know she was alive. I am not one to panic. Tears would flow out of nowhere, panic that made me feel like my heart would burst. I turned to the higher power, faith that she was going to be fine. It's tough, especially when you feel so helpless watching one you love go through it. She never paniced, she only has remained focused on recovery, each day or minute at a time. That is what I learned to do - panic would strike, I would get through it one minute at a time. It has gotten much better now (mom's optimisum helps). She has only recently come to understand how close she came to dying when she had her stroke, is grateful for every day she has and I am, too. The bottom line is, we get through it. We are stronger than we think we are, even when we feel our weekest. My best to you.

[fking]

Dear Silvertreeshe,

 

Since your post on this topic and my earlier reply, you have had some very interesting answers to your topic, "Fear of Death, Caregiving." Especially the last 3 or 4 replies. I agree wholeheartedly with them and I hope you login soon to read the replies and understand for yourself so you don't continue to worry and be fearful of your husbands Death.

 

One day, sooner or later, we all have to answer and show our face when our name is called. Let's don't dwell or concentrate to the fearful stage when we can be enjoying everyday right now to the fullest.

 

Accept life, Caregiver and Survivor, live it, it's been given to us and our end date is yet unknown by anyone. :scooter: