Does it ever get better?

[charmin]

Will he ever stop taking it out on me, can someone please answer if it is normal for the survivor to blame everything on the caregiver. Next week would have been Steed and I's 3 year anniversary, but he has informed me that he does not want to be reminded that the last three years of his life have been the worst ever. Am I just living in a dream, I would swear there was some good times there.Tonight once again it all boils down to my fault, if he had never met me he would not have suffered a stroke. That really eats at me, I love him so much I would give up all I had for him including my life if it came down to that, I would trade places with him if I could. But lately I have been asking myself if I was in his shoes would he do all this for me, probably not. NO he is not physically abusive in any way but sometimes I wish he was instead of all the emotional hurt, those take so much more to recover from. I so wish I could change the past, than he would never had to meet me and fall in love with me and than maybe he would not have had this happen. Am I tainted, I don't know anymore. I have always been such a strong person, but to see him look at me like he can not stand me just breaks my heart, I never wanted my only friend to hate me and that is what it has come down to. So my question is this does it ever get better, will he ever look at me and love me again or should I just admit defeat. I am so tired of crying myself to sleep when I can actually sleep. Night time is the only time I have to cry because I don't want my boys to see me, I don't want them to think badly of Steed because they love him so much, he was always the good guy the one they could talk to if they needed someone, they would be so upset if they heard the words he says to me. Could someone please tell me if it will stop, I just want him to stop yelling at me and to stop blaming me for everything in his life.

[Robyn]

Jane and I celebrated 3 years when she was in rehab...she has now slammed the door on me for good. I don't know what to think or what to advise you...it may be that he may never come back. And I don't understand it but have to learn how to accept it about Jane... It is still surreal!

 

Sorry sweetie :hug:

[marlen]

I DON'T KNOW STEED'S AGE OR LIMITATIONS, SO I'M JUST A BIT OF A DISADVANTAGE HERE. IRREGARDLESS, HE NEEDS SOME ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. NOW I'M APPROACHING THREE YEARS AND THOUGH I MAKE LIGHT OF MANY OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF A STROKE, IT IS STILL ONE OF LIFE'S ADVENTURES NOBODY EXPECTS, NOBODY WANTS, AND MOST PEOPLE CAN'T DEAL WITH.

 

AFTER FIGURING OUT MY ALTERNATIVES AS I LAY LEFT SIDE PARALYZED IN THE HOSPITAL THREE YEARS AGO, MY WIFE SAID IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO START LIVING, THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE HER COMPANION AND WE WOULD GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. BEING THE "SMART" GUY THAT I AM, I TOOK HER AT HER WORD AND WORKED HARD TO BE THE 80% RECOVERED PERSON TODAY. AND I STILL DO WATER THERAPY THREE TIMES A WEEK.

 

BEING A GO GETTER, WORKING HARD, ENJOYING ALL LIFE HAS TO OFFER AND HAVING ALL THIS GONE IN A FLASH IS PRETTY HARD TO TAKE. I'M SURE STEED IS A LITTLE BITTER ABOUT BEING DEPENDENT ON OTHER PEOPLE, AND LASHES OUT IN FRUSTRATION. I AM NO PSYCHOLOGIST, BUT MAYBE TALKING TO A COUNSELOR OR PSYCHOLOGIST WILL ALLOW HIM TO VENT HIS FEARS, NEEDS AND FRUSTRATIONS. LIVING AS YOU ARE NOW IS UNHEALTHY FOR EVERYONE.

 

LIFE OFFERS SO MUCH EVEN AFTER A STROKE. DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU VIEW THE GLASS AS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL.

 

 

MARTY :hug:

[playforfun]

Hi Charmin

 

I can't answer the part about Steed taking his anger out on you. I think as primary caregivers we take the brunt of the survivors anger. You have to remember althiough its directed at you, that you are not the cause. The man you fell in Love with is probably still in there. Anger, frustration, and fear can make us say and do things to the people we love the most. I'm starting year 3 as a caregiver to my wife and i think most of us have been through what you are to one extent or another. See if you can get him to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be a therapist but he needs to find a different way to vent his anger and frustration. It's just another part of the healing process. I hope you make it through the tough times but remember you have to do whats best for you and your family.

 

 

Good luck,

Bob

[arogers]

Hi Charmin,

 

If it were me I would discuss the situation with Steed's physician. Preferably with him there, but if not alone. Share with him the way things were between you and Steed and the way things are now. If he is not seeing a psychiatrist, I believe his doctor would suggest that as a next step.

 

Chances are very good, as you've seen from other posts this is the "post-stroke" Steed speaking. Of course you know you aren't the reason for his stroke. Of course you know he loved you before, and he does now. If these things are said to you in private I believe they are probably said because he feels safe in sharing his deepest emotions with you.

 

Conversely you could say you wish you'd never met him because these have been the worst 3 years of your life. However, you are emotionally healthy and can continue to reason about good, bad and horrible. Cognitive skills can be damaged right along with other skills. He could also be suffering from depression and if he's on a medication it may be the wrong one. Or he may not be taking anything - and of course he doesn't need anything in his mind.

 

Bill has not displayed any of the emotions Steed is displaying. He did, however cry at anything, everything and nothing - all the while denying his need for medication. When he was in the hospital recently he was seen by a psychiatrist after a bout with delusional thinking. The psychiatrist prescribed a small amount of a medication (Celexa, 5 mg.) that has made all the difference in the world. Last night he asked me if I'd noticed he isn't crying all the time. He didn't know why - he just knew he was very relieved.

 

So, my first step would be to talk with the doctor. You don't have to live with verbal abuse - and that is what you are experiencing. Even though you feel like you could recover from physical abuse more easily than emotional abuse, if physcial abuse was present you'd still be dealing with the emotional side of that issue. I don't believe you will one day wake up and the emotional abuse will have ended, anymore than one day you will wake up and any of the physical results of the stroke will be gone.

 

You need to take care of yourself, Charmin - and your children. Even though you may not feel your boys are affected by the present situation, they are because you may think you are hiding your hurt from them but you aren't. As in so many situations, I think you need the help of an outside party who isn't involved emotionally in your situation. A doctor and psychiatrist have both had experience with Steed's emotions.

 

Warmly,

[charmin]

First I want to say Robyn I am so sorry to hear about you and Jane I feel your pain so much. Ann you words really made sence to me, I never really thought about the idea that he can not understand all he does. It just hurts so much, I feel everytime he does this a little more of me dies, you can only hear how awful you are before you start believing it. I know he feels bad when he does it, because he always apologizes for it, but I don't know if that makes it exceptable. I am trying to take care of myself and my boys I know they feel it. I know my oldest hears me crying at night and he tries so much to make things a little easier on me. I wish I had the choice to walk away but I don't. Love is a very powerful emotion one that makes you put up with so much. I can't leave him no matter what he does, I just wish he would get help, but he will not go and see anyone and I am still worried if he doesn't I will lose him. I am trying to not take it all so personally but it does get hard when you hear at least once a week, some times more, that you have ruined his life, that if it wasnt' for you he would have had a chance to be happy. This stroke is taking so many of the good memories away, and I hate that because I have told Steed so many times he has replaced so many of my bad memories of growing up with some of the most amazing memories and I don't want those taken away. I do love Steed now and forever no matter what, so for now I am stuck because I can not just walk away so I guess I just have to take it for now and keep praying it will get better, and that when it is better I pray I can still be the person I was 6 months ago.

[arogers]

Charmin,

 

NO, you don't "just have to take it". You need to talk with his doctor. Without him if he refuses to go to the doctor on his own. Make a phone call, write a letter...whatever you need to do - but you really do need to do this. You need to do this not only for yourself and your children but you need to do this for Steed.

 

Our love can't become paralyzed....We are now our husband's keeper...If we know they have a need and don't act on it, then I think WE become the abuser. You never have to accept his verbal abuse, Charmin. If he doesn't realize what he is doing when he does it, you need to find a way for him to realize it - and that needs to begin with his doctor.

 

You'll be thankful you were proactive on his behalf when this is all uncovered so it can be managed. We readily accept physical, occupational and speech therapy as part of the recovery process. Let's not forget the emotional aspect.

 

Warmly,

 

[jriva]

I so wish I could change the past, that he would never had to meet me and fall in love with me and then maybe he would not have had this happen. Am I tainted, I don't know anymore.

 

Charmin,

 

If you don't know that one person can't cause another person to have a stroke and that you are not tainted because someone you love had one, then you really need to get some help from a trained counselor. In fact, you need to see someone in either case to help you deal one-on-one with the rejection, stress and possibility that you may need to throw in the towel at some point in the future. Plus you probably need to be on antidepressants as much as Steed does.

 

As for your question, "Does it ever get better"---no one on the face of the earth can answer that. Most survivors do have the ability, 'balls' and/or courage to eventually move off the pity pot and start dealing with what they still have instead of what they've lost. But that's not 100% of all people who've had strokes.

 

If I was you, I'd find out exactly what part of Steed's brain his stroke was in---if it was in the part that controls emotion and behavior---so you'll know if his actions are born out of depression, bitterness and inability to find acceptance or something physcial that he can't control at this point in his recovery. Then I would seek professional counseling for yourself. It goes without saying that he needs it, too, but he's not the one asking for support in this thread.

 

Jean

[Robyn]

:hug: You have to talk to his doctor...abuse is not OK, no matter how good of a person he was before. Get the help and protect your children...that should be your HIGHEST priority sweetie. People have asked me if things were to change and Jane would want to come back would I want that...my answer is no because regardless of the reasons why she walked away, she has hurt my children and I can't allow that to happen again. Help Steed get the help he needs because you don't deserve to be treated so poorly...!

 

:hug:

[richman]

I think it can always get better for the caregiver and spectators. It never really gets "better" for the stroker. It's easy to call out plays from the bleachers when you're not on the field, to use a sports analogy. We can all yell at the quarterback, but he's out there taking the hits from 300 pound offensive linemen who want to take his head off. Just substitute the typical stroke for the 300 pound lineman.

 

The only qualifying statement I can make is that maybe the strokers who adjust the quickest to this catastrophe still have people who love them and stick with them regardless of their condition. Most people aren't lucky enough to have that. Hell, 50% of loving partners who took "for better or worse" wedding vows abandon ship if some financial difficulties arise or they feel "unfulfilled", much less a brain attack in their partner that permanently alters them, usually for the worse.

 

There are very few Dana Reeves in the world, and it probably helped that she was in the media spotlight giving aid and comfort to Christopher Reeve. He had Robin Williams stopping by to cheer him up. Most of us don't have celebrities stopping by to see how we're doing. The mass of us lead lives of quiet desperation, made even more desperate when the Stroke Gods pay a visit.

 

:2cents:

 

-Joe

[richman]

Correction to my previous posting. I should have said "defensive lineman" instead of "offensive lineman". In football, the defensive line would be attacking the quarterback.

 

Among other things, this stroke has affected my recall of sports fundamentals.

 

-Joe

[kkholt]

Hi Charmin,

 

I noticed in your post, a reference to

[richman]

Marty:

 

As far as viewing the glass as half empty or half full, it also depends on what's in the glass.

If it's cheap Muscatel, it doesn't matter how full the glass is. :beer:

 

-Joe

[helenmarie]

as a stroke survivor I can say that yes it does get better, I am very fortunate to have my husband as my care giver, before my stroke i was always the one who worked a full time job and tookcare of the cleaning cooking,paying bills he worked also but 8 til 5 everyday come home sit in recliner prop his feet up and wait on his meal to be cooked then served to him then while I cleaned the kitchen he would fall asleep. :bop: THEN the stroke and everything changed, I am the one lying around being waited on and I hate it, I sometimes get so mad that I can say mean things to him for no reason other than he is the one that is there, I always apologize later after my tantrum has blown over an being the wonderful man that he is he just hugs me so tenderly :friends: and says not to worry that we will make it thru this together. since he has taken over doing all the things that I used to do he constantly says[ { how did you ever do it ?] don't ever give up hope, Things can always get better and work out. sometimes something happens and you may think its terrible but later down the road you realizethat something good has come from it I have my bad days but each day that I wake up I am grateful and try to be positiveand make the best of the first day of the rest of my life, sorry if I rambled on and on....