Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 new to this website...still learning how to do things, but I'll try again... My husband and I have been married for eight years, second marriage for us both, all children grown and on their own (one adult child has returned from Iraq and is staying here finishing up collge) My husband still suffers slightly from apahasia, gets frustrated trying to find words and still has some difficulty writing and speaking...still working but the drastic changes in personality are causing problems at work as well as at home. My sweet, kind, loving mate is becoming someone I don't know, someone who scares me, and someone who needs help. He does not seem to be aware of the dramatic differences in his behavior. He does not want to talk about anything, does not seem to realize that his behavior it not always rational or logical, and seems to be almost paranoid about how folks are reacting to him. I do have an intense reaction to anger and verbal abuse (my own childhood scars from abuse have not faded completely, and my reaction is to draw back, get quiet and try not to cry) We are in trouble...he is adverse to talking to anyone, seeking any medical advice, or researching the issue. If physical manifestation were evident, maybe he would be more likely to look for assistance. But, the physhological and emotional problems are not visually apparent, and he does not seem aware of them. How do I help him? How do I start a discussion with him without making him angry or causing him to withdraw? What can I do to let him know that I am "with" him in this and that we need to work together to understand what is happening? I am more "dazed and confused" than ever and looking for words of wisdom from anyone who has experience... Thank you, Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwatrous Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 This must be real tough to live with, but the only consolation is that it is NOT his fault, but you should have a heart-to-heart with his doctor to see what can be done to improve the situation June :cheer: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 any suggestions on how I can get him to go to the doctor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdittman Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Hi Leslie, I agree with June. You need some outside help. The doctor is a good place to start. You may need to enlist in the help of some good friends as well. It isn't his fault, but both you and your husband need some help. I hope you can find it soon. Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 I know that this is not about "fault" its about the medical condition...but he has no friends, has lived a rather "hermit" like life, and either really doesn't recognize the changes, or is in denial about them...He's 60 years old, and definitely will not accept suggestions about going to the doctor again, or seeking outside help...I am at a loss about what to do next, but I feel the situation is spiralling out of control. Thanks for responding to my posting Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdittman Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I think that June was saying, and I too, that you go to the doctor, and see what suggestions the doctor may have for you. Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 oh...didn't even think of that, always used to do things together...I guess I need to think about things differently now. Thanks, Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdittman Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Hey, I wish you all the best. Maybe your son could go with you for support. I hope you can get the answers you need. Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 The returning soldier is my daughter who is suffering greatly from PTSD (gunner in convoys) and MST (military sexual assault, raped by three of our own soldiers) She has so much on her plate right now, that I don't want to add to it...but she is very worried about me and so wonderfully supportive, that I may ask her to go with me anyway...did put in a call to my husband's doctor to request an appointment to discuss the situation...hope he does call back...grateful for the suggestion because at least I feel like I'm doing something instead of waiting in limbo...Thanks folks... Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristina38 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Hi Leslie, you are really dealing with alot right now. Is your husband on any kind of anti-depressants? They really are necessary for just about ALL stroke survivors from what I've found. I was hesitant about putting my Mom on them but after a few weeks of dealing with her horrible moods and vicious attitude I had to do something. We put her on Paxil and she was like a new person by the end of the first week. They were really a blessing for us. Good luck with the Doctors visit and be sure to let him know about ALL of your concerns and problems. It's important he know the severity of the situation and all that you have on your plate between your husband and your daughter. You always have a place to vent or cry on someones shoulder here! Kristina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 Thank you, Kristina...not as alone as I used to think... Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jriva Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Leslie, Document on paper everything you are seeing in your husband so that you don't forget anything when you see the doctor. Also, you said in another thread that your husband has dementia so in addition to asking about anti-depressants as Kristina mentioned ask about the new drugs used in the early stages of dementia. Both types of drugs could be helpful. If you could get your husband to go to a geriatric psychiatrist, he or she would be ideal to manage stroke related dementia. We used one for my dad and he was a godsend and I credit him with us being able to keep my dad from being instutitionalized. Jean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MelBaker Posted November 1, 2006 Share Posted November 1, 2006 Hi Leslie - I totally understand where you are coming from with your intense reaction to anger :crying: :console: - I have it as well due to some rather unfortunate occurrences in my chilhood and young adulthood. Here are my :2cents: FIRST - I know you understand that none of this is your fault - you did not cause the stroke, nor are you causing his behavior - IF YOU GET THAT SCARED, GET TO A SAFE PLACE. SECOND - Get yourself into some counseling - not only to deal with the stroke but your past issues as well - AND AS Jean SAID - DOCUMENT. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT THIRD - See if you can get him into counseling as well - sounds like you my want to speak to his doctor about thisor even his speech therapist or a social worker - if you have to dial 911 to get him to go to see the doctor FOURTH - enlist help from your daughter - although she is recovering from being over in Iraq (my brother did both times he came back and is currently on his third tour so I can completely relate - I also suffer PTSD from Desert Fox and Storm.. This would be a good time for you all to pull together and not be alone in your own family.. I wih you the best and hope you keep us updated on your progress! :thumbup: A belated welcome to the community as well! :hug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dazed and Confused Posted November 1, 2006 Author Share Posted November 1, 2006 Thanks to all of you who offered advice and suggestions...will begin documenting today to be ready to talk to his doctor. Didn't even know there were geriatric psychiatrists...thank you again for spending time with me, and I will keep trying to make this all work somehow... Leslie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Leslie, I just caught your thread - don't know how I missed it, but I'm sorry it's taken me so long! Your comments about your husband experiencing dementia nudged me to respond this morning. My husband suffers from dementia. Since Bill has also suffered from bipolar disorder for many years, I'm thankful his stroke has not affected him in any way to make him aggressive or angry. His moods are really quite flat, with the exception that he suffered from pretty severe emotional lability for nearly two years. More about that in a few minutes. Regarding the dementia - the first signs that I didn't realize are really labeled "dementia" is that his short-term memory was severely impacted by his stroke in 3/05. He remembers things up until about his 10/04 stroke, but after that his memory is real foggy. I knew this, and it wasn't until last winter when I realized he no longer knew my name. He has always called me Baby (we met in 2001), and when asked my name he began responding with "Baby". At first he asked me to write my name out and post it all around so he could relearn it (even though his ability to read is just about nill). Other things began to appear with inappropriate behaviors. All this time he suffered with crying at anything or nothing at all. In the spring of 2006 his neurologist suggested trying Aracept. Aracept is used with Alzheimers patients to help with dementia issues. It did help somewhat, however, I wasn't "sold" on the drug. We still weren't able to have conversations anymore. Our life had become one where I was truely the caregiver, as my husband was no longer able to act, even emotionally, like a husband. In August he was admitted to the hospital with severe anemia. Not only was the source of the anemia discovered, through a visit by one of the doctors in my husband's neurologists practice Namenda was prescribed to be taken in addition to the Aracept to help with the dementia. WOW - what a difference. The changes are noticeable to all those who know Bill. He not only responds when spoken too, he offers input in conversations, asks questions, and is generally "back". (About 2 weeks after beginning the Namenda, he referred to me as "Ann" to a friend...) The pharmacist said he wonders if the drug is working so well because Bill's difficulties have been caused by the stroke because he hasn't seen such dramatic improvements with Alzheimers patients. Another bonus of this hospitalization is that due to a bout with delusion a psychiatrist was called in. He prescribed just a small dosage of Celexa - 5 mg. taken daily. Again, it's been a miracle drug. We never related the tears to depression - the neurologist had led us to believe it was just one of those things....His psychiatrist, likewise, hadn't seen a reason to prescribe an anti-depressant because of some of the other meds he takes. His bipolar condition makes it very tricky to treat depression because of the fear of cycling into a manic mode. So far, so good. All of the meds seem to be working extremely well. The personality changes you've described can probably be addressed by the right doctor. It may take more than one discipline to address multiple symptoms, but I think both you and your husband will be real happy when things get aligned correctly. I agree completely that you need to document all the mood swings and his actions and reactions to situations. He doesn't realize what is happening. Bill sure didn't. He used to say he couldn't understand why his eyes were so "wet". He didn't feel depressed - or couldn't identify it as an emotion. He didn't realize his behavior was inappropriate. He didn't even realize he couldn't remember my name. I guess that's why we need to be their advocate, we can see and track emotional and psychological changes they aren't able to identify. Take care, I hope you've been able to gain something from my experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwatrous Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 ok, this is awful, but if I were you. I would quietly tell him you are having trouble getting used to all these new changes, some he may not be aware of, and because you treasure him, and your relationship, would he please go with you to talk to a professional - This will take a sincere and slick move on your part to get the help GOOD LUCK, GOD BLESS June :cheer: :blush: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swilkinson Posted November 17, 2006 Share Posted November 17, 2006 Ray never wanted to see anyone in the medical profession pre-stroke. Now he knows that if he has symptoms of any kind that would not be part of what a person his age should experience then he agrees it is okay to see a doctor. I'd also try the approach:"I am having trouble with all this, could you come with me to a ..." whatever is the appropriate professional in your opinion. When I don't tell Ray something is his fault but tell him I have a problem he will often agree to taking some action. There are so many personality changes after stroke, and so many changes in our life circumstances that it it no wonder we all struggle trying to find a new normal. It is hard too to comply with what everyone else thinks is normal under the circumstances. Sue. :friends: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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