Guest kerrymom7 Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Well things sometimes just seem to go from bad to worse. Over the last month My husband lost his job of 13 years and we are in bad financial shape. Then we both lost our second jobs. When it rains it pours. I asked my brother if he could help out with bills for my mom, my mom not my household bills our mom. Bills that my husband and I have both been working two jobs to cover since my mother moved in with us a year and a half ago. He told me he would have to see. Have to see what is there to see. And then asks what I do with all the money I get for mommy...all the money. You mean the social security check I get once a month that only cover 3/4 of what her nurse costs monthly. Then there is medications food diapers wipes and all the other little things that I cover monthly not to mention taking her to doctors handling her taxes and closing her apartment and fighting to get her pension for the last year. It is his mother who I have been soley taking care of while he pops in every now and then to say hi.....maybe. This Sunday, the first really nice day in weeks he said he was coming down. I though great the kids and Danny and I can go to the playground and get out and he can visit with my mom he shows up at 4:30 in the afternoon stays for two hours and leaves. Nice real nice. I am at the end of my rope. I am crying every night. I am ready to put my mom in a facility because I can't do this by myself. I am going to be real selfish her but I want to have a life I want to be able to enjoy my children. I am more then willing to take my mom with us to the park and store whatever. She does not want to leave the house. She doesn't even want to get out of bed. I can't fight with her anymore. The thought of putting her in a home makes me sick to my stomach but the thought of living like this for the rest of her life makes me cry. I know before my mom had the stroke she would always tell me if something like this happens to just leave her in a home and that she would not want any of us giving up anything to take care of her. Now after the stroke she has been reduced to a scared little child and I cannot even leave the house without her crying. I am not heartless I just cannot continue to do this alone and I do not have the financial resources to get my mother the care she needs in my home...She doesn't qualify for medicare for another year and her insurance covers nothing as far as nursing care because it is not medically necessary...what a joke. I don't know how to make my brother help me and he is really the only family I have left to help. I just needed to get this off my chest. Things have been so stressful lately. Thanks for listening, Kerry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 hi kerry, i am so sorry to hear about your situation, i can't believe your brother is not actively helping you out more. maybe he is having a hard time accepting what has happened. whatever decision you make concerning your mom, i'm sure it will be the right one for everyone involved. i hope your situation starts to look brighter soon, i too send you lots of hugs. hang in there and come here to post and let us know how you are doing. we are here for you. i wish you the best during this tough time. k.anderson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bstockman Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 So sorry to hear of your situation. I'm sure your mother would not want you to be in this situation. Yes you may want to see if you can get a minister or counselor and sit down and talk about the whole situation. Maybe your brother feels inadequate around your mother. But it is time for him to step up to the plate. Can you contact a hospital social worker, or an advocate for the elderly. Someone at Department of Social and Human Services. Elder Care? Needy Meds, PPA for help with medications, also if you know the name of the brand name of her medicine you can contact the manfacturer, you can look them up on line. Most drug companies have help for medications. sending (((((((((HUGS ))))))))) your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest kerrymom7 Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Thank you all for your responses. I just needed to get my feelings out and vent a little. I don't have many people in my life who get what I am going through. I did however get myself a little part time job, on top of my full time job, last night at a local supermarket and my husband found out he will be able to start collecting umemployment so that will help us a bit. So I am going to take a more active role in "bringing home the bacon" and Danny will be playing "Mister Mom" for awhile. As for my family I have explained my situation and asked for help and now we shall see what they do. I do not want to have to beg for help so I am hoping they do the right thing. Thank you guys again for your support. Kerry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwatrous Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 your brother is not seeing the problem clearly, so show him receipts for your mom's care, which it is his mom, too, but often, in a family, it will be just one, who shoulders the responsibility I would get a social worker involved, who will explain not only the costs, but the burden you are taking on alone - get help before your health is compromised June :cheer: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Kerry, It is very, very important that you contact Social Services and ask for help with your Mom's care. Your mom can't be expected (and I certainly don't think you do) to make her own decisions regarding her care. You also need to do as has been suggested here in other cases - list out the postives and negatives of you continuing to care for your mother in your home. Sometimes our most noble and lofty desires turn out to be unrealistic in view of our overall situation. If you get outside help from a Social Worker you will, I think, be more able to make a decision regarding your mom's care that you can be comfortable with. At times our caregiving may take different forms, such as overseeing our loved one's care in an outside facility rather than the day to day hands on care. We leave our parents, marry and start another family unit. When we do that we make a commitment to our husband(in our case) that we trust them to care for our family. In a situation such as yours it is difficult enough when your husband loses his job, let alone placing him (through no fault of his own) as the caregiver of his mother-in-law. I'm sure you have thought about this too. Stress on our family and marriage is extreme enough in times of job loss by either spouse, I think it's important to minimize outside stress as much as we can during those times. Anything more I say will probably be viewed as an antiquated opinion that leans strongly to the sexist side of this issue. It's just an unfortunate truth that in general men are STILL paid more than women in this society. I guess the playing field is leveled when Dad becomes Mr. Mom. I seriously doubt your family will take any more active roll than they have in the past, although I'm sure I could be wrong. They are probably feeling quite comfortable now with you and your husband as caregivers. I know that's what happened in my family and I really don't think ours was an unusual case. Of course there are always exceptions and miracles. Good luck to you and your husband, Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 Kerry, At least you get a chance to vent and all us members get to listen and respond. I had no one whom to turn to for help or even listen. All of my family is up and gone, I'm the baby at 65 and was just married in 1998 to a lady from New Orleans. Had my own business she worked and boom, the stroke in 2004. It was down hill from there, still head under water but able to breathe thru a straw. Lost my business she had to quit to care for me at home. Everyday I say Lord, please bless me so I don't have to be placed in a home. The bad part is you don't have money but yet don't qualify for any social services. When you loose thousands of income a month and still have the same out going bills, it's a night mare for three years now. I feel your feelings about your mom, wish I knew what could be said for any comfort. God bless! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Posted April 27, 2007 Share Posted April 27, 2007 Kerry, I'm glad that you talked to your brother and he is going to have a more active role in your mothers' care.When my mother was ill, There was abit of bickering between my siblings and I on who was not doing enough for Mom but we got through it. Please go into the Medication Forum and read my posting "There's help with expensive medication." It's about the PPA and how to get in touch with them and other programs to help with the cost of medication. It is a simple process and I think it would definately help you in that area.And it cost nothing to join these programs. Ididn't have precription coverage when I had my stroke. I had just dropped my cobra insurance because it got to expensive and I very foolishly did this before I made sure everything was in place with my husbands insurance but it turned out that his insurance plan didn't have precription coverage, I know it sucks, this is Blue Cross, Blue Shield. My meds was costing my husband and I $325.00 a month. I called the PPA and not only did they send me applications for their program, they told me about other programs where I could join at no cost and through the internet. I signed up for one, they assigned me a number, printed my card and used it right away. This whole process took about 5 minutes if not less. This is not insurance but a program where you do have a co-pay. So my meds that I was paying $325.00 a month, now cost me between 70.00 and 99.00. I save over $200.00 a month on meds now. And I get all my medication I need. We also got one for my disabled daughter who takes seizure medications. I was also pretty lucky that I have a kind doctor who has been my doc since 2003 and understood my sudden financial hardship with my meds. He had stocked me up with his office sample medications to save me money when I first got home. It That really helped me until I started receiving disability checks..Doctors normally have a stockpile of sample medications they get from their pharmecuetical representitives and it helps them to have them when they are trying to find the right meds for their patients. So if your Mothers insurance or medicare or medicaid is not so helpful in the prescription department, please read my posting for help in that area. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cpopevis Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Kerry, This is kinda ironic, but I have a brother named Kerry. I have two brothers and at the time when my parents needed them, they weren't there. I was. When my mom passed away, I called my oldest brother and he said thanks for calling and hung up. When my dad passed away (14 months later) I again called my brother and he said when is the furneral. My youngest brother doesn't even know that his parents are dead. My oldest brother doesn't care. I am the baby by 13 years. This whole experience of taking care of my parents during their last two years was horrible on my both emtionally and financially. Now that they are gone, I have absolutely nothing to do with them. They weren't there and didn't care. On a brighter note, I wish you all the best with taking care of mom. It is a very hard thing to do. I admire anyone who steps into the caregiver role! And keep venting to us, we will listen and understand when no one else does. :friends: Cyndi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisas Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Kerri, As a caregiver myself, I truly understand where you're coming from. It's hard to make all the decisions, take care of the house, bills, work, etc... I'm glad your brother will help you now in some way. Even a little bit goes a long way!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted May 1, 2007 Share Posted May 1, 2007 Hi, I think the financial side of it a stroke is the hardest, been there done that. Had my stroke at my new workplace, but because I hadn't signed my new contract I had no insurance, income, or job. I've had no income since July 2006, but luckily my wife's working or we'd be in serious trouble. I've finally jumped through all the CPP Disability hoops, and hope to be be receiving it soon ( wishfull thinking as I havn't heard if I've been approved yet). So I know where you're coming from, don't let it get you down..try to stay positive if only for your own sake. Stu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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