I've reached a goal but felt fear???

[Phoenix]

Okay guys, I don't know what's up with my emotions. It's 11:30 pm here in Monterey Bay, California and I should be sleeping but I can't so I came here on to the site to share my feelings in hopes that I will feel better letting it out and get sleepy.

 

First, let me rehash on my situation. I stroked on January 23, 2006 at the age of 41. I suffered left-side neglect and my stroke was on the right side of my brain. My left side is weak but I can move everything and have some feeling back, enough to know when someone or something is touching my affected side. The vision in my left eye had been cut but improved quite a bit. The left side of my mouth doesn't feel numb anymore and neither does my face. My arm tone has lesson greatly and I only have a little bit which doesn't bother me anymore.I walk with a quad cane and only use my wheelchair to get me a plate of food in the kitchen when I am home alone because my left hand is weak.

 

This whole stroke thing has been an emotional roller-coaster for me with plenty pity and WHY ME? parties.The hardest thing for me is not being able to properly care for my youngest disabled daughter though my husband and oldest daughter have been awesome in her care and in their support and care for me.So everyting sounds cool and for the most part, I have been able to keep my emotions in check.

 

Okay, let me get back on track and the reason for this post. My current therapist, who I started to see in February of this year, had a goal of getting me off the quad cane and on to a straight cane. That became my goal too. This PT therapist is very good and I really like him. I have gotten so much better under his guidance. Because of him I no longer needed to wear an ankle brace. I do realize I have come a long way but still have a long way to go.

 

Well, tonight in therapy, he gave me a brand new, sleek straight cane and said it was time. (I had been working with a straight pole with him for a couple of months) I am now graduated from quad cane to straight cane. I reached that goal! YEAH FOR ME!He said I was to mainly use the straight cane but keep the quad cane near just in case. This may sound silly but I felt fear and I don't know why? I reached my goal and taken the next step but it scares me. Is it because the quad cane is more secure and sturdy? It can stand up on it's own and great for keeping a cabinet door or fridge door open when I am looking for something. Now the straight cane I have to lean it on something. I know I am not that shallow but I don't understand why it freaked me when I know this step up can only get me closer to walking better because I will be more forced to bear weight on my bad leg. I have the muscles and strength to do it, I just don't have enough confidence.

 

My therapist also told me that we were going to take a break from sessions until August when he would reasses me and we would come up with another plan of action for therapy. Also because we had fulfilled my doctors' prescription for therapy and now a new prescription would be needed to continue. I didn't realize before that you just couldn't walk into a therapy place and request therapy. You need a doctors' order.

 

Anyway, this frightened me too but he assured me I was doing great and he was happy with my progress. He gave me exercises and things to do at home during the lull and was eager to see what I can accomplish on my own. So I came home and using the straight cane. I think I will be fine. But my husband later looked at my facial expresion and asked what was wrong and I started crying and told him I was scared but not sure why when I should be proud of myself. He tried to comfort me and tell me I was going to do great. But I still cried.

 

Why did I cry and why do I have fear? I certainly refuse to let this stroke get the best of me and definitely want to improve as much as I can for my sake as well as my family. Especially for my youngest disabled daughter who needs me. I should be in ecstasy that I have taken a step to the next level and jumping for joy.......okay....maybe no jumping since I can't. I just don't understand why I feel scared when I am a strong woman who went through lung surgery in 2003and having a 1 pound 2 ounce baby by emergency c-section at the end of my 5th month of pregnancy in 1994. I bounced back strong from those. I mean this is silly, I shouldn't be crying, I should be happy. Anybody got any ideas? Thanxs for letting me unload.

Shirley :dribble:

[Phyllis4732]

OK, Shirley, Why? It would be difficult for me to know because the therapist I had did not let me use a cane and on on her day off, another one did. She said definitely not. So, I had gone the way of the rollator and found getting off of that very easy. I did have to use a cane ( was my mothers) when I hurt my good leg and needed to get to work. I probably didn't use it right but it gave me support when I had to get up on an egg crate. (LOL!) I'm keeping it in th car just in case... similar to you having the quad cane near by.

 

But to you. I suppose we become comfortable using something and going to what we think is less secure. gets to us. It is normal to be afraid that something will happen and we may fall and have to start all over again- BUT, if your therapist, who you have faith in, says you are ready, you are, so don't give it another thought. You were successful! Be happy and rejoice! Think of it as one step closer to helping your daughter. (my, she was small and early.)

 

So, get on and enjoy your success. I'll toast you in chat tonight with this evening's cappuchino. :big_grin:

 

Phyllis

 

[jwatrous]

You have deserved the right to be sad - My bleed was in 1985 at age 39 :Tantrum: , and to this day, I get weepy very easy - It is all part of the grieving process, so I was told. We both have lost alot , so pray, work hard & try to keep your mind off of you & as the years will go by, joy will replace your tears as we are blessed to be alive

June :cheer:

[dstraugh]

Shirley,

 

Yes, friend, by all means REJOICE and celebrate achieving your goal :cheer: :cheer: . The fears amd anxiety you are feeling, I think, are part of the recovery process - letting go of the security blanket/comfort zone so to speak. For obvious reasons, you have become comfortable with the quad cane. It's one thing in therapy to venture out iin new territory (but the therapist is there) but it's another to do so totally on your own at home.

 

I experience the same thing with my hemi walker vs my quad cane. End result...my quad cane is a dust collector/part of the decor, so to speak. The quad is not as secure for me, yet, during daylight hours, I motor around my apartment with no walker at all - go figure. I use my hemi at night once I take off AFO or if I go outside w/o manual wheelchair.

 

As to your "break" in therapy, yes a script must be supplied by the doctor - especially if insurance is covering the cost of therapy. Also, most insurance companies have a maximum of permitted sessions that are allowable. Keep working on your progress utilizing the exercises he gave you - bet you'll be surprised at how far you advance by August.

 

Hope this made you feel a smidge better - you're not alone in the security/comfort zone issue. :hug:

[Phoenix]

:giggle: Thank you so much Phyllis, June and Donna. Your words have made me feel so much better and it is not so scary now. You are right, I should rejoice at reaching my goal and I will. Also correct on getting out of my comfort zone and having to be on my own untill August. Feeling comfortable with the quad cane and now moving on to the next step is what I have to look at as a new challenge I will conquer. And obviously I am still in the greiving process of my recovery. All those emotions just really threw me off and confused me but thanks again Girls, for getting me back on track.Yep! like Phyllis says, I got to toast my success with a virtual cappuchino in chat. I am happy! :roflmao:

[bstockman]

Hi, part of stroke is this roller coaster ride of emotions also. I have always been strong, and have made it through some pretty rough spots. But with this stroke I am more sensitive to people's "tones"

 

I started with a walker, but I Hated it .. I don't know why.. I guess because it was bulky, and I was afraid I would get one of the dogs with it, although they stayed out of the way. I was happy I could get around, don;t get me wrong. When I got a cane. Went from the walker to a straight cane.. I was so happy.. I walk un aided now.

 

My PT knew we live on 5 acres so he took me outside with a gait belt and walked me around on grass and some little grassy hills, up and down curbs.

 

Emotiona lability id a big issue of stroke. Since some of the brain cells are damaged. The brain chemicals that also help with emotions have "broken path ways" so emotions can be all over the place especially if we are tired or "out of our comfort zones"

 

My husband and i were in cost Co he went off to get something.. I was wandering around looking at things.. people were rushing past me and bumping into me. (I have peripheral vision loss) I found a spot in front of a large display and stood there until he found me .. I was very close to a panic attack.

 

You will become more comfotable with the cane, but know you have the quad there if you need it on "wobbly" days. It takes us a little longer to be comfortable with changes.

[djeffries]

Hi Shirlkey:

 

Yes, I can 'relate' to your fears of going from a quad-cane to a 'one-legged' supporter. I also went the 'stroke recovery assistance' walking program - walker, quad and single-leg cane. I also had the fear of changing from one to the other. The therapist said "YOU are the one who has to make the decision. YOU are the one who 'decides' what you want to use, to continue walking".

 

After my stroke, when I was in rehab, the therapist had me walking with a walker, but soon decided that a quad cane would be better. As he was watching me walk, he said that I keep 'rocking' my foot, but I said that I wasn't. It turns out that the sneakers I were wearing, had an 'air support system' that included a 'raised' area on the bottom of each sole. Changed sneakers, switched to a 'single-legged' cane very quickly.

 

I still use a cane, even 8 11/12 years later. My balance IS SHOT and I am VERY FEARFUL when I am in crowds or around little kids. Even shopping brings fear upon me. People will be shopping in a store, and 'failing to use their stop lights', will STOP right in front of me, which, on several occasions, has caused 'rear-end collisions' Or kids, in their scurrying around', will run 'dangerously' close to me.

 

My suggestion would be to get a notebook, and keep a journal of the activities you do between now and your next therapy session, including your emotions. When they are written down, you can go back and reflect on just how far you HAVE come, and it might also show you how your fears were 'controlled'.

 

Yes, cappuccino IS being served tonight, yes the refills ARE endless. Keep your chin up, practice walking with the 'single-legged' cane and build up your confidence. As I once heard "I would rather try something and fail, than to fail for not trying".

 

 

Denny :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

[lady k]

I too can understand your fear. sorry I had birthday cake and had to sleep it off, I have times of fear and irritation, along with times I cry for no reason, the antidepressant has helped but not irradicated it, so yes I know you have felt fear but refused to let it control you before, like when you had the baby, I think that is part of it now I salute you :hug: will have to be diet coke for me i never got into coffee :chat: , I think you are doing terrific, you have even bloomed since you started coming here. I can see you flying high :Clap-Hands: :cheer: :groupwave:

[kanderson]

hi shirley,

i am so proud of you, you have done a great job and come far on your recovery. fear is normal after stroke, we lost our confidence we had with our bodies in the control we had. at least that is how i feel anyway. i used a straight cane from day one after stroke, but i worry every time i am up using it, my affected leg has a mind of its own sometimes. but i do ok and so far have been able to correct myself should my left foot, not come down properly while walking. the cane has saved me many times from falling. i have some confidence with it and have even had therapy to wean me off of the cane, but i am not quite confident with that yet, FEAR..... i keep telling myself, i can do this to build up my confidence. my emotions are still messed up 5 yrs post stroke but have gotten better. keep working hard and do your exercises to build strength in your affected leg. when you are ready for the next step in therapy, you will know it. take care and i wish you the very best. you are a strong lady, just remember that. walk as much as you can around the house with your cane,it does help to get over the fear. i still use my wc for long distances and i don't do curbs, never gotten over that fear. hang in there, it will get better.

kanderson

 

[Phoenix]

:giggle: :bouncing_off_wall: Thanks Guys for all the inspiration and motivation! :cloud9: I will make you guys proud of me and now want to blow my therapist away when I start seeing him in August again.What would I do without you all ? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU HERE AT STROKENET ROCK!! :gleam:

Shirley....(a.k.a. Phoenix)

[myhome]

Shirley,

 

It's common to feel fear of the unknown, your therapist took away your security blanket by releasing you until August. On top of that he gave you a new therapy to become comfortable with all on your own ( single stick cane) and it's scarey.

My buddy Sherman is in the same boat as you, he lives out of town about an hour and he has the same fears (especially of falling).

I call him three times a week to check in ( even though he also calls me), he unloads his fears on me each and everytime we talk which is ok because I've been there myself so can relate. Take it one day at a time, think of how far you've come and relax, enjoy your summer you deserve it.

 

Stu

[lisas]

Hi Shirley,

 

:Clap-Hands: I'm so happy you have made such progress :Clap-Hands:

 

Moving to the next step in any chapter of life is alway scary, whether it is with our job, family, school, and yes health related. Once we get to the next step though, it gets a little easier every day.

 

Rachel still gets scared when transferring or using her quad cane on different terraine, but it's all worth the feeling of "I did it" :cheer:

 

Keep moving forward Shirley. You will make it!!!! :hug:

[marlen]

SHIRELY,

 

I WENT FROM QUAD, TO A LOVELY HAND CARVED CANE, TO NO CANE AT ALL. IF I'M GOING TO WALK A LONG DISTANCE, LIKE DISNEYWORLD, I KEEP THE CANE WITH ME.

 

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I PREACHED THIS, BUT WATER, WATER, WATER IS THE KEY. I JOINED AN AQUATIC ARTHRITIS CLASS AT THE YMCA TWO YEARS AGO. THE EXERCISES DONE ARE THE SAME THAT WOULD BENEFIT ANY STROKE SURVIVOR. MUSCLES MOVE MUCH EASIER IN WATER, AND THE WALKING EXERCISES HELP WITH STRENGTH AS WELL AS BALANCE. IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO YEARS SINCE I FELL ON MY BEHIND.

 

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PROGRESS, AND IF THERE IS A FACILITY IN YOUR TOWN THAT OFFERS AN AQUATIC PROGRAM, BY ALL MEANS INVESTIGATE. I STILL GO THREE TIMES A WEEK, AND BESIDES THE BENEFIT THE PROGRAM OFFERS, I'VE MADE A LOT OF NEW FRIENDS.

 

BEST WISHES,

 

MARTY :big_grin:

[kirby]

Hi Shirley, I'm getting the same feeling. I moved back out of my parents house about 3 weeks ago. Which has been a goal for 3 years. I should be happy right but I feel very suspicious. Like, why are things going so well? I can't let my guard down because I'm afraid if I do I'll get slammed by something again and I'll end up back on a vent, paralysed again. Or just as miserable in some way. I guess it's a natural -once bitten twice shy- kind of thing but I can't seem to feel happy or satisfied or anything, not yet. I'm not depressed just nervous. Which will probably ease after a few months I guess unless some bus hits me while I'm crossing the street. Just kidding...I hope. Maggie

[Phoenix]

:Clap-Hands: CONGRATS! Maggie on reaching your goal of moving out. That is awesome and pat yourself on the back! Everybody has been so encouraging to me with their replies that my fear has lesson. I am not so scared of the straight cane now. I am using it more and more and it's really working out. I do use the quad cane when I know I will be going somewhere with a lot of steps or rough terrain but I tag along the straight cane too to try it out first and build more confidence. And also use the quad when I first wake up in the morning and have to get up for a bathroom run. Not all the time but when I still feel foggy/cloudy from just waking up.(for safety reasons) It's getting more easier everyday! :big_grin:

[chofvander]

Hi Shirley

When I get depressed, frustrated, and feeling sorry for myself I try to remember that I was one of the lucky ones. Sure, my right leg is about 50% of what it was and my arm is about 10% of what it was and I have aphasia but there are those much worse off than me. One was a woman who had severe aphasia, so severe she could only say "OK" and was wheelchair bound but she had such a positive outlook on life even though she was more disabled than I. When I think of her, think of all the mountians she had to climb I don't feel so bad about my condition. So try to take heart and remember "OK".

[HostAsha]

Shirley:

 

you are lucky to have therapist who thinks you can do it and achieve that goal, so keep faith in him and you, you can do that, goal is to walk unaided, think about one free hand you get when you reach your destination. I stroked at 34, and would not use cane even though they sent me home with it, I never use it

 

Asha

 

[merichsen]

Shirley,

It's not silly at all, i remember feeling the same way. My quad cane gave me balance and stability. I didn't like a single post cane because it felt wobbly and i couldn't rely on it to regain my balance if I needed to. Just wait til they yank that away from you. Don't worry they won't til they're very sure you're ready. I never, ever fell once. i think you're crying because you've come so far and you're afraid if you do fall which you won't you'll be disappointed in your progress~like you let yourself down Don't worry you will be fine just take your time and be sure to lift that bad foot high enough so you don't drag your toe and trip. see you for a cappachino:)

[mljmsw]

Hi Shirley,

 

I am 5 years post event 8/6/07.

 

I believe our emotions are very unstable for lots of reasons most of all because of the terrible losses we incur from stroke. Achieving a goal means another loss.

 

Loss of our comfortable place and walking into a new unknown. I am a school social worker by profession and see similar responsese from the clients with whom I work. It's about loss and newness.

 

Congratulations on your achievement even though it's scary. It's a big step. No pun intended although if it gives you pause for a smile it's all good.

 

Keep up the good work.

 

Keep expressing those feelings.

 

My best regards.

 

mljmsw