I need a shoulder to cry on tonight!

[Louise1]

Hi All,

I haven't been able to even get to this computer in a few days under the circumstances. Tony had his massive stroke on April 13th; the weeks feel like months right about now. My birthday was last Friday and even though family and friends wished me well it just wasn't the same. Saturday, Tony was moved from rehab to a nursing home/rehab closer to home, which I'm very thankful for--I said many prayers and novenas for that to happen because the distance I had to travel before was getting to be a strain, not so say costly as well with the gas prices...I had been told that this transition would be difficult for us both because he was "comfortable" at the first facility. He wasn't happy that's for sure! Today, I visited him around lunchtime and found him in the Supervised Dining; although his feeding tube was removed earlier, he still needs supervision when he eats. When I walked into that dining area and saw him I wanted to run to him and get him out of there as fast as I could! I also didn't want him to see that I was so close to tears. He's 46 years old; he owns his own used-car business and was always on the go. He was in a dining room with people that were old, frail, deformed, crying, cursing etc. etc. The look on his face was pure anger. Although he tends to keep his temper while he is amongst other patients and staff, it comes out on me. I know that this is the stroke and not him but I am constantly being told to "not take this personally", I can't help it!!!

After some doing, I convinced a member of the staff to let him eat in his room and that I'd watch over him. He was very greatful to me, that I could tell. I've found that the most I can stay with him is no longer than 1 hour; I can see he gets frustrated so I feel it's best for both of us to leave. My heart goes out to all the patients in this facility and their families and though I feel guilty saying this "They are elderly! Tony is 46 years young"! He had to be moved from the first facility because of our health insurance. It would only cover him for a certain amount of days in this one. Today, I can honestly say that it was the first time since all this happened that I finally said "WHY US"? Tonight I am so sad and am having a difficult time trying to keep from crying. I just needed a shoulder (actually a few of them) to cry on; so for that I thank you all!

Louise

[cam1960]

Hi Louise,

So sorry for what you and your husband are going through! When I was in a rehab hospital last summer, I felt the same way. I was 46, and everyone around me was over 70. I was a little too selfish at that point to see that I was far luckier than them. I felt like I had been thrown aside like an old shoe!

It's terrifying to be 'put away' (my warped view at the time). The doctors can't say if or when you'll recover. I had no idea what was in store for me. I honestly wanted to jump out the window. Lucky thing they keep those suckers locked. I was a mess. It was only after some time in therapy that I realized I wasn't stuck there for life. Youth (relative) was in my favor and I walked out in a few weeks.

If your hubby is like me, he may have some emotional issues too. It's hard to see things clearly in that position, especially when your brain has been under attack! The best you can do for him is offer comfort and reassurance. His anger is at himself, not at you. He probably fears you will get tired of this and find some nice healthy guy! (That was always a neurotic fear of mine)

Many hugs to you and your hubby, it will get better!

:hug: :hug:

Carol

[dstraugh]

Loiuse :hug: to you. I can give you my right shoulder as that's my good side. There will be better days.

When I was in rehab, I was 50 - I ws the youngest one there. As your hubby adjusts, hopefully some of the staff will interact with him to make the time easier. It is a plus he is there. What if insurance did not cover rehab and he was sent home. Are you able, at this time, to provide 24/7 care to him?

 

Is someone qualified running the business at this time? And, can they continue to do so? It's normal to go through the Why us and the pity parties. However wallowing there is not beneficial or healthy to either one of you.

 

Focus on the fact he survived a brain attack/stroke and that he alive each day to face the elderly patients. If he's always been on the go, perhaps his enthusiasm will light a few fires within them.

[lady k]

I thought I posted a reply, oh well i must be slipping. I was in a rehab hospital and although I wasn't the youngest, I was younger than most, however there was a wonderful elderly lady who welcomed me warmly and helped me feel included, after she left I tried to follow her example and sometimes it was very difficult, it was considered the brain damage ward of the hospital and was for acute care rehab. I was better off than quite a few of them. some not able to get out of bed. I had pt 3 times a day and ot 3 times a day and speech 2 times a day, I was getting what I needed so it was the right place for me. it was very difficult to accept though. :hug: :hiya: :dribble: here's monkey shoulder whiskey

[fking]

Louise,

 

Another welcome and another shoulder to cry on. I feel everything you are feeling and what you are saying. A stroke is one total set back in life for the survivor and all the family members, especially the spouse.

 

You have every reason to feel "Why me, Why him, Why us" but the fact is it could and often does happen to many others just like yourself at all ages, creeds, colors, and financial status. What this experience does is allow all of us to see life as a gift from God.

 

You are not alone in this struggle to survive the aftermath of stroke survival in a nursing facility or a rehab establishment. In my opinion, it comes down to God giving us another chance to life and help others see the true side of love for one another.

 

I'm glad you are here among friends who understands what it's like to be down but not out. I lost my business, almost my house and other replaceable possessions. I've come full circle to know the struggle life gives us to see ourselves as ones to love each other as God loves each of us. We are here for you during these trying times in your road to recovery for your husband. He needs your love and understanding of whats ahead.

[myhome]

 

Louise,

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. I know exactually what he's going through, I was 56 yrs., and everyone at rehab except two were almost 80 yrs. young. Alot of things are going through his mind right now. What you may be seeing in his eyes is anger at the stroke and not you, so hang in there.

For me the anger made me get better, I wasn't going to let the stroke run my life.

Tell him the we're all pulling for him, and our shoulders are always here for you.

 

 

Stu

[lisas]

:welcome: Louise,

 

I know exactly where your coming from. You see my daughter Rachel had her stroke last year at the age of 22. She definitely was the youngest at rehab. She was there for 56 days. I cried everyday for her. We didn't even know in the beginning if she would come home.Our whole world was crumbling around us. I can only imagine how your husband and my daughter and anyone else having a stroke must feel.

 

At first Rachel didn't want to go to therapy sessions, but little by little she became more at ease. The hospital had group sessions where the stroke victims all came together to visit and talk. Most couldn't talk very well, including Rachel who was just starting to verbalize. My husband and I would go to group therapy with Rachel. They welcomed family involvement. I went everyday. It broke my heart to see all these wonderful people around me struggling with their words, their non-moving arms and legs, and all the different new obstacles everyone was now facing.

 

Everyone at rehab was much older than Rachel. After about a couple of weeks though, I noticed a change in Rachel. She started to befriend all her new aquaintances. She wanted to look after everyone. She would cry for them, not herself. I think that really helped her get through her difficult times. Rachel wanted to go visit people in their rooms. Everyone really seemed to enjoy her company. She even started playing cards with an ederly gentleman. It really helped pass the time.

 

We watched as everyone progressed at their own speed. Some returning home with loved ones, others going to nursing homes. Most of the people we met went home before Rachel. As soon as one left it seemed like it was no time and another stroke survivor was admitted to start their new journey. I't amazing to me how many lives are touched by stroke.

 

Louise, I'm sorry that this has happened to you and your husband. All I can say is that you will need to be strong. Oh how difficult this can be!! I know I try to be strong everyday. I pray for strength daily. I will pray for you and your husband as well. Remember to take time for you to relax, so you can be there for your husband. :hug:

 

I just sent an editorial to our local newspaper I hope will be published this week. I had put in their that stroke knows to age, gender, nationality, or religion. Oh how true this is.

[Guest fiduk]

Louise,

 

I can understand how your husband and you feel. My daughter had her stroke at age 11. Once she left the hospital she had to go to therapy for three hours a day, three days a week. She by far the youngest person there. I was very upset about it at the beginning but as time wore on I could see what an impact she was making on the other patients. You could tell that they looked forward to her visits. She would would into the room and everyone would smile and great her by name. I realized what an inspiration she was to them.

 

Good luck to both of you.

 

Nancy

[Sudz]

Hi Louise

Sorry you are going through this I understand

I was 50 when I had a golf-ball size annerysm rupture it was on my mid cerebral artery a main artery to the brain mega damage 13 hrs surgery

They figured I would never go home after 9 mos there we refused a bed in a nursing home got a bed in our local small hosp - came home after a few months -- it was difficult now 5 yrs later. I was in too bad of shape to get much from rehab my family doc realized it was a waiting game with me they would have had to kept me hospitaliized for yrs & yrs to reach the point most strokeepatepatients do when they are discharged sounds like his was pretty bad too

Hope the nursing home is just a stopping place until he improves enough to go homed

Hope this gives you some hope - I watched stroke patient after patient get discharged during my 9 mos there

PM me if you want

Susan

[Phoenix]

I too, was put into 2 different skilled nursing facilities because of insurance. I would have loved to stay at the hospital because they have an awesome hi-tech therapy facility. It is also mega expensive. This hospital is called Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula (CHOMP) and is the closest hospital for pebble Beach and Carmel residents. Carmel is the city Clint Eastwood was mayor and Pebble Beach well, the name speaks for itself. So the hospital employs the best of the best (staff/doctors), high-quality care, high-quality food with a high-quality price. It's like staying in a five-star hotel. Unfortunately I couldn't afford to stay there according to the insurance. Unfortunately insurance has the say so. At 41 years I was the youngest, most alert and with an attitude to kill. I hated being where I was and having my own room helped me so much. I was able to turn my TV up and drown out all those old people yells and smells. (my daughter brought me air freshener that I liked and I sprayed to my hearts' content) I cried a lot in the beginning because I hated where I was at but I soon realized I had to get over it because my reason there was for the therapy.

 

Because I was a patient who can have a logical conversation, the staff loved to visit me and took good care of me. They grew to adore my family and always gave my husband a dinner tray every night when he visit, at no charge. The staff at both places did that. plus my husband always lent a hand for whatever help staff needed. Especially when a tree fell on a power line and the power went out. He had useful equipment in his truck. At the first place, I was sitting by myself and a southern gentleman said I looked like I needed to talk to somebody. He was a patient also and a blessing. Because of him I started venturing out of my room on my own and joining in the morning and afternoon social activities. Yeah, I didn't want to get involved because everybody was so fricken old! The only time I came out of my room was for my daily showers, therapy and when my husband would stroll me out to the garden patio. This first facility was in the city of Monterey (California) and very conveniently located for plenty of daily visits from everyone. Plus my daughter was doing my laundry and she would pick-up and drop off to and fro from her work. The one thing I loved at this place as well, was it had a lot of windows (big ones) and glass outside doors to let the air and sun in. Being able to smell the ocean and hear all those ocean sounds was great. Unfortunately, the place was closing down and I was moved much farther away from my home to a city called Salinas. So because I was farther away, my family visits went from daily to once or twice a week. That was a bummer plus this place didn't have as many windows and far from the ocean.

 

When I first got there I had to share a room with an uppity, snobby old biddy who didn't watch TV and wanted it quite to read. So I would leave the room as soon as I was dressed and hang out in therapy or a TV room on the second floor that nobody really used. I only returned to the room to sleep. I really hated it but they ended up giving me a private room which was awesome. I also ended up becoming friends with a lonely woman who was Chinese but was raised and lived in England. I seeked her out everyday in the social areas and engaged her in conversation, mainly because I loved hearing her talk with her English accent and the stories she would tell of life in England and her trips to London. We became fast friends plus I felt bad for her because some of the staff didn't have the patience with her constant rambling at times because she was alittle off but she comforted me and I saw where I was a great comfort to her. I never brushed her off and always listen to what she had to say. So it made me feel good to be able to brighten somebody's day in such a gloomy place.

 

I know it is hard for both you and your husband but as someone else mentioned, take advantage of the therapy the nursing home has to offer. No matter how rotten I felt being in a place where most patients were a hundred years older than me and most loopy loony to boot, I had to suck it up and tell my self I was getting therapy that I needed and it really prepared me to go home and not be afraid so much.

 

Your Hubby probably won't want to because he is so angry but try to encourage him to get out of his room and joined the social activities the facility schedules. He doesn't have to stay for the whole thing just for a bit. I'm sure they have coffee and tea time, movie time, art, games, church services and so on. Maybe you can schedule yourself to join him in one of these once a week. My sister-in-law worked across the street and came Mon-Fri on her break to join me in the morning coffee, tea, snack time. That made me feel good and out of the room. (This is the one in Monterey) I was, at first, totally against mingling with people who could not control bodily functions, constantly drooling, food hanging out of their mouth, stare at me or yell all of a sudden for no fricken reason, scaring the crap out of me. I tell you there was a man that cursed 24/7 and a lady who yelled "Nurse Nurse, Nurse " without skipping a beat all day, all night. I had to breath and remember what I was there for.A nice thing my husband did for me was bring in the portable DVD player once a week, rent the latest movie out and we watched movies in my room. Plus the staff would pop me microwavable popcorn I was allowed to eat and that was fun. Maybe you could do that too. Also I was allowed to go out for visits and I can't tell you how grateful I was for that. If your husband is allowed and you are abled too, check him out for the day or afternoon even if it'd just for a drive. You husband might appreciate a change of scenery and just get out of there for a few hours. But because you say he is so angry, tell him upfront that being verbally abusive or giving you an attitude will not be tolerated. I was most *beep* off at having a stroke and took it out on hubby and he told me to check myself and put me in place. He told me he was trying to make me comfortable and get me out of the old folks home as much as possible as his work schedule, caring for our youngest disabled child and home would allow. Once I realized all he was trying to do for me, I calmed down and wasn't such a big "B" anymore.

 

But it hasn't been easy. This stroke has made my emotions so wiggity wiggity whacked. As I have learned this is common for stroke.I was so mad I had a stroke, mad at the world and mad at anyone who functioned normal.Yep, I was a beauty to be around at that time. I am still mad but it is not so intense anymore.

 

It takes time and as I read in an article about strokes, basically the brain chemicals controlling the emotions are all jacked up. Of course it was more professionally stated than how I just did it. It will take plenty of patience, determination and strength for both you and your husband on this journey of recovery. I wish you all the best and please keep us posted on how things are going. Also take time and care of yourself.

[TNstroke61306]

Hi Louise :cheer:

 

My husband, George, had his stroke last year June 13, 2006. I was where you are now last year and I truly know what you are going through. George was also in a Skilled Nursing Home for 6 weeks and he was one of the youngest there (63) at the time but he was still one of the youngest. He didn't like going into the dining room very much either. I also drove every day to see him sometimes twice a day and it broke my heart to go there but now he is home. He went from the SNF to the Rehab hospital for a month, then had home health care rehab and now is doing outpatient rehab. It is a long slow process, but it does get better. Just take one day at a time. And I know you have probably been told this before but take care of yourself too. :cocktail: We just got back from a trip to Florida to pick up a handicap van. We flew down and drove it back, yes, things do get better. BUT, I feel for you and my prayers and thoughts are with you and your husband. Please feel free to PM me and I will be glad to talk to you if you want. Also the Caregiver chat is Tuesday evenings 8-9 EST. Hope to see you there. You are NOT alone here. Everyone here is supportive to you.

 

Wendie

[kanderson]

hi louise, i am sorry you are having to deal with this. but i do know that it will get better. i have a suggestion for you, does the facility he is at offer a second seating at meal times. i used to work at SNFS and my facility had 2 seatings for meals, meaning certain residents came at one time( the more alert and functioning ones.) 2nd seating had (residents needing help with eating/or feeders, etc) othwise they ate in their rooms, which isn't good all of the time. they need to socialize with other residents. of coarse your husband is angry, we all were, a stroke turns your life upside down. be patient with him, he will come around. acceptance is the hardest part of a stroke. if you can handle taking him home for a visit as someone mentioned, that would be great. i was 48 when my stroke hit, so i do understand. please keep us posted on how he is doing. we all are here for you both. recovery is a long journey. have him work hard at therapy, so he can come home, that is his new goal to work towards. that was my motivation so i could go home from rehab. you both will be in my prayers and i wish you the best.

kanderson