ksaul Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 hi everyone, i had my strooke in september 2005 -a brain bleed that occorred due to my doctor not realizing i had infectious endocarditis. my stroke was followed by open heart surgery. i have learned to walk with a cane - my left hand and arm are rather useless. i am taking anti depressants and trying to do water exercise. i read about each of you and see such brave people. i feel so guilty - my husband is so tired from the extra load he now carries. i often think he would be better off without me - so he could get on with his life. he says no - he wants to help. i feel so awful that this has happened - life will always be centered around my stroke. i have always been a strong partner and while i am so angry and sad at life's unfair treatment of me - it breaks my heart to see him stuck in this situation. how can i still be a friend and wife anymore? my emo,,tions are all over the place, i cry easy and get confused - i always need help. thanks for listening-you all aRE AMAZING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Welcome Mcsaul, Glad you found this site, strokenet's a wonderful place, with alot of caring people. First of all, the stroke was not your fault, so no pity partys OK? You have to look at the positive, you've got your husband and a life to live with someone that loves you (not a bad thing) Are you in Physio or OT, getting stronger and exercise really helps to improve your outlook on life. Remember we're all here for you, nothing you say will surprise us as we've "been there done that", or are just starting our stroke journey. BTW you never mentioned how old you are, but by looking at your bio I see you're around my age. Feel free to send me an email if you want. Stu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Louise1 Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Hi! I'm Louise, my husband had his stroke on April 13th of this year. I feel as you do but at the other end. Tony's 46 years old, owns his own business and has always done all of the household finances and cooking as well (he's Italian and that was his "stress relief"). He is paralyzed on the right side and has severe aphasia. The only thing he can say is "No". I am overwhelmed! But I have found such strength in my faith in God and my family. The issue that I've had is that I think I can handle all this myself. I can't. I need to accept help from those who have said they were there for me. True friends will help. Accept help from others and mention this to your husband as well. I've tried to find a local support group that I can attend but they're held in the afternoon when I work so I find my comfort on sites like this one and also one on aphasia. Don't feel guilty--you haven't done anything to be guilty of. I am a "newbie" to this site but oh the help that I've received so far! My prayers are with you and your family. :hug: Louise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 MCSaul, Welcome!, I had a bleed also its tough for both of us but we are here and we are survivors. Glad you joined the group. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 mcsaul, As has been said before me, you are not alone in your journey. I can empathize with you as I am a single Mom with a 14 year old daughter. The stroke I had was not her fault or mine just as the stroke you incurred is no one's fault. Life since 1-1-05 as definitely been an adventure, and frustrating for both of us. Whenever I'm down and wanting to attend my "pity party", she promptly tells me that she and the animals need me. Your hubby needs you, and we do too...you are a survivor - it's something to be happy about - honest! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wsteinlauf Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 :Clap-Hands: Hi McSaul, Trust me you are not alone in these feelings and problems. I had my stroke in September 2005 too. The fact that either one of us is alive is miraculous. I know about the feelings that our caregivers would be better off without us. I even offered to sign myself into a stroke home of sorts just so she could get out from under the emotional and financial burden of being with me. Of course, she refused. My wife is in severe fear of our financial situation while I wait for a settlement with SSDI. We were just starting to get our lives up and running when the "lightening bolt" struck. You are supported and I hope you will continue to get these feelings out in the open. From what I have seen this is a safe forum to share feelings. Stroke definitely changes everything ... and in so doing changes us and all those who care about us. Your Friend, WALTER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bstockman Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Hi McSaul another warm WELCOME. You are not alone. Most of have felt some guilt.. The stroke was not something you had any control over. It is a brain attack.. like a heart attack or some other illness. We were not so brave in the beginning.. Stroke affects everyone in the family. It takes a lot of hard work, patience to make an inch of recovery You may want to speak with your Dr. your antidepressant may need to be adjusted or.. changed. If your husband was ever in the military you may want to check.. you may be able to get some help for home care or someone to come in and clean or do laundry a day or 2 a week. Maybe some friends can take turns making a couple meals a week. If you belong to a church or group they may have people taht would volunteer to cook or help with housework or taking yuo to Dr appointments. Check into ssome resources. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kanderson Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 hi mcsaul, another warm welcome to you. i too have felt the way you do. i was 48 when my stroke hit, that was 5 yrs ago. my left hand/arm are nonfunctional. i am able to walk with a cane and afo. my husband now does all the things i used to. we have been married 37yrs, i nursed him through his heart attack, now its my turn. things happen for a reason, we may not know why at the time. try and focus on recovery to get better. i try and help my husband all i can, i can't do alot of what i did before but i can do some things and i always have hope that someday i will be able to do other things again. i cry easily at times also but my meds have made it alot better than it used to be. are you in therapy of any kind? that would help some i think. i'm sure your husband doesn't feel any anger for what he now has to do. maybe you could qualify for meals on wheels, if you have them in your area, to help relieve some of stress on him. i do hope you start to feel better soon. we all do understand. you are a survivor, that is a good thing. kanderson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clag Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 Welcome mcsaul, My hsb had the same stroke as you 4 yrs ago (my how the time flys past), and continues to work hard to regain left arm/hand functions. He also walks with a cane and afo but still requires standby assist. He periodically expresses exactly what you have said, that I should leave him, that I deserve a better life, blah blah blah (lol). It is understandable that he/you might think like that, but in truth it is looking in the wrong direction. At those times I gently remind him that if the roles were reversed and I had the stroke he would not leave me, so why in the world would he think that I would leave. Life is hard for both of us at times since his stroke, but if we are honest, life is hard at times regardless of a stroke. And heck, the way I see it, if it isn't one thing it is another thing, and of the choices a stroke is terrific! Because with a stroke there is opportunity for recovery. Just consider all the research being done with stem cells, and physical therapy, and electrical stimulation. Hope and opportunity is abundant!! True, life will never be the same for either of us, but at 4 yrs post, I can honestly say in some ways it is even better. It has brought us even closer, though we were always tight. My suggestion is to force yourself and your hubby to keep facing in the 'right' direction. It will get better, but for now, you both are working hard, and that is just what a 'team' does. Heck, as we see it, his recovery is the best game going, and we are playing to win, giving it all we got, and then some. I guess you figured out we are a bit competitive when it comes to his getting return of function- sorta like training for the olympics! LOL. A perk is that with all the focus upon working out I have also lost 10 lbs-who woulda thunk it. Look in the 'right' direction. Focus more upon the 'team' and just give it all you got! HUGS Clags' wife Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HostAsha Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 hey mcsaul: I can not top what clag's wife told you, take it to heart and run with it, you still have lot to be thankful about, you still have loving husband, yes you have fallen right now but make lemonade out of your situation, for me stroke happened at age 34, but after 3 years I view it as blessings to strengthen my marriage, raise my only child well, and also I am now spending time in learning new field, still sometime struggle to find my passion, but as long as I am alive I know I will do good in raising my family. Asha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksaul Posted June 12, 2007 Author Share Posted June 12, 2007 I want to thank each of you who took the time to respond to my message yesterday! I know how difficult just key boarding can be. Ihave a better perspective thanks to eveyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest faithycan Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Welcome mcsaul, My husband Tom had his stroke last November. He is able to walk short distances (with someone there at times) and he can walk to the bathroom on his own. He goes to his AA meetings, sometimes with me, other times with his friends. He gets so depressed at times thinking of things past. But I told him what I learned on here. Don't look at pre stroke look at post stroke and all the things that you have acomplished since then. Little steps aren't little steps - they are huge! I cried when Tom got up and went to the bathroom on his own. He used to call me during the night or early morning, then felt guilty for getting me up. (his guilt not mine) I kept telling him it didn't bother me. Same with the shower, He walks up the stairs to the bathroom (me behind him) and we do it together; shower chair, hand held shower. And he cries and thanks me. And I tell him, this is my time with you. Sometimes he doesn't understand that, all he sees is that I am up at 5 instead of 6 every morning. I guess if it were me I would feel the exact same way. He now has the rascal and he is mobile. Believe me he is like the red baron - here one minute - gone the next :head_hurts: But I have to let him go and let GOD. Our faith is the only thing that gets us through this. He also was ignored by the medical community and a piece of bacteria broke off from his heart and he stroked out. Luckily he was in the hospital being treated for an operation he just had; (all pre stroke related) bacteria caused an abcess to his spine, while recovering from the operation, he had the stroke. This has been very hard on him because he used to go to the gym 4 x a week, doing free weights. I told him that is one of the reasons he is doing so well now. He did fall about 3 weeks ago on the landing because (impulse) he didn't wait for our son to help him down the stairs and it took him about 2 weeks to recover from that fall. He was all black and blue and sore. With the stroke affecting his right side of the brain (left side affected) one of the things that I learned is that his impulses and logic are off. So I have to be careful to pick my words with him because he goes off at times. When is is good he is great - when he is off- he is way off and there is hell to pay. The meds affect him also - narcotics - which he abused greatly. So far now he is off of everything and he is due to go back to the pain doctor this Thursday. Please say a prayer that all goes well. I had left a message with his nurse stating how he abused his meds, etc, but do not tell him that I talked to her, she made a note of all of this and assured me, but you never know. You don't come between an ex addict and his meds. But I had to make a conscious decision to call the doctor as it affects the whole household. I did run this by his sponsor first. And I did hold his meds, but this last time he insisted I give them to him - which I gladly did as he made my life hell. Needless to say, the were gone a week early. And he didn't even remember all the hell he put me through. So I am bracing for another battle come Thursday if the doctor tells him. But I had to do it and would do it again when it comes to his health. So hang in there, this is a great place to vent and to listen, and to get wonderful support. Faithy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady k Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 don't know what I did wilth my original post but apparently it's not here, so belated welcome,e to our cyber home.I leave the fate of my marriage in god's hands. i don't know if he will someday want me back or not. sao be thankful for what you have and just do the best you can, give your husband a chance to build his treasure in heaven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ekh92206 Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I know how you feel. I too @ times feel like I will never again be the wife and mother I was before. But you have to take the good with the bad. You and I and all the survivors here are lucky to be alive. Look at it as another chance. Advocate for yourself, push yourself, enjoy your good days and remember them. TAke joy in different things. Your husband is lucky to still have you. This site is very theraputic for me. I've found that I can be totally honest here. Use this site to vent....it's a super tool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodturner550 Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Hi Mcsaul, I'm new to this online support so please bear with me. When I had my stroke 11 years ago I could not even sit up. I was little more than a baby! When I left the hospital I could barely walk, to go to the bath room and back 30 minutes and hope you could get there in time. I too was lucky I had a wonderful supportive partner. Before the stroke I was a perfectionist (what a pain). After the stroke, because I couldn't do anything adaquately, I decided IF I was going to get better I had to have a new set of "life rules". Had to be few as I could not remember much. Decided on one rule! Do the very best I could do and be pleased that I did my best. I will NEVER be what I was, however, with love and support, and a puppy to make me walk ) I SLOWLY so very SLOWLY started to improve. Today I will tell you that the "load or burden you are to your partner" is lighter IF you TRY. The fact that you make the effort will make you feel better in time (emotionally) because you are traveling together, not alone. Best wishes and tell your partner you love them. Leonard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fking Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 Leonard, Glad to see you comment on another post with inspiration to hang in there, it takes two for sure. Introduce yourself when you are ready so others can welcome you to the site. Improvement is a slow process by all standards I know about for all types of strokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady k Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 talk to your doctor about your depression, he may be able to feel somewhat better with the right medicine, you don't sound like you are trying to take advantage of the situation, and now just concentrate on doing everything you can, I have found that even though my husband didn't stay, all I can do is the best I can, so consider it training in case he takes your advise and bails. I will keep you both in my prayers. welcome :hiya: :welcome: :hug: :dribble: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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