BabsZ Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 We have been married 35 wonderful years. He had his stroke almost 2 years ago. Lately he has been depressed but wont admit it. And he has been very critical of everything I do. Today we had our FIRST EVER full blown arguement. I am not used to my gentle spirited husband saying such awful things to me. I just dont understand. :Ask: i just dont understand :Sob: Will this be just a passing thing? Or is this a change that will continue? Is it related to the stroke? and my biggest fear of all, will our marrage survive? I hope so... I am afraid, and feel alone, im stressed. I have some needs to. I need to be loved. I need to be concidered intelelgent and loving and i need to feel like I do some things right. I do lots of things right.. why cant he see any of those things anymore. why does he only see all my faults. :crying: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dstraugh Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 I am so sorry to hear of the problems you are having. I don't have any answers for you - Wish I did but as a survivor and a single parent to boot, have not experienced what you are right now. As you know, stroke affects the spouse/caregiver/family as much as it does the survivor. I pray for things to go better. Is he on anti-depressants? (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lliu Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 i hope the stuation gets better. life for a caregiver is just as difficult for the stroke survivor and the monotony does have its effects on each party. it may be best to seek help from a medical professional to help understand what your husband has been going thru. it may be a phase and hopefully this phase will pass. a medical professional can do an assessment in order to proceed with the proper treatment. a support group or a change of scenery may also help and it's worth a try. good luck and don't give up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabsZ Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 yes he is on antidepressent. Lexapro. But he dosent think he needs them. He talked with his cardio Dr about getting off them. Dr said it would be great if you could get off. and told him if he wnts to try it, to cut in half for awhile then half again. now he has thing mixed up in his mind that the cardio Dr wants him off them for some reason. and gets mad at me if i try to correct him. I have seen a nuropsychologist for me in the past couple of years. started seeing her just before my mom passed away. I cared for her with dementia for several years. mostly she was in her home and I oversaw her from my home until she got so bad she had to be in a nursing home... But back to now. He dosnt want to go see her or anyone like this. because he does not need that sort of help. I believe he needs to be on something but the Lexapro might not be the right one. Some one needs to be monotoring this with me. But he is only ugly when we are alone, not in public or around Drs. When our kids and grand kids come around, he is fine for a while, then gets restless, quiet then retires to his room. but when they leave, its like i am held responsible for every little thing they did. I am not acustom to being talked to like this. I dont want to agrivate it. I try not to get mad and ugly back at him. The arguement was mostly me talking softly trying to show him the calendar and talk things through with him, but he just answers back with all my faults. And how i ALWAYS do stuff, and NEVER do other stuff, and how talking with me is no good. We are leaving this after noon to camp in a naational park. sure hope the outdoors and fresh air gets us back on track. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindyg1947 Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 My husband stroked 2 years ago and has turned into the meanest person I have ever known. He tells me every day I don't do anything right, he don't need me and tells me to get out almost every day. It has got worse over time not better. Our Dr said he knows what he is doing. He yells constantly at all of us that are around him every day. I now go out when he starts in. I have decidded not to sit here and take it any more, He is on anti depresents but his attitude is really bad. He thinks the minute he wants something you should jump for him and I don't do that. Any way,,,,, I wish you luck with your hubby. We have been married for 26 years and if this keeps up I am leaving. My situation just gets worse every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myhome Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 yes he is on antidepressent. Lexapro. But he dosent think he needs them. He talked with his cardio Dr about getting off them. Dr said it would be great if you could get off. and told him if he wnts to try it, to cut in half for awhile then half again. now he has thing mixed up in his mind that the cardio Dr wants him off them for some reason. and gets mad at me if i try to correct him. You should get him to see a nuro-phychiatrist, and get his Cardio doctor to talk to him about this idea that he wants him completly off the meds. Does he have any dimentia symptoms? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arogers Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 First of all, as a caregiver you do have some rights of your own. You are a loving wife who has devoted 24/7, 365 to your husband's needs since his stroke, especially. It is your right to be treated with dignity, just as you treat him. For that reason I encourage you to make that appointment for your husband with a neuropsychologist. Since he is different around doctors you will only have to put up with it until he gets there! Once he is there you should go with him and describe the situation - in front of him. The doctor can then discuss with him what may be going on. Also, explain that a cardiologist is NOT the professional who should be monitoring him since his/her specialty is cardiology! The suggestion should not even have been made to change any medications other than those he has prescribed. (That's my opinion and it is one I carry to all my husband's various physicians.) Any change in emotional status should be reported to the neurologist. If your husband has not been the way he is now, there may be a reason for it the neurologist can explain. None of us needs to go through this alone. I think the best thing I have done for myself is becoming part of a support group. Since my husband suffers from vascular dementia I go to a support group monthly that is directed toward caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimers/ dementia. There I have found I am not alone, and my husband's condition is not unique to him. This site will also provide lots of support for you. Others here can help you learn to deal with almost any situation. We all have our "trials" and as other caregivers we can support you emotionally. Cindy said when her husband starts in she goes out. Maybe that is what you need to do. You don't have to leave in a huff, but you could say something like, 'apparently we both need a breather for a little bit, I'm going to ________________ for a bit.' By the way, you asked if it is related to the stroke. I would say, although I am certainly no professional, that in all likelihood it is related to his stroke. Whether physically or emotionally, the stroke is probably affecting his ability to cope and act in a rational manner Good luck to you!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest NoriB Posted April 9, 2008 Share Posted April 9, 2008 My husband had his stroke nearly 3 years ago, and I am still wrestling with the emotional aftermath of how he tends to communicate with me (demanding, rude, insensitive). Even thought I realize intellectually that he is not capable of considering my needs, feelings, and limits, when he acts the way he does, it can be devastating to me. I find myself suddenly crying while driving myself to work. At night, when I finally have time to myself, I feel exhausted and depressed. What to do? I agree with all of the other replies that he needs a neurologist or neuropsychiatrist, preferably specializing in stroke, to oversee his care. It has made a positive difference since my husband has been seen by a rehab physician who is the clinical director for stroke rehab. Depression and anger can go hand in hand, and he needs the appropriate medical management. As for yourself, if you can see a therapist you feel comfortable with, it would go a long way to unburden your feelings to a professional. Once you've mastered the physical daily tasks to help your husband, the emotional burden I think, is the most difficult. Try as much as possible to tell yourself that his anger is not about you, or what you did. I understand completely how awful it feels to be the brunt of anger and verbal attacks from my husband. I have also lashed back many times, out of frustration and hurt. I think the more we can take care of ourselves, the less we will be so adversely affected by our husband's ways. I don't think we can achieve the impersonal professional detachment practiced by medical professionals, because we can't help be emotionally involved with our spouse. I hope you find the help you need, and know that you are not alone. NoriB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2ndChance Posted April 9, 2008 Share Posted April 9, 2008 Is there any indication that has insight into his owmn behavior? Is he apologetic later? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
erty Posted April 10, 2008 Share Posted April 10, 2008 i don't kno what hzpnd. i hope u gotn the 1st part. sumtymz i thnk i must lash out, & pbly am mean to my wife of 38 yrs (i'll be quite happily surpzd if we mke it to 39.) i would like to be close to my wife, but i thnk she never knows who she will get - the guy who is happy and mks the mst of his life, or the guy who presents him to the person he loves the most (like your hubby probably loves u as a man who is angry at his situation, u, anpythg or evrythg else. your husband's, and your, life has changed forever. that is really too bad. the only things i can say r tht as a survivor, it may be a lot worse to us than it can be 4 u, and, as, i breliee descart said, it's not the cardsd u r dealt in life, but how u play them that counts. erty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
producegrl Posted May 14, 2008 Share Posted May 14, 2008 My fiancee' treated me this way after his TIA also. It was a constant thing and many nights of confusion.. I cryed alot also... I forgave him and tryed to love him through his faults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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