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holding my own

nancyl

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as the title says… I am holding my own, I have not felt "detached" for 2 days…. what a gift… I still feel like i am underwater, but attached to mankind. I know the metaphor is hdd to grasp , but for me it is the description i can give… my eyes and ears still are not right and i still have the jolted feeling ( like I had just touched an electric fence)… but after all the stuff depression has thrown at me, I am still standing. Thank God for medications -- without them i would no longer be here.. life was becoming to hard. But now I feel pretty good… and since I have been numb more or less to pain for the last several months - I am enjoying my back ache.. lol… and my feet hurt to… pain means you are alive… and I had none for so long, that was part of my particular depression numb physically and emotionally. And get this . lol --- My "executive faculties " were greatly affected… ummm - specifically " response inhibition " . Basically you get the truth from me - no filter.. ( verbally) - that is improving as well, but geez never knew there was such a thing… now i do , ………… Depression it is really a fatal disease no matter how one obtains the affliction… mine , as most of you know - i just marched right into it full speed ahead. I had no idea I couldn't do it all…. I could have with a different Dan , but this stroke Dan was a real handful… and it breaks my heart leave him every night at the home, it is how it has to be..well ( SIGH) i am tired fighting with your own brain all day is very tiring… Nancyl



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Nancy, you are improving little by little.   Now it's your turn to nurse and nurture Nancy.   Mother yourself, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself all the room that you would have allowed someone else to have, for re-cooperating (is that how to spell that?)

 

I know it hurts to leave him, but it also hurts to have him home, because of his taking it all out on you.   At least now you have time to work on yourself.   You did the right thing, a dead Nancy couldn't take care of Dan, either.   So, this gives you both a chance, and you are worth it!

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Hey Nancy keep on holding your own.  I have a little wrist band that says Compassion on each side there is a different color so when I do something compassionate for myself or for another, I just flip it to remind me that I did something compassionate which is self healing no matter if I do it for me or for you.  I wear it when I feel I need some self-care and I make it mandatory to do something to spoil myself outwardly  like using a nice lotion and forgive myself inwardly with each time I flip the band.  Maybe it sounds weird but for me it helped me actually do something  and action helped my brain process the idea of being compassionate to myself when I had always been focused on being a mother to other kind of person.  Being my own mother was a healing process.  I had so much guilt when I felt I let others down and I put so much pressure on myself to always do the right thing.  But I was lost in it.  This is just my way of reclaiming self-compassion when I put on that band I know I need to be more aware of taking care of myself inside and out.  And it is a cool color band too.  People ask me about it all the time so I get to share the message.  In our day it is seen as kind of selfish to talk about self-compassion but it is vital if we are to make a difference to anyone else, we must be ok ourselves.

I was told a story about the jar full of marbles. Each day a woman carried around a jar of marbles and everyone took one out of the jar when they needed her to be something or do something.  At the end of the week the woman was out of marbles and  felt horrible and could not help anyone else either.  Then she had to go someplace where they would put marbles in her jar and not take them.  At the end of the week she had a full jar of marbles and so she decided to go share her marbles and help others again, but she visited the place again and again to refill her jar of marbles so she never ran out of them again so she would feel good and be able to help others too.    The moral of the story of course is don't loose your marbles.

 

Seriously, it is great you are doing what you need to do.  I hope as you are traveling on this new pathfinding journey you will grow and heal and emerge each day as a new improved Nancy.  I am so glad you reached out and got help when you needed it. Depression is a real painful place and a real illness just as any physical one but one that can be managed.  Keep getting support and doing what you need to do for yourself to feel whole and well.  You are not alone and you are brave to share this on here for others who also suffer. You have suffered watching your Dan go through this and there have been many losses and things to grieve along the way.  You are brave to seek treatment so you can still be here to visit and comfort Dan so he is never alone either.  That is how you have contributed to his care just by being you and being there to visit and you were wise and selfless to put him where he could get the best care he needed.

 

Please keep sharing on here and keep us posted about how you are doing. 

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Nancy, how are you doing?? I would have sworn I wrote you a note yesterday, I don't see it so guess I didn't so I'm still normal I think!!! Tell Dan hello and your kids too!!!

 

I thought by this time you would have started working again??

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Thank you for checking in, Nancy. Healing continues. In my prayers, you know that.

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It's so good to hear from you, and also know that things are getting better for you. If all you can do is to get through a day, then that in itself is an accomplishment. And you should pat yourself on the back for a job well-done! Thoughts and prayers, Becky

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i have remained in my "body" and not climbed out since i last wrote… I still am jolted, but hey, this was a long time coming now it is a long time leaving… bbut the way i feel now is something i can live with…when i was at my sickest and was entering the mental hospital .. my thoughts were, i want to live…. BUT not like this… so what i would say was, it is not that i want to die , but i can't live like this either.. at some point i would have taken my own life … the mental anguish is unbelievable , … like i said i still have the jolted feeling and the spin has slowed but not stopped… Dan is doing OK at the home, and he comes out a lot… his behavior dictates where he spends his time… if he dosent  want to get up and out of bed, he don't have to… we just leave and tell him we will back tomorrow… so it is working out for the most part…it is still a lot of work for me, and the family but at least this Dan - when he is out and about is so much nicer… but every now and then he can do the nasty thing intentionally ( because is so compulsive and needs his own way ) -- example… he wants his window open further at the nursing home- ok .. then he wants the other one open, leaning over hurts my back … but he doesn't care and "locks in " on getting his own way. now to train him and me … to no longer be so compulsive and demanding and me to do better and not give in to his every little whim…Continuing down the stroke road, but also keeping a very close eye on the mental health road… is important - i just wish, It was not the "way it is" -- but we all know --- IT IS WHAT IT IS ---nancyl

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Nancy,

Take your time and get well. You are in my prayers . I am so glad to hear that you are doing well. Ruth

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Nancy, my heart goes out to you. I hadn't been on here & then when I was I didn't see your posts anymore & wondered if you were OK. I'm so glad you're getting help for your depression. You've gone through a lot & been so strong. It sounds like you're on the road to recovery, but I know there are a lot of ups and downs. Don't give up!!

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