just wish i was dead
I looked to my left and seen the corner of the Army Humvee protruding through my car window. Just a few inches closer and it would've bashed into my head. I looked down at the broken glass from my window sitting in my lap. As the medics took my vitals, the police officer told me I was lucky to be alive. In my mind I asked God why didn't he just kill me...I remained calm until the medic told me I needed to go to the hospital.Suddenly I heard sounds of the ambulance siren, felt the bumpy ride underneath the stretcher as I looked through the back window of the van and tried not to inhale the plastic from the oxygen mask placed on my face. It was 2001 and I was having a seizure. I tuned back in. I heard something about x-rays and scans. I burst into tears as I convinced the medic I didn't need to go to the hospital.
Today, July 18 around 7:50 a.m. I got in a car accident not even a month after getting my license. I was hit by an Army humvee on my way to work. There was something about the day I got my license that told me I couldn't get too excited. Sure I made a big step in my journey to independence but the hard part had just begun. It didn't take long for me to realize I hated driving. I'd rode in the passenger seat for so long and come to accept the fact I would never be able to drive, soon I didn't even want to drive anymore but once I got my license I was up for the challenge. Each morning I would get on my knees and pray for safety and protection, take my time driving, scan to compensate for my vision loss, and avoid switching lanes as much as possible. It was tough but hey I'd finally gotten what I wanted right? I was driving right? Why complain.
As I wrote at the beginning of this entry, when I got in the accident and was told I should go to the hospital, I became hysterical. The last time I was in an emergency vehicle was the first time I had a grand mal seizure before the stroke. I didn't want those memories but it seems like I just can't change my past. I cried myself to sleep last night because of my past. I have been through so much and I can't fix anything. No amount of exercise I do can change the fact that I cant move my hand and no exercise can bring back my vision and make driving easier. I prayed for a little bit longer this morning. God had finally given me a car, a license, and a job and all I could do was think of the fact I still cant move my hand or see on my left side. Maybe God made me get hit by the humvee as my punishment for not being thankful enough. Maybe things in my life were going to well that I needed something else to really upset me besides the depression from the stroke that gets to me occasionally.
I remember walking away from home in the middle of the road hoping to get ran over and killed after I got that letter from DMV that I would never be given a license back in 2006. I remember asking God why he didnt just kill me during the brain surgeries. I remember swallowing all those pills after telling God if he didn't kill me I would just kill myself. Today all of these memories came back. Im so ashamed to go back to work tomorrow. Everyone was so happy for me when I got the license. I was so happy to be driving myself to work every morning. Now I have no car, it will only be a matter of time before the review board takes my license away, and I have to figure out how I will get to work. Frustrated with God, I dont feel the need to pray or read the bible. I just wish I would've died today. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I hate my life. I hate myself.