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just wish i was dead


CagedBird

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I looked to my left and seen the corner of the Army Humvee protruding through my car window. Just a few inches closer and it would've bashed into my head. I looked down at the broken glass from my window sitting in my lap. As the medics took my vitals, the police officer told me I was lucky to be alive. In my mind I asked God why didn't he just kill me...I remained calm until the medic told me I needed to go to the hospital.Suddenly I heard sounds of the ambulance siren, felt the bumpy ride underneath the stretcher as I looked through the back window of the van and tried not to inhale the plastic from the oxygen mask placed on my face. It was 2001 and I was having a seizure. I tuned back in. I heard something about x-rays and scans. I burst into tears as I convinced the medic I didn't need to go to the hospital.

Today, July 18 around 7:50 a.m. I got in a car accident not even a month after getting my license. I was hit by an Army humvee on my way to work. There was something about the day I got my license that told me I couldn't get too excited. Sure I made a big step in my journey to independence but the hard part had just begun. It didn't take long for me to realize I hated driving. I'd rode in the passenger seat for so long and come to accept the fact I would never be able to drive, soon I didn't even want to drive anymore but once I got my license I was up for the challenge. Each morning I would get on my knees and pray for safety and protection, take my time driving, scan to compensate for my vision loss, and avoid switching lanes as much as possible. It was tough but hey I'd finally gotten what I wanted right? I was driving right? Why complain.

As I wrote at the beginning of this entry, when I got in the accident and was told I should go to the hospital, I became hysterical. The last time I was in an emergency vehicle was the first time I had a grand mal seizure before the stroke. I didn't want those memories but it seems like I just can't change my past. I cried myself to sleep last night because of my past. I have been through so much and I can't fix anything. No amount of exercise I do can change the fact that I cant move my hand and no exercise can bring back my vision and make driving easier. I prayed for a little bit longer this morning. God had finally given me a car, a license, and a job and all I could do was think of the fact I still cant move my hand or see on my left side. Maybe God made me get hit by the humvee as my punishment for not being thankful enough. Maybe things in my life were going to well that I needed something else to really upset me besides the depression from the stroke that gets to me occasionally.

I remember walking away from home in the middle of the road hoping to get ran over and killed after I got that letter from DMV that I would never be given a license back in 2006. I remember asking God why he didnt just kill me during the brain surgeries. I remember swallowing all those pills after telling God if he didn't kill me I would just kill myself. Today all of these memories came back. Im so ashamed to go back to work tomorrow. Everyone was so happy for me when I got the license. I was so happy to be driving myself to work every morning. Now I have no car, it will only be a matter of time before the review board takes my license away, and I have to figure out how I will get to work. Frustrated with God, I dont feel the need to pray or read the bible. I just wish I would've died today. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I hate my life. I hate myself.

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Katrina:

 

accidents happens & they are part of driving, thats why we buy car insurance. accidents happens to everybody even able bodied people. It is great that you are not hurt, that's most important part. material things can be & will be fixed. so don't worry about it, let insurance company take care of this. BTW you write like novel. I have to reread to understand the plot lol. I guess I will blame it on my damaged brain lol.

 

Asha

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Katrina my husband is dying he is hanging on to life with everything he has and is fighting monumental battles for added days or weeks. This was a car accident the Humvees tires did not squash your head Everything is fine the only thing injured here was a material things which can be replaced You have come so far dont throw in the towel now. Look at all you have overcome and triumphed over Hugs This is another day that the Lord has made and We shall rejoice and be GLAD in it Love Karen

 

 

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God does not make things happen but he does allow things to happen to us in order to bring us closer to Him, to make us rely on Him totally. Please don't give up. God is still with you. He will carry you if you allow Him. Try to give all your issues over to Him to deal with. You only. Need to listen and follow His voice.

 

 

My prayers are with you. Roseann

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Katrina, wishing away your life is something that young people do. I am glad you came through the accident and are still in relatively good health. I know it is another burst bubble in your life but as you say you have already come through so much.

 

I think you need to find a counsellor who deals in problems with the healing of old memories as it seems to me that you are dragging a lot of sad memories with you that cast a shadow over your present life. You have come a long way and need to let the past fade away.

 

You will sort out this problem just as you have other problems in the past. That which does not break you makes you strong.

 

Sue.

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Hi Katrina: Thank God you are all right. The comments above are right on. Give yourself a break. Just tonight I was thinking--yes, it's not a bad dream, I did have a stroke--but, I've got a new life and a chance to help others.

You are in the same boat with me, Katrina--except you're much younger! You've got a lot going for you, girl--go for it! Your friend, Henry

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Thank goodness you survived; apparently God is not ready for you yet - there must be a reason you are here on this earth.

 

My sister died in 2002 at the ripe old age of 39; she fought for every day of her last 6 years on this earth. She too suffered with bouts of seemingly unending depression, and would self-check herself into the hospital for help.

 

There is help out there for you, help to cope with your depression and help with the demons of your memories. Please run, do not delay to your closest counselor for insight into these negative feelings. There is more to life than a car - it is truly a material thing.

 

I will pray that you find the strength to endure those things that you cannot change, and the strength to change and improve what you can.

 

Godspeed, Kathy

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What a crappy day, Right? I was in a car accident a little over a year ago. My response was just like yours! You didn't say if the accident was your fault. Mine was. I was mad and all those negatives came to the surface. But guess what. You do get over it even though it doesn't feel like it at the time. You have overcome so much more. You will do so again. Oh, and God is big enough to handle your feelings of anger too.

Ruth

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Katrina,

Such doom and gloom. Stop for a minute honey. As Ruth said...You didn't even really say if the accident was your fault. It seems that you are anticipating bad things to attribute to the fallout of your stroke. Things happen anyway honey, and would even if you'd never had a stroke.

Did you stop and consider that the ninny driving the Hummer may have not been all too experienced with it? Things in life just happen. It's all part of growing up and most times really have nothing to do with your stroke.

 

The trials and tribulations you've been through.... two faced best girlfriends, heartbreak of a first love, trying to find a place to fit in are things you would have gone through growing up as a teenager anyway even if you had not had stroke. The stroke only made it harder for you because it made you feel that much more different. Think of it this way: You were actually better than the average girl because you made it through with the added challenges when all they had was basic insecurity.

 

This is just like that, just par for the course. It happens, not caused by the stroke. It's great that your experiences have molded you in to a responsible adult, but you only need to take responsibility for what YOU actually create now by your decisions. If you had gotten in to the accident because you had made a poor decision by driving under the influence then it would be your responsibility to own up to. Other than things you bring on yourself, stuff just sometimes happens that you have no control over. If you let things that effect you that you aren't really responsible for it will only make you angry and bitter ~ you're too pretty for angry and bitter.

 

Can't blame God or yourself because you know you don't deserve it. Maybe try to accept that bad things sometimes happen just because they do, and pray that God continues to keep you safe and gives you the peace of mind to understand His will.

 

Love you,

 

Maria :mwah:

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Katrina, my heart is absolutely broken for you I wish I knew the right things to say to make you feel better. I wis I could just make you better so you wouldnt have to go trough thi anymore. I know all too well how heavily disablity weighs on the soul. god hasn't forgotten you but Im not even going to tak about it, You have to come to that reALIZATION ON YOUR Own time I just pray that you eill and that you will not ever give up on yourself I had a revalation ne evening it was about 6 montha after the stroke and I was out later tha I planned to be I had just seen a movie with my sister. I dropped her off and thn has to head back to my place in Manhattan but the un set while we were in the movies... I was nervous because I hve serious issues driving at night. I dropped her off, committed to getting me and y car home and I ghit the highway. I squeezed the steering wheel soooo tight my knuckles hurt I prayed that God would just get me home safeky... then it hit me. I'm alive! If He wanted me he could have taken me when I first has the stroke.... and He didn't. I realized that the fact that Im still here means Im meant to be therefore nothing bad will happen to me as I dive home tonight... We're not here by accidnt... That you firsat survived the stroke, your surgery and now this car accident should only affirm that you are herew because He wants ou here. As I drove I thought" I csant work helping people the way I used to s why keep me alive at all...? Well the answer I came to is that I will find s ither way to reach out to people and help them Though I lan on returning to clinical medicine soon I've started with research for now and I know ythat he's going to make use of ny abilities or else why would my life have been spared? Its because there's something I'm yet to do.... You're going throug Hell right now but just keep going on the end of it, when you get out you'll have the bestest reward just hold tight and stay true to HIm AND YOU WILL GET THERE i KNOW YTIS BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY HERE. aFTER ALL YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH. iF EVER THERE WAS A PRECIOUS LIFE IT'S GOT TO BE THE ONRE THAT WAS NEARLY CONDUMED BY THE GIRE ONLY TO BE SNATCHED TO SAFETRY TIME AND AGAIN. i KNOW YOU'RE NOT LIVING THE WAY YOU WANT TO LIVE, iM NOT EITHER BUT YOU WILL AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU DON'T GIVE UP. Dont ever give up Katrina. EVER! YOU SURVIVED FOR A REASON THAT i CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT THE REASON IS DOES NOTHING TO DIMINISH THE FACT THAT THERE IS ONE. pLEASE GET HELP. i LOVE YOU FROM HERE AND i DONT WANT TO HEAR OF YOU EVER HURTING YOURSELF. i KNOW AND i GET YOUR PAIN BUT PLEASE DON'T GO FIND SOMEONE TO TALK O HECK IF YOU WANT WE CANTALK BY PHONEi'LL NOTE YOU MY CELL NUMBER YOU CA N CALL ANYTIME i GET IT. i HAD A CRAPPY DAY YESTERDAY... ITS OVER A YEAR AND i STILL GET THE SUPER SAD iVE GOT TO GET IN BED AND CRY DAYS BUT TODAY IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER. aS LONG AS WE WAK UP EACH MORNING THERES ALWAYS HOPE FOR US TO BE BETTER LET ME KNOW IF YOU WABT MY NUMBER WE CAN TALK, KICK IT OR WHATEVER YOU KNOW UNTIL YOU'RE EELING BETTER LOOK BACK TO YOUR GRADUATION AND ALL THAT YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED WITH SO MUCH ON YOUR PLATE YOU ARE A FIGHTER DONT EVER GIVE UP PLEASE:O)

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Hi Katrina

Believe me, I have wished I had just died before. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I stay in bed and cry under the covers. It seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. But somehow I make it.

 

I'm not saying I have been through anything like you, but those feelings are universal. I know life is unfair, and that it makes no sense.

 

You have your life ahead, and it's not all tragedy, I promise.

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Katrina, I am so sorry you had an accident. People do have accidents, thats life. It does not mean your license will be taken away. it does not mean your life is over. I had my share of accidents after the stroke. Life happens. Maybe, like me it was a lesson for you to pay more attention, turn off the radio etc. Don`t take this as if it was a life sentence it is not, What it is, is scary for someone who just got her driving priviledge back. I understand. When you can, get back on your horse and enjoy your summer. I hope you realize how lucky you were not to get hurt. Please count your blessings and dont ask God to take you yet. Life is so short. I still mean what I said in reply to your post. You still are an inspiration to all of us. This is a bump in the road, dont make it into something more. Go do something you like, relax and enjoy yourself while you are still young. Have a great summer. All the best to you,

 

mc

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