While Bob is awake I only think of the moment. But when he's asleep, I still find myself totally in disbelief. It's like there are 2 people inside my head.. the one who steps forward and does what needs to be done to carve out a life for us, and the other one.... the one who's waiting to wake up from this 'has to be' a dream. You're doing great Nancy, thanks for blogging, I can identify with what you say.

You’re more than good for something, you’re an amazing wife and careful and I’m sure Dan is blessed to have you. And yes I know what it’s like to reminisce about the past I do it all the time myself but I also day dream about the future and it’s amazing sometimes they are almost in sync with each other. Kinda weird I know right, but maybe it’s God’s way of showing me that there is more to come in my life and I just need to keep believing and putting my trust in him.

Pam

Please excuse my spelling I meant to amazing caregiver. And keep those dreams alive. !!!

Sandy, you are right, calm and practical though the day, dealing with life crisis by crisis and then unable to sleep at night because of the "bad stuff" that refuses to go away. I guess we count the nights we sleep, also the nights they have a good night's sleep as the good nights.

I wish there was a solution but it is the old one as usual, one day at a time.

Nancy, I find I move in and out of acceptance, that is I accept it all at a certain level but then a change happens and I have to reach acceptance all over again.

Sue.

That is for sure with all things ------- darn it anyways..nancyl

As much as Mike has improved over the past month he still has a long way to go and I am not sure just how much he will get back in the end. I feel in my heart that one day he will be close to the old normal but then there are those days when I just feel like this is as good as it is gonna get. Those are the days when I disappear and cry to myself. We all have those days as caregivers Nancy, we just don't talk about them much. We should do better at that. It helps cleanse the emotions and after it is over we can focus on the moment and what is important. This is why I love this site, it helps to know you are not alone in those types of feelings. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

Cat

I find as time goes by, that I panic less frequently - emotionally. There are still times I look at his face and just fall apart. And I have accepted that it is not a "dream." Took a long time but finally got there. Now I just try to focus on the positive, find some things just for me, not related to stroke.

Finally getting some good night's sleep. Getting back into my own bed certainly helped, not having to worry about Bruce wakening and trying to get out of bed by himself. Better nutrition and exercise, for me. Time outs and my work. Certainly Kira helps - she is a unique pet. And maybe that is just it. Realizing that life has become a flow, a routine. There is a beginning to the day and an end. Having things organized enough to be able to have some down time, finances in order, advance planning in place. Life certainly not what we expected or planned for, but a certain structure that has developed and works certainly.

I think most of the apprehension and anxiety that all of us feel is the uncertainty that stroke has thrown in our faces. I know, for me, life kind of just evolved. I made decisions, accepted change and knew that somehow, things would work out. Knowlng my Bruce was there for support and advice and me for him. There was a certain peace in knowing that. Stroke at least for me, took that away. Those nights I lay awake with worry, pain, making lists-things to do, disappointed in what when wrong that day, joy in what went well - that is stroke's legacy.

I don't think any of us could have gotten as far as we have without strong self-esteem,knowing that we can somehow get through anything. But yes, we doubt, second guess. Debbie

Nancy, you know I just went through this a week or so after you. The last few night have been hell. Haven't had a full night's sleep in can't say when. Now Ray not only wakes up but wants to go to the hospital at 1 AM, however too many false alarms and I sort of refused last night. I know he is in some kind of pain, but since he can't tell me or the EMTs or doctors what or where, it doesn't go anywhere. Just 7 or 8 hours of ER time. His vitals are always fine. Side effects from meds? Phantom pain from paralysis? Spasms from anxiety or maybe still a bit of seizure? I am burned out trying to figure it out and I know his doctor is annoyed I'm not running for tests every minute anymore. But doc, try living my life and then tell me about it! One thing I've learned from all this is there are no guarantees.

The dreams are evolving, sometimes he can talk to me but I am fully aware of how strange and wonderful it is. Not too shabby. Don't remember what he says, but I am always in amazement.