you can only do one thing at a time...... mike must be the priority..... that said you have done a wonderful job of insuring the grand-daughter will be well taken care of..... and this is gonna be hard on everyone involved but that is family - family are the ones who will do ,who will take care of each other... in the end family is the only thing that matters...and yours is taking care of each other.nancyl

Well this is a tough one. I know you feel torn. I can tell you from a survivor's point of view that I can not tolerate as much stress as I used to. I feel like my stress from the chaos and problems that my own sons cause in my household hinder my recovery. I definitely don't have the tolerance that I used to have and it has been the cause of many an argument between Todd and I as to how to handle them. We NEVER used to fight and do not fight about ANYTHING else except the boys. I really feel like I would be able to achieve much more recovery if they weren't here. I feel very guilty saying that because they are my kids and I love them but it is the truth.

That being said, I think you should at least give your sister a chance with your grandaughter, as long as she is willing to take on the responsibility, and see how it goes. Does your sister live near you and Mike? If so, it will make it much easier to be present and help out with her and help whenever disagreements arise. Does your grandaughter want to go with your sister or is she resistant to it?

The way I see it, you are not shucking your responsibilities as a grandparent by not taking her in. You already have taken on the responsibility as caregiver and fiance/future wife of a stroke victim and I believe by taking her in too against Mike's wishes, or leaving Mike to fend for himself, the stress on you would be too great a price to pay for the BOTH of you. That is my 2-cents and I am sure others will probably disagree with me and have a different point of view and you should definitely consider all the aspects and opinions before making a decision. Good luck!

Dena

That's a hard sell either way it goes first of all! What say you oh great net?? Tell me what you would do please!! Something tells me not to say nothing but the other side of me say tell you what I would do in a very similar situation!!

I'm well into my fourth marriage by fourteen years which by the way is the longest I been married and I have kids (two) and many grand kids now!! My current has two kids girl and boy same as me and several grands too!! So not from my experiences but more of you being the grand parent I would say take the child in your home at 11 years old!! I feel you being female you can tell, show, and explain to her what life is about at her age!!

Now the big question is with you and Mike trying to make a go of this relationship after your previous divorce with his feelings he explained to you about a child in the house!! Right there is a big problem since you say you two are friends on Face book site but I guess you now reside together under your roof or his and he is a survivor making you the care giver (right)

Normally family comes first in my mind unless you and Mike are closer than just friends by a website and have future plans on becoming a household couple!! I say that because you been in one marriage and you don't want to keep getting in and out again although things will happen, it did to me!! Oh but if I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have chosen the two wives I did prior to this fourth marriage which is all I ever needed!!!

You are at a crossroad in life and must live with whatever decision made!! As I said earlier I just have my experiences no counselor thoughts along these avenues and I don't know how you really feel at this time when a decision must be rendered soon!!

You got Mike who don't care for young kids and you got the grand child with a parent on drugs, you say you really care for Mike and I'm sure your grand child too so my thoughts are to take the child in your home and see to it she gets a chance in life and not be a run-away later in her life and end up on drugs like her mom which I assume is your daughter or daughter in law!!

Cat, you have to take it from there and do what your heart tells you after a few prayers to God and I would live with that decision!!!!

Cat,

The females are correct in this one I believe. I am a caregiver tho my stroke survivor is just a young child. I am at a crossroads in my life as well when it comes to taking in other children. My husbands cousin has had two children taken away from her do to drugs as well and her parents are not doing to well and she wants my husband and I to care for two children who are way younger than 11. The two kids in this scenario are 2 yrs and baby at 7 mos. I would love to take these small babies in but as my blog says I am way too busy. With all the things I have to do for Cayden at 5 yrs of age I can just imagine what you have to do to help Mike out with. I know how hectic being a caregiver can be. I know with us not having the stroke it is hard for us to understand what our loved ones have to go through that is what I like about this site you get other peoples sides to this stroke issue not just caregivers but what our loved ones may be going through.

I think with your sister taking your granddaughter in you can still make sure she is in a more stable environment and still care for the man of your dreams. But this is just my opinion and you need to do what is best for your family and your life

GOOD LUCK

Dyan

My 2 cents :

- As a stroke survivor, my daughter moved in with her dad when she was 15, and even though I loved her very much, my stress level decreased significantly. Stress for anyone isn't good; stress for a stroke survivor could be lethal.

- Who is legally responsible for her?

- I think she most definitely needs stability; being moved around can't be good.

- Are you able to speak to her teachers, or guidance counselor? There must be child advocates who work for the state. Maybe there are some programs that she and your sister qualify for.

- Does she do anything artistic? Would she benefit from volunteering at an animal shelter? I bet she needs to feel worthwhile, and by doing something she enjoys, and keeping busy, maybe it can help.

Please remember that she'll most likely rebel regardless of what you do, and that once she's legally an adult, or maybe even before that - she'll be out on her own. Mike's staying put.

I wish for you guys the best,

Susan

I feel the need to clarify something in my earlier post. My boys are not young children. They are 21 and 18. The oldest is staying with us to save money for college. He has a job that he works at 32 hours a week. The young one is still in high school and has been a real troublemaker. He was supposed to graduate last spring but didn't because he has failed so many classes. He has broken many things in our house during anger outbursts, stolen from us, and lied to us on many occasions and we even had to have him arrested one time not too long ago. I am a firm believer in tough love but my husband does not have the heart to follow through with it; hence the arguments. I just didn't want anyone to misunderstand my previous post, thinking that my kids were small.

Dyan, I am sure it is hard for you to say no to the two babies but it is definitely the right thing for you. Taking time away from Cayden to care for two other children would surely be heart wretching for you to do and Cayden is and should be your main priority. It is good to hear he is making such progress in his therapy!

Dena

Cat, Bruce and I were lucky in that Bruce was prestroke by 26 years and Britt was born cocaine-addicted, so we had the State on our side, plus my brother and sister-in-law were cosharing guardianship. I will tell you without stroke and with four adults onboard, it was not easy. Your Granddaughter is entering some very tough years. You will have to be ondeck 24/7 and for another eight years. We sent Britt to a private high school, she required a Psychologist. She required attention and we were so fortunate to be able to do it. I personally think that letting your sister give it a shot right now might be a good idea. You can be there to spell off weekends and vacations. My brother and I did that for years, depending on who had custody of Britt at the time. It worked well for us. Just some thoughts, Debbie

Cat- Try looking at it this way: Your sister is someone you trust, respect, and she is responsible, right? So you placed your grandaughter with someone who is trustworthy, responsiblle, and respectible? How can that be a bad thing?Plus, this child is probably gonna need all the love and support she can get. You can still call her, go and see her, take her for outings, and just be there for her, riiight? i think it sounds liikee you've done the best you couuld with a difficult situation. BECKY

Thanks everybody. Fred just to clarify, Mike and I are engaged to be married next April and we do live together already. The reason I mentioned that we are friends of FB was because I cannot express feelings like this on that site because he will see them.

I think my sister is the perfect person to take her in at the moment. She raised 3 very well rounded now adults. She loves the thought of having someone else to share her time with as she is not into the dating scene. She has already planned to take her on any vacations she may take in the next few years including a trip to China in a couple of years. I think she will be just fine. I feel much better now.

Have a great night everybody!!

Cat

Cat, there is one thing that you are not understanding. It is more than he doesn't want another child as he is done with his. Bob loves children, BUT, since his stroke can not stand to be around them. It wasn't just that. It was about the sound. All sound is magnified and sounds like a dis-array of different noises bombarding the brain. Bob would love to see our nephews young children, but really just can't survive the stress. Just imagine someone blowing a whistle into your ears and clanging a cymbal every few seconds.

Thanks Cat, I read it wrong after going back and reading it several times and it's hard for me to read anything if it's too many lines "I get lost easily reading!! I thought so when I saw a first pic of you two in another post!! I just hope it all works out for you cause you been through so much already like I have!!

i have blogged about dan and his grandchildren--- he does love them but just cant tolerate them for long.. mike is being proactive and knows kids will get in the way of recovery and your relationship..

I know what you mean Sandy about the noise. We went to a dinner at my Moms house about a week ago and everything went well until the kids, about 8 of them, decided to play on the porch right where Mike was sitting. He was ok for about 10 min. then he wanted to go sit in the truck for the remainder of the visit! I knew what the problem was so I told everybody we were going home. After we left he said he just couldn't take the noise of the kids anymore.

I know he cannot tolerate a child in the house 24/7 its just that I don't want my grandaughter to feel like I have abandoned her. I pray that she understands, she says she does, and she does seem happy with her aunt who has been dotting on her the last few days. LOL! Makes my heart feel better knowing someone is making her feel loved.

Cat

Yes Nancy you are right about being proactive. He knows this would only cause issues with his recovery and our relationship. I just have to remind myself that Ashley will grow up one day and have a life of her own and she will be gone. Good Lord willing Mike will be with me for the rest of my life. That is something that I had to realise in this decision.

Cat

Cat, You said the grand daughter did not ask to be born. True enough. But Mike did not ask to have a stroke either. As a stroke survivor myself I can tell you having a child around all the time would be the end of my marriage. A few hours and that is it now days.Life is not fair for sure. It sounds like to me you are trying to be all things to everyone. I would suggest letting a few things go and focus on what is really important to you. My wife Lesley is guilty of the same thing, she is gradually weaning herself off that. Let the adults, children or not, in your life deal with their own messes. It is the only way they will ever learn. Mike needs you now. If he is the love of your life now is a good time to prove it.

cat your grandaughter will know you love and care for her as you will reinforce that in her everytime you see her and do things with her...she will enter that tough age where she will pull - the nobody loves me game..... but your a mother you already know the game... so by example so to speak you will show her your love and concern by being there..nancyl

George, I do love Mike with all my heart! He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I know from years of being in a bad marriage that is true. I will stand by his side for the rest of our lives. I just can't imagine life without him. As I said before Ashley will grow up and be on her own and if I leave Mike to raise her where will I be then. Guess I should have never even considered that idea in the first place. Guess it was just my heart hurting for my grandaughter at the time.

Thanks to you all for helping me realise where I need to be and reassuring me that I am doing the right thing. I have done so many stupid things in my past that I wanted to make sure this was the right one this time! God Bless you all and as I have said before thank God for this site. It has been a blessing.

Cat

Cat, Don't beat up on yourself for thinking of possible options. Using this forum as a sounding board is on of the many great things this forum is good for. Sounds like you have talked it out with yourself and have come to a decision. Blessings on you and Mike!

Thank you George!

Cat