Why do I even try
This entry is not about my hand or my therapy, it is about my emotions. I try to be as positive as I can on here since a couple years back when I vowed to only make positive entries. but I need help. I usually write my depressing thoughts in my notebook but I feel like I reached my breaking point. When I first moved here back in August I attributed the depression to stress from the internship plus classes. I had met a nice guy and he always helped me feel better and motivated me. After quitting the internship and quitting school, I felt better but that guy is no longer in my life. Another guy came in and soon it was him making me feel good and promising to help me out when I needed it, but now he too is no longer in my life. So it is hard very hard because the only 2 people I thought I could trust, the only 2 friends I thought I had have both been ignoring me for a couple of months now. My cousin and sorority sister work full time so I cant just call them when I am sad. and it hurts. I feel so alone and I dont know how to control my emotions. When I started having thoughts of suicide again I tried to contact a psychotherapist but she does not accept insurance and I am already barely getting by living pay check to pay check as it is. My medicaid got cut off because I had too much money in the bank so I could not afford to go to the doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist.
I just feel like I am not normal. I don't just feel sad sometimes or get frustrated when something bad happens. I break down and want to die every time I feel like I made a mistake or when I am having a bad day. I try everything. I've been reading self help books, looking for another job so I wont be broke all the time. Like one day I wrote in my journal all of these goals and plans I wanted to accomplish. I was really trying hard to not get depressed. Then while walking home I tripped on something on the sidewalk and fell on my left side. A stranger had to lift me off the ground because I just didnt feel like getting back up. I managed to walk all the way back home but my positivity went out the window.
I dont want to be depressed. Nobody wants to walk around sad but I cant help it. Some days I just dont want to get out of bed and face the world. Sometimes I just want to quit my job. Not because physically I cant do the work but because emotionally I just feel drained. I dont want to be around all the people and put on the fake smile after Ive been crying my eyes in bed all day by myself in my 1 bedroom apartment. I have been searching everywhere for an answer. Studying different religions, reading books, making goals, I even joined a Anxiety & Depression support group. But when I went out to eat with them on Friday I had an anxiety attack on the way there trying to drive in 5:00 traffic feeling like I was going to get in another accident, then I had to spend my last few dollars to buy food and socialize with them.
Sometimes I just feel like going back home when my lease is up. I cant take the stress of life. I wrote my own eulogy in elementary school and used to keep a steak knife under my pillow so I cant even blame my stroke for the depression but Im sure the brain damage made it worse. I just feel like Iif I cant die and God wont kill me why wont he let me be happy without making me go through so much. College and graduation were the happiest years of my life. I didnt have to force myself to be happy