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Why do I even try


CagedBird

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This entry is not about my hand or my therapy, it is about my emotions. I try to be as positive as I can on here since a couple years back when I vowed to only make positive entries. but I need help. I usually write my depressing thoughts in my notebook but I feel like I reached my breaking point. When I first moved here back in August I attributed the depression to stress from the internship plus classes. I had met a nice guy and he always helped me feel better and motivated me. After quitting the internship and quitting school, I felt better but that guy is no longer in my life. Another guy came in and soon it was him making me feel good and promising to help me out when I needed it, but now he too is no longer in my life. So it is hard very hard because the only 2 people I thought I could trust, the only 2 friends I thought I had have both been ignoring me for a couple of months now. My cousin and sorority sister work full time so I cant just call them when I am sad. and it hurts. I feel so alone and I dont know how to control my emotions. When I started having thoughts of suicide again I tried to contact a psychotherapist but she does not accept insurance and I am already barely getting by living pay check to pay check as it is. My medicaid got cut off because I had too much money in the bank so I could not afford to go to the doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist.

 

I just feel like I am not normal. I don't just feel sad sometimes or get frustrated when something bad happens. I break down and want to die every time I feel like I made a mistake or when I am having a bad day. I try everything. I've been reading self help books, looking for another job so I wont be broke all the time. Like one day I wrote in my journal all of these goals and plans I wanted to accomplish. I was really trying hard to not get depressed. Then while walking home I tripped on something on the sidewalk and fell on my left side. A stranger had to lift me off the ground because I just didnt feel like getting back up. I managed to walk all the way back home but my positivity went out the window.

 

I dont want to be depressed. Nobody wants to walk around sad but I cant help it. Some days I just dont want to get out of bed and face the world. Sometimes I just want to quit my job. Not because physically I cant do the work but because emotionally I just feel drained. I dont want to be around all the people and put on the fake smile after Ive been crying my eyes in bed all day by myself in my 1 bedroom apartment. I have been searching everywhere for an answer. Studying different religions, reading books, making goals, I even joined a Anxiety & Depression support group. But when I went out to eat with them on Friday I had an anxiety attack on the way there trying to drive in 5:00 traffic feeling like I was going to get in another accident, then I had to spend my last few dollars to buy food and socialize with them.

 

Sometimes I just feel like going back home when my lease is up. I cant take the stress of life. I wrote my own eulogy in elementary school and used to keep a steak knife under my pillow so I cant even blame my stroke for the depression but Im sure the brain damage made it worse. I just feel like Iif I cant die and God wont kill me why wont he let me be happy without making me go through so much. College and graduation were the happiest years of my life. I didnt have to force myself to be happy

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Oh honey , I wish I could reach out and hug you..... Now if you would take a moment .... I don't know you have read my blogs but think about your depression and dans... Look where it has led us... Please make sure you are getting help and guidance .... You are doing wonderful and emotionally the stroke slowed your progress so boys and gals ... Friends in general can be good and bad... In my life I have few I can absolutely trust and so few who have actually stuck it out... And it changes a lot... Friends cycle in and out , that is what people do.... Colleen wrote how former friends leave and then someone else a total unexpected person " gets it" so look for that friend in a unexpected place... And you put a lot of work getting out and on your own...throwing in the towel now , will be a real turning place in your life... Think long and hard honey... This is a life decision... But it is yours

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Katrina, do you have all-age friends or just people your own age? Since my Ray's death one person who makes sure I am okay and saves me a seat for morning tea after church is a charming 96, that is 31 years older than me. Her life experiences are different to mine but she is always there when I am sad and often cheers me up. I think if you look around you will find people wanting to be friends and though they might not be your age they can still be on your wavelength like people are here.

 

My cure for sad times has always been work, I am not the sort to take to my bed. I know I have not had a stroke so I cannot say what you are going through is similar to anything I have been through. I just want to say: you are loved.

 

Sue.

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Katrina,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so hopeless. If psychological treatment is something you want, every county has mental health clinics that operate on a sliding fee scale. More often than not, there is no charge at all. I've utilized their services for years. Another good point about them is that they can help you with so many other things not just depression...including helping you to get meds or transportation. Because they're funded by the State in which you live they can work for you by knowing of other services that you may not know about or not know you qualify for.

 

Depression is not the same as the blues and is not a character flaw or negative attitude. It requires treatment just like any other brain disorder. Call your local health department for contact info on your mental health clinic or ask as your social services office.

 

Jamie

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Katrina, I am a very emotional person - cry easy - envy positive people -- I can pretend to the outside world that I'm positive - all the time dying inside

and I've only been dealing with this paralysis & disability stuff for 10 years since 50 - not all my growing up years like you

You have done & accomplished many things - little consolation for the struggles you face daily.

 

I strongly believe the nasty thoughts & feelings inside only gain strength & power the longer we keep them inside in the dark. you need to bring them into the light to weaken & kill them - talk about them-- that is what we are here for REMEMBER WE UNDERSTAND & CARE -- DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR VENTING sadness , frustration, despair & you inner feelings on a blog - WE WANT THE BEST FOR YOU & getting those black thots out into the light to take away your power is the best for you.I only have 2 people I talk to about stroke related unhappieness - that care to listen - my lifelong friend & my sister they don't understand but will tolerate it

I have a good acquaintance when I voice frustration: slowness & confusion in my bookkeeping (you are doing so well fatigue & having to waste time napping ( never lie down for a nap just can't take one.

 

 

Katrina - the outside world just can't understand or care - they see us managing on the outside & have no idea or care about the struggle inside- sometimes we can be so lonely for approval, acceptane,cto matter - we will take any crumb thrown to us & manifest it into what we want it to be.

 

We are as worth as anyone out there it is us that doesn't feel it.

 

Katrina , I am 61 years old & have daughters your age.

 

it is depressing in itself to try to be what you aren't for others - I suspect you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself trying to have a facade of positiveness for others that's asking a lot of yourself if you don't really feel positive don't worry you can't change that just try to not dwell on the negative/ bitter feeling& be careful with whom you share the negative EXCEPT US of course we would like to fix i t& can't we know you are young, for most of us we have had enough life experiences to handle some of the rejection with a do they even matter who cares attitude.

kimmie Anderson uses an amazing simple but true signature worth listening to "be who you are . say what you feel - those that mind don't matter & those that matter don't mind from Dr Seuss he is so right - it is easier to develop that atitude with age.

 

AFTER ALL THE BABBLING - KATRINA - I WANT TO REITERATE THAT YOU TALK TO US & VENT -- IT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST- then maybe you can deal with every day people with less frustration. think of it as a tool/ coping skill in this mess.

 

 

 

 

with great fondness, respect & care from Susan in Alberta

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Katrina, my dear fellow survivor and friend for many years now I wish it was something I could say, do, or tell you that could restart you out on a more positive view of yourself and others like the two guys you knew as friends perhaps on short term bases. People will be themselves more often than not and sometimes that's good other times it is not too good. Try and pull yourself together and think on how far you have come among others just like you and still some not so good shape as you. You have a lot of living ahead of you slow down and live your young life to the fullest!!

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Hi Katrina. I am so sorry you feel so depressed. Jamie gave you good suggestions on how to find help for that. One thing caught my eye in your post. You said the hsppiest time for you were your college years. Think about that time and figure out what it was that made you happy then, try to do that again. Maybe you were so busy then, you didn`t have time to feel sad. As for the 2 relationships you had. Its their loss. You are better off. There is a saying in french, roughly translated means you are better off alone than being with someone totally unsuited for you. And something else I learned during those 20 years after my divorce. You don`t need anyone to make you happy. Happiness starts with you. and its contageous. Do something nice for yourself even if its just a long soak in bubblebath with candles. You are so young. You have your whole life in front of you. Please get help and do come often here to vent. We are here for you. Feel better my friend.

 

mc

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Hi Katrina.

 

I know we were able to speak a little bit last night, the only person that you should have in your life that controls your feelings should be you. I understand living paycheck to paycheck is hard. My best friend is the single mother of two boys, and she does all of the financial stability by herself. And you're right it's not easy she struggles every single day. Like you she is a very intelligent woman and I know she has gone through some of the same struggles.

 

You can't let the availability of your two friends dictate your happiness. We all get depressed every now and then, I myself am going through a spell at this time.

 

I understand for you it's hard because unlike some the people that were on chat last night, you don't have a significant other to share the burden. That doesn't mean that we don't understand. If we ever have a chance to talk can I'm going to let you know that you are not alone and maybe we can work together on our depression. You are the most positive person I know and a very wise woman, so I know that you make the right decisions.

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Katrina :

 

 

what I see in this blog & underneath reason for your unhappiness is that you are looking outside world to bring happiness in your life. No outside world or person can complete you or make you happy. you need to find happiness within you, I learnt same lesson hard way since for me if hubby like to do what I like to do then I will be happier, it took stroke & this disability to realize I am responsible for my own happiness, my actions. I learnt that I better watch my thoughts, it has power to bring me down with sadness or make me happy. so please watch your thoughts that's the only control you have in life. For me reading good books like "when bad things happen to good people" and similar books helps me see beyond my grief. Also maybe you should start volunteering, it will help you look beyond just your problems. all humans on this earth school are fighting their own battles. we all have our crosses to bear & god does not gives you more than you can handle. there is story in bible where person is complaining to god about his difficulties & cross he is carrying, god tells him go in that room & pick whichever cross you feel belongs to you. person goes into room & after looking at all crosses he picks up one cross & it turns out to be his own cross. I m not saying this story correctly, but idea is that basically we all carry some kind of burden cross in life & God does provide help to carry them. I also feel you need ti accept that *beep* happened to you, you have fallen but now have to make best lemonade out of this situation.

 

Asha

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