My daughter and I had planned on going to see mom today and have lunch with her. I made up some little sandwiches of tuna salad and egg salad on pumpernickel cocktail bread and Amanda brought chips. Plus we had yogurt, pudding and reese cups. While I was getting ready to go my brother called. I had not talked with him yesterday. He had seen the oncologist yesterday. He is still having trouble with his left arm and leg. They did start him on a steroid, hoping that may help some. He is not going to start the chemo pill they had talked about. He asked the dr. if he did take the pill, how much more time would that give him. Only 2 months. So they started the process of getting help from hospice, hospital bed, all that. It has been 5 yrs. After I got off the phone, I cried for awhile and then pulled myself together. For the rest of the day I've had a stomach-ache and just feel kinda sick.
I went to the home and my daughter came, we ate. We really had a good time. Mom was in a good mood and she even joked around with Amanda. I just feel like I am being pulled right down to the ground, though. You know that real heavy feeling inside. I have been trying to prepare myself for this day, grieving before the actual day of grieving, so I didn't think I would feel this sad. But I do. This is the time to put my money where my mouth is and lean completely on the grace of God to get all of us through this.
So on we go, right? It is what is is.