It could be worse
I heard the birds chirping. so many of them it was like they were echoing waking me up. As I lay on my stomach in my bed I felt my body shaking. My head was being pushed to the side. Here we go again. I felt a lump in my throat so I decided to roll over to my right side only to discover my head felt so heavy. I moved my legs to generate heat under the cover and removed the splint from my left arm. My heart was racing, my body felt chills, but the shaking and nausea stopped. I rolled over to my left side to take the pressure off my head and lay there trying not to fall back asleep afraid that it might happen again.
This is what happened to me yesterday morning. It was not sleep paralysis because I could move and open my eyes. It was not night terrors because I was not visualizing someone trying to harm me. Was it a seizure? I dont know. Could it be that I have been having seizures and also have parasomnia? I dont know. I was pretty upset. I began to think to myself why? Why is God doing this to me? I finally got everything I wanted and he brings back the one and only thing I was supposed to be healed from--seizures.
So last night I did something I had not done in years. I prayed for no seizures and I sent up thanks for all the things I had. I am happy to say I woke up feeling wonderful. I slept great. I slept through the whole night. I even kept my splint on all night. I dont think God is torturing me on purpose. but all this bad stuff happening made me realize how good things were. I guess I got so complacent with my life and the depression made it hard for me to be thankful but now that I have experienced worser things, it made me thankful for what I have.
As I straightened my fingers using the e-stim I really took it in. I thought to myself wow my fingers are really moving. I finally have my own e-stim unit. I looked at my splints. I thought to myself wow I remember when I used to wish that I had something to keep my wrist straight. Now I have 2 splints and a wrist support and don't even use them like I should. Some days are easier than others. Even when I remind myself of all the things I wanted that I finally have, sometimes its still hard to be happy. But I am thankful that today was a day that I could just focus on the positives and think about how far I've come. I only hope that God will see that I am at least trying to be thankful, and give me more good days.
Thank you all so much. I love you all for your support. I don't know what I would do without you guys. Today I am thankful for you all