Oh, Nancy, i know how it is. I never know how Wm is going to be when He wakes up. I just pray that he will be in a good mood and not confused and honery.

Hang in there. I know it is tough.

Ruth

Nancy, I'm not sure that it is stroke that wins 100% of the time. You know.... just because a person has a stroke does not remove them from the same character flaws and spoilt behaviour that the rest of us would suffer from if others would put up with it. Has it occurred to you to tell him if he is going to act like that, you are not going to bust your *beep* to bring him out again? Are you spoiling him by just assuming he can't help it, instead of maybe it's really he is just getting away with becoming more crabby because you will put up with it? People - stroke or not, can become tyrants if we will take it.

I had a stroke friend who I turned myself inside out for her, and the more I did for her, the more hateful she got. She cursed and carried on when I took her for a fun day of shopping, and screamed, "you don't know how hard it is being stuck in this wheel chair", to which I replied, "you don't know how hard it is to be the one pushing the wheelchair" - and that was my last trip out with her. Just something to think about....

Perhaps I am the exception for male survivors on this site, after reading this blog and replies, I wonder if I am normal?? "I never change attitudes, I'm never angry, My habits stayed the same, My love for my care giver never changed, I'm happy to awake each morning and see another light of day, so maybe my sad day or days will come, I hope not, but for the last 9 years my concern is just living a long time no matter my physical condition so long as I got food to eat and a car to drive plus my scooter to ride!!

Yes Fred i believe you are the exemption to the rule--- but Dan's injury with the left brain stroke makes him so hard to deal with.. even if i reason him in or out of something many times he forgets within moments... and he locks in on a emotion - he forgets the reason he is so angry - he just is... and it takes a lot to "snap" him out of it.. so the reson to be angry is long gone in his memory but the emotion of being angry stays.... am i having fun yet?? doubt i ever will truley have carefree fun again.. the forcast for that isent looking very good....

Nancy :

like Fred I also never had anger issues, I was feeling more guilty for putting my family in this bad rollercoaster ride, I am forever greatful to them that they chose to ride with me. on the contractory stroke made our marriage stronger than before. I wish you lot of luck in dealing with Dan's tantrums, what would he do if you choose to walk away from his life, does he ever think about that?

Asha

oh how i would love for dan to not have these wonderful anger issues-- and believe me i think all the time about just walking away-- but with 4 kids , it would become their problem then , and so it would still be mine... i love him , but liking him sometimes is a big challenge..

I feel so sad that you have to go through this along with all the other issues that stroke has thrown at you. I guess I was blessed in that Mike doesn't have this problem, if anything he has become more tenderhearted. He does have his moments though but they are not as sever as Dan's. I know most of it is because of the stroke but I think he also is using this as a way to channel his anger for what has happened to him. I respect you for the way you handle these outbursts and temper tantrums I don't know that I could do it. Stay strong and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))).

Nancy: Bruce is left brain stroke, right affected and like Asha and Fred, he is mild mannered. He does cry at times with sad stuff, like a movie or death of someone close but I can only think of two occasions in the past 4 years when he has been truly angry and once with the old Bruce stubborn streak where he could not let go of an issue - actually that was a good one in that he was determined to move that right arm. Unfortunately that was way early on and he has not repeated it with that intensity since.

But to Dan. I am praying that with all the fresh air and activity, he was just over tired. No you can not predict what will set him off, but probably if that was the case, it would have happened anyway. Bruce was outside a long time today - very rare as you know - and he was just cooked by dinner time (no nap). He did stay up to his normal time, but went right out.

Neuro told me way early on that Bruce could not be exposed to loud, repetitive noises for long lengths of time. There is nothing I can do about lawn mowers or snow blowers except to make sure all the windows are shut. When any of us vacuum, it is always behind a closed door. But I have found that what bothers Bruce most isn't necessarily loud - like the new microwave. I think it is more pitch. And that is discovered only when it happens. And it won't affect them every time - more good news. Again, with Bruce mostly when he is overtired.

I agree with Colleen - for tonight when he gets up, just business as usual. Dinner out - eat or not, here's your pills. TV and bed. No discussions, no small talk. If need be, you take a glass of wine or cup of tea out onto the steps. Regroup in the AM.

Praying for you. Debbie

Nancy, I think Sandycaregiver might have hit upon something. Enabling behavior is a downward spiral. The more you do, the less it is appreciated, and the more it is expected. Maybe try to find that fine line between doing too much and doing only what is really necessary. Good luck!

Right now I am in a headlock with Ray, we came home from our trip to Georgia an hour or two ago; I was hungry so figured I'd finish off the older provolone cheese I had in the fridge, since I have some other new varieties for the week. I said to him, I know it's my birthday (probably what set me off) but all I want is some wine and cheese since you aren't hungry anyway, I just want to mellow out. He had a fit, for no reason, like if he doesn't eat I shouldn't either. I do burn a LITTLE more energy than he does, especially in NYC etc.

I am forcing him to stay downstairs now, because I'm so angry. I'm not going to hold it in, after a week of making excuses to friends and family for his BS (not that much really, but still I let everyone see how bad he can be). You can't let them get away with this stuff, no matter how sorry you feel for them. He's not a baby. He actually walked all the way up the stairs to get to me, and I made him go all the way back down. Normally I'd be bragging about it. Funny how much he can do when motivated.

Right or left side affected, don't think it matters in his case, He always had a hair trigger temper, it's about time for him to leave it behind, along with all the rest of the good stuff! He's begging me to watch 60 MInutes, so maybe I will. I'm not totally heartless!

sting i knew if ( dan and I were having issues ) you were too LOL.........not that its funny but it is as it always has been.... two far apart peas in a pod....

Bob has left side stroke (right side affected) and has no temper tantrums. He already knows that I am no one to get mad and so does not pull fits on me - he don't want the consequences!

Colleen and Nancy: when Bruce and are at odds, I do exactly what Colleen does - remove myself from the area. In our case, it is usually benign, Bruce just forgets. He does not have tantrums, but I do know what I have had enough and he is not helping and that always is trouble. In our case, it is the opposite - usually me and Bruce trying to figure out what just went wrong. But I will tell you it is just as difficult. Just go easy, best as you can and tomorrow is a new day (so sick of saying that!) Debbie

of course the biggest problem with dan is he will go the disatance and always pulls his trump card immediately... no eat, no drink, no meds.... oh i sure wish he wouldn't.... odd- i worked for years with inmates who frequently tried the food strike.... not one ever went the distance... only my husband has done it... with past blood work they can tell if your body is in actual starvation mode and 20 times dehydrated... so there isent much i can do.. and it is hard, dan never was a tantrumer as his previous self, to see this childish behavior present is very difficult... but the stroke will win.... because even if we use alternative methods to nurish and hydrate him.. past experience tells me dan will just up the bar.. and physically fight with us. he adapts and changes and is unpredictable -- everything a person with brain damage does... and of course not all brain damaged people react like this-- the brain is to individualized to know what anyones paticular outcome may be... i mean theoretically dan -- dan ( like many others) isent supposed to be here.. so he can breathe, swallow, walk ( with lots of assistance)-- talk ( in aphasia) , --- but there are trade offs -- lots and lots of trade offs.... it is what it is ... and i am at the point of acceptance that," this is as good as it gets" -- it is a labor intensive, emotional roller coaster.. with few rewards... things just are not as fun as they used to be-- but we are alive and have a roof over our head and food in our stomach ( well i do) - LOL.... and friends both here and on the internet.. so i will continue to plod along like a good draft horse ( the stroke created many slaves)... one foot in front of the other..... smiles--- Nancy

when does he get the peg tube put back in? If he is recovered enough for it, his doc needs to know he is at it again and do it right away, so he does not go into deep problems again.

we have an appt next tuesday to taLK TO THE DOC..ABOUT THE PEG TUBE AND A PORT..... it is giving dan the "will or desire to live" that weighs heavy on my mind...