Jhari's Blog

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Up and Down (as usual)


Jhari

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Since my last post, I have gotten alot accomplished. I picked up the money from the lawyer on the 14th and deposited it the next day. After talking with the caseworker, I learned I had 10 days to spend the money down. So I got the cemetery plot mystery figured out and made an appt. with the guy that sells headstones. My husband and I went to look at them last Monday night and picked one out and payed for it. The next day I went shopping and bought mom lots of new clothes, pillows, jewelry, comforters, whatever I could think of she would need or want. I payed off her nursing home bill and the remainder of money I added to the burial fund. Spend down completed. Last Thursday I faxed all of the receipts to the caseworker. Whew!!! So glad at least that part of it is done.

 

Last week was a bad week with mom. She was in a bad mood. One day the kids and I went and took her to the tastee-freez, She was ok until we got back, she did not want to get out of the van. She cried and called me a liar, told me she hated me. When we left she wouldn't even look at me. She said, "Shame on you". ON days like those, I am totally exhausted and heartbroken.

 

Therapy has picked her up again, due to the fact that she spills drinks frequently at meals. Her depth perception has really been affected. Yesterday when the girls and I got there, they were trying to get her to go to therapy, which was not easy. So the girls got her to go and were bouncing a ball back and forth with her. But then she started crying and asking me to get her out. So we went to her room. She started being mean to me again . I told her I realized that she was mad and I didn't blame her, but it wasn't my fault and if she kept treating me like that, I was going to leave. Her attitude changed right away. We all went on the porch and the rest of the visit was ok. Today we went again, not knowing what to expect, but her mood was good. We sat on the porch. Shelby and I went to the tastee freeze to get milkshakes for all of us and Anna stayed on the porch with gramma Jane. I know mom gets so frustrated because people do not listen to her. Today she was saying so many whole sentences that actually made sense. I don't blame her for being angry, but when she gets like that with me, especially when I'm tired, which I guess it most of the time, I can't handle it. I just wanna cry.

 

So, as usual. it's up and down, which is the norm. I told one of the nurses today, that you'd think by now I would realize it's up and down, but I keep hoping that someday it will be back to the way it was.

I am missing my brother so much, I still get home and think, I need to call my brother and then realize that's not an option anymore. I'm just taking it one day at a time, so very much to be thankful for, and trusting that God will heal my aching heart.

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I know what you mean. We know "its" coming ( the mood change) but we are so suprised and scared when it hits.....we just never know- even when we know...

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Life for any of us is all ups and downs usually on a daily basis that is for me. Then I say to myself "It could be lots worse" so I won't complain! So I know too well what you mean!

 

It must feel like your whole life has changed in caring for your mom but one day it could be our kids caring for us the same way! Life has no set patterns to follow and we can't predict what we'll face farther down the road. I sure never envisioned a stroke!

 

Cry if you must, God knows the situations and will show you the way! God knows you are doing all you can to make and keep her as comfortable as you can. Our times are coming to get and feel much older! My prayers are still coming your way daily.

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Joni, funny - we too had difficulties last week. Part of me chalked it up to the full moon and the summer solstice. But mostly I know I get lured in - things go so smoothly for days or even weeks, at this point, I drop my guard and WHAM right upside the head!

 

And I know it is overtired, confused (we had a crazy week - totally off schedule), me overtired or overstressed. And that is just life. Usually it is me going off - something not done, promises not kept, not paying attention to his recovery himself. But that said, it still hurts after all this time. With Bruce, I know it is depression. All this work and so little to show for it, he gives up.

 

You are still grieving your brother, Mom's stroke, dealing with her household, your own, your job. You are vunerable right now. As Fred advised, cry and get it out. Tomorrow you pick up and move forward again. Prayers and thoughts. Debbie

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