new focus - on my life-yes, MY life
well i give my all, to dan and will continue to...... but i am trying to focus on LIVING - myself.... Dan continues to dwell in his own misery and depression. and we have and will continue to address those needs.. I would give anything to have MY DAN... and for a stolen moment at a time i see him... but he almost intentionally ( wonderful stroke) remains locked in his unhappy world.. i surly wish i could pull him out of his pit of dispair. But as we all know stroke or no stroke only the person with the problem can make the decision to at least make the attempt to get better. And with dans cognitive affection it may or not be in his power to make the decision - i just dont know- but i do know I can not force him to be happy. I can and do support him and do my very best, of that i am confident.
But other parts of my life need attention- My Weston needs his grandma. He would be fine with out me ( many grand children are) but I need to be that grandma, just as my children had that grandma. Some people choose not to be that grandma and i make no judgement - but for me it is important...
So when i get up in the morning i take- TAG our dog and go and get Weston and we go for a walk.. But we are working on training TAG to pull Weston in a bike carrier ( the kind you pull behind) . And i must say it is going well. Very cool... I am spending more time with him. We are working on keeping tag in the yard and not running - away on us.. unfortunately this is taking a electronic collar do accomplish... but maybe someday??
I actually remembered my daughters birthday and bought a well though out gift ( a rechargable vacuum) for the cabin.
I have been able to talk with my girlfriend ( you know one of those few who matter) . Her daughter had a baby boy - who has suffered severe brain damage during birth.. and decisions are being made. I am just supporting her with whatever i can. and she is supporting her devastated daughter. More sadness, but as we all know there are many aspects to life - not all pleasant. But life is about learning, and preparing for our next life.
We have a 79 ford pick up completely redone.. but it just sits.. so i called dans cousin ( the one and only person dan enjoyed and respected, and yes has has checked up on dan) - they both shared a intrest in older cars and Pat his cousin fixed up a old 50 something Belaire - put a lot of money into it and it is beautiful. he has stopped and given dan a ride.. and came and showed it to dan when he completed that project ( about 5 yrs in the making) so dan was into it pre stroke. nice genuine person.. anyhow i called him and asked him if he would like dans pickup - and he does.. we discussed what to do , basically i will sign it over to him and he can do as he pleases with it.. he has a son who will be thrilled, then as time goes on it may make its ay back into our immediate family... but when i give up or gift something it is forever. So if it never happens i will be OK... And the prestroke Dan would be absolutely OK with this arrangement.. Pat will appreciate it and enjoy it.. and he is a mechanic so he will take care of it... the only other option is to let it rot.. since i fixed it last summer ( overhauled the engine) it has been driven 5 times in one year - wont take long and the thing will just cost again... so one more issue looming.... my kids do not need the pick up , except robert. But robert has no where to put it, and it will just be a burden to him financially ( he is good with cars but a 79 ford although simple for old timers mechanics can be difficult for novices) . and i have helped robert out financially enough that , in the interest of fairness to the other kids enough is enough...
Then we have a willys jeep ( circa late 50's) has not been running for about 5-6 yrs... I have a former co worker who is always doing projects - so i offered it to him for a lot less than its value... reason, the guy will fix it up , take care of it, enjoy it and will give dan a ride in it when it has been completed.... no emotional attachement to it , just the desire to see it when its done.. so another issue solved.
Now the issue of our home - i have looked at a fabulous home.. wow.. but i just didnt feel it when i looked at it... there is a regular ranch home ( brand new) a block from aprils.. would require some modifications , but doable for our family.... But then there is my dream - to help others , but my daughter April has said something that stuck with me... Dan and his depression has the power to ruin or hinder another persons outlook and rehab.. and as much as i wish that was not true, it is... I think Collen and Ray got a taste of Dans very special ability to gloom an entire household... so for now at least i guess untill we can be a inspiration to others - we should not be a hinderance... my dream is not dead just delayed i hope... so my options buy a great big home not close to april, but not a big issue as it is on the way out to my SIL farm... buy a house 1 block from them , and do some modifications on a brand new home, or build a new home close to them with the idea of building on should my dream come to fruition .... those decisions are tabled for a bit, as i ponder...
Dan is under the weather again - not sure with what, he sounds froggy and did not feel like getting up today - he is constipated one of our many nemesis.. i will need to do a enema tomorrow if the meds dont work ... his stomach is working he passes gas , but i sure wish that issue would improve... i mean who feels good when they are all "bound up"...
Rocky our cat returned home tonight - he must have holed up somewhere during the fireworks as i havent seen him in about 3-4 days...
My patio deck even looks good -- in my own style .. i am sure the gorilla is grunting but hey he can kiss my a--.... well people thats my little entry for now ... nancyl
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