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Need to tell someone


catbeleu

1,763 views

Hello everyone, I just need to talk to someone about my Dad. Can't do it on facebook, too many family members on there and don't want to worry them with my thoughts. My Dad is not doing very well and is on home hospice. Went to family dinner yesterday, had to help with bedpan, got so discouraged. My oldest sister is his main caregiver and she keeps me informed for the most part but actually seeing with my own eyes sure does turn on the light bulb in my brain. He is 78, has had a long good life. He was a giant of a man in his younger days, 6'2" weighing in at 250lbs, today his weight is about 175 and looks much shorter for some reason. He can't get out of bed anymore, this is causing bed sores, Can't feed himself, nothing but laying there watching tv and sleeping. He use to talk us to death now he barley speaks. I just get so upset. My Mom talks as if he has the flu or something and will be better soon. Is it wrong for me to just wish that God would call him home soon? I can't stand to be in the room with him more than 5-10 minutes at a time but I know he wishes I would stay longer. Like I said, just using this forum to write the things going on in my brain. Thanks for listening.

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Cat, so sorry to hear about your dad's health deteriorating. Many of us have been there, and, are there now, seeing loved ones who were so strong, now weak.

 

All you can do is be there for him, support your sister in his care, and pray.

 

My prayers go out to you and your family.

 

Julie

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Thanks for getting it out, now you feel a bit better because it is so hard to hold your true feelings in you just got to tell somebody! That shows me you care about your dad and his condition. My mom was in that shape before she passed and it was so hard on me being her last born child.

 

When you love your parent you can't help it I'm 72 and one day I could be in the same condition with only my wife that will care for me!

 

Well he will not go before his time of God's call. We all got our times of His name callings for us!

 

I'm so glad you could get this off your chest and post it here!

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Hmmm - your dad is sorta a mirror in "hyper mode" for what mike has / is going through... Mike will and is getting better day by day... and you know that... dad is not going to get better , and you know that as well...... so watching dad , is just simply more than you can handle ... that simple... and it is hard.... BUT for your sake YOU MUST overcome this and spend as much time as possible with dad... dad can will forgive your absence , but you will not forgive yourself... and your reason is a s good as they get believe me... but for your future mental status DO IT-- you will dwell on the past way to much if you dont move through this part of dads life with him... my thoughts -- respect...and understanding how difficult "this is" and no - you wanting your dad to "move on" is not out of place.. he is suffering , and no one wants to see that.... my mom passed so quick , as did my dad - i would have loved to "known" they were gonna go.. but not at this tradeoff... so as with all things in life ying and yang.. one just tries to make all a loving exchange with family and never leave "it" unsaid .. the ILOVE YOU-- of life... because my mom and us kids all kinda had that exchange with her we all are at peace with her death so quick... we miss her, but thankful we always left our conversations on a happy note of i love you... and no lingering... so your wish for your dad certainly right.. just do the best you can.. all your feelings are normal, and you are such a good person, thats "why " it hurts so much..

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I agree so much with Nancy. The time he has left is the time he needs to feel your love and you can never go back later, and give it to him. That will be too much to take, later. Think of what you would want if you were on your last days, what you would long to see and hear, and give it to him now.

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PS - I left off half my message! I do understand how you are wincing inside. We all wince. I winced when I saw the way my dad looked at me his last day, and wondered why he looked so pained when he looked at me - he knew it was the last time he would look at me. I winced when I saw Bob in the hosp/rehab after stroke - the idea of how far down the hatch he was, was terrifying. Every time my mom has another high blood pressure / heart event, my stomach goes right out the window it scares me so bad. It's always been so, we care about people and so it hurts us deep inside. But it is that care, that has to mandate what we do next. You can do it Cat! And you will be glad you did, when it is over.

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Yes. it is hard to sit with them and see the deterioration but somewhere inside of them that former person is there, just as it is in us. I used to talk to Mum as if she was still that person. It was hard over the years but I like to think the time I spent with her was as special to her as it was to me. Be there for him all you can. Love him for who he is now and always was.

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Cat :

 

I exactly understand where you are coming from & still feel guilt of not doing right thing with my dad. please listen to all wonderful suggestions you got wish I had all these friends back in my time of need. do the right thing so when you look back in your life you won't have that guilt gnawing your heart.

 

you are in my prayers. loved sue's thoughts.

 

Asha

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Cat: you will regret not spending time with him. Please try to get past the physical state and the memories. Make the best of right now. Your sister needs your help. You know how taxing caregiving is and just support your Mom as best you can.

 

Know I am praying for all of you. Debbie

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Cat it is the same reason friends and family don't come by to see Mike like they should - they don't want to see it. Think about how that makes you both feel.

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Cat, I know how you feel. I watched my hubby waste away from a strapping construction worker to looking like he had be in a concentration camp. Talking is hard when it's a monologue and hiding your feelings is really rough. It can't help trying to explain or make excuses for your mother to hear, either. It's good you felt you could vent here...we do understand.

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my father had a couple of strokes and also congestive heart failure. the last time I visited him and my mother we went out to eat and as dad was in a wheel chair someone had to go with him to the bathroom. since mom did it all the time it was up to me and I was very uncomfortable in the situation and probably tacitly expressed my discomfort. I went back home and dad died 2 weeks later and it has been more than 10 years since that visit but I wish I could do it again. maybe there's not so much guilt but the recognition that I could/should have been better and you know there is no next time! its gone.

so cat, I can't give you any advise but did want to tell you my story.

 

as Gabriel Garcia marquez said in "100 years of solitude", we don't die when we should we die when we can.

 

david

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Cat, so please that you got it off your chest. Thank goodness for strokenet!

It is hard to see your Parent acting like a child.

 

When I went to see my Parents, my Mum, I knew something was wrong, got her to the doctor, she has Alzheimers. It is hard for me to be here, and she is in England with my sisters. I make sure I was with her everyday, drinking tea, and eating tea cakes, and listening to her stories over and over. You need those memorys.

 

You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

God bless to the whole family

 

Yvonne

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Hi Cat

Prayers for you and your family. It is so hard to see our loved ones lke that. Try your best to help out so that you have no regrets.

Your sister really needs you now more then ever

Take care

Sally

 

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Guest hostwill

Posted

Cat, I can't add anymore to what others have already said, other then, Your thoughts are normal, especially if he is suffering and doesn't have quality of life. I'll keep you in my prayers.

-Will

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