How could I possibly feel sad? I havent had any seizures or nightmares in my sleep. I get out and drive to visit family and friends everyday. I dont have to worry about working 40 hours a week just for all of my money to go to bills. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, whenever I want.

But Im still sad. When Im not hanging out with family and friends, I am just sitting in my room. All of my friends work during the day so I have no one to talk to. When Im too tired to go anywhere and have exercised, I get so bored staring at my laptop screen until the battery dies then watch tv until that gets boring then read a book until I cant focus. My brother moved and my dad works a part time driving job and when he is in town he's always out doing something or working on the yard so it is very lonely being here. I try my best to go out as much as possible but by the time everyone is off work, its dark, traffic is crazy and the depression has lessened.

I just feel so worthless. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, family and friends of family have constantly asked "So what are you doing now that you're back? Do you miss Charlotte? Are you back in school?" I remember my last day at work when I was holding my sadness in the whole day. Then my co-worker asked me what I was going to do when I got back home. "Nothing" I replied trying to swallow the lump in my throat. Are you going to work? No. Going back to school? No. Well what are you going to do?" "Nothing." was my final reply as I buried my head in my arms on the table and cried like a baby.

I know they dont mean any harm. My co-worker did not even know I was quitting so Im sure she was not aware of my medical situation. But here back home my dad must have told everyone I wanted to come back home. He told them I needed a break and was tired of working. It is hard to explain to everyone that:

I had seizures. No one could understand why. I got hit by a car. My work performance dropped. I got my medication increased and new medications that made me dizzy and tired. After having a seizure at work I started having more anxiety attacks that I would have another. I was scared to take the bus after getting hit as a pedestrian but scared to drive everywhere not knowing when the seizures would occur. It wasnt safe for me to continue living by myself with the seizures since I would fall off my bed in my sleep and could fall just walking around at any time and have a seizure. My performance was dropping so much at work but I could not quit because then I would have no money to pay bills. So I moved back home.

Yeah I guess it is easier for my dad to just say I got tired and wanted to come home.

It just makes me feel like such a bum. Everyone is working and married with kids and living a normal life. I graduated college with a perfect GPA, got a Army civilian medal of achievement, and got promoted after only 6 months at my first real job but nobody cares. All of my accomplishments feel pointless. Im not doing anything with my life. I try to make plans for the future but even when things were perfect in Charlotte the seizures ruined everything. Its like my cousin with sickle cell. Even though she looks healthy and she wants to accomplish goals, she cant stop her body from getting sick. I just feel like whats the point in me being here. Why did God bring me back here with no plan or purpose? Laying in bed feels like Im just wasting my time when I could be working on something amazing. but what? I dont know what I want to do with my life. I worked so hard interning for the Army's recruitment program for students with disabilities. but all my hard work was for nothing since they are on a hiring freeze.

When Im alone and have no one to talk to, I cant block out these thoughts and I just need something to make me feel happy. I eat sweets, I listen to music, I try to find something funny on tv, any form of entertainment, but sometimes I just cant make the feeling go away. I wish the psychologist would hurry up and schedule my appointment. I feel like I can only feel 2 extremes: 1.) happiness where I feel like Im dreaming and Im having so much fun until I become aware then have to calm myself down because I think Im going to have a seizure or 2.) a heaviness a sadness where I feel like all good things have come to an end and Im just wasting away being here so I might as well die.