It is always hard to write in this blog. Some days I am feeling so low and other days I feel wonderful. Of course it is easier for me to blog when Im depressed because when everyone is at work too busy to listen to me, the blog is always here for me to vent. Then I try to write at times like this when Im feeling normal so the blog becomes crazy long. Sorry!

I wish I could say 2014 had a great start but sadly i can't. It was January 2 I believe when I had another "attack". I was laying in bed as always and started to feel weird. Although I tried to talk to myself to stay calm and insist that I was not going to have a seizure, I really felt like my body would start jerking and I would fall off the bed any minute. I felt immense fear and wanted to cry. My left arm and leg felt like they were jumping but I could not tell because I was under a blanket. I could not stop moving. Every time it happens I feel like Im drugged up or something like I touch my face move my legs. I just do whatever because its such a horrible feeling and I dont know how to make it go away. My vision became blurry and I felt like i was dreaming. my heart started pounding. I started sweating and I felt nauseous. It felt like my eyes were opened really wide so I closed them and continued to lay down until the feeling went away. It lasted maybe a minute total.

Im still waiting on the psychologist to set up my appointment. I have scheduled a trip to the hematologist next Monday to check my blood. Im just curious at to if there is something going on in my body and Im actually having panic attacks because I think they are seizures.

Later that day I had a breakdown. I was out of medicine and my doctor kept giving me the run around and putting me on hold. I had been constipated all week and I was just really not feeling well. I was also pretty sad that I had to experience the "seizure" so soon into the new year. I had an attitude which caused me to get into a fuss with my dad which ended in him scolding me for being such a "hateful" person. and I was frustrated that I could not do my own hair which had not been washed in over a month.

I could not stop crying and wanting to die. I know it was just a bunch of petty things but I just felt so frustrated and wanted everything to go away. I ended up taking 2 norco (the pain pills I got after I got hit by the car.) They made me feel so much better and after my nap, the (psychological) pain was gone. I read a book, made some goals, and felt back to normal. I dont take the pills every day but when I just cant stop thinking about death I take 1 or 2 to help me calm down. They always work.

Other than that I have been enjoying my self. I got a bunch of books from the library to help me find my purpose and maybe start a home business. I love to just get in my car and go. I went to the movies with my cousins on Saturday after finally finding someone to do my hair. Just being out or around family is such a great distraction and makes me appreciate being here and not having to work 40 hours a week just to pay bills and live alone in my 1 bedroom apartment. I also enjoy being able to take my time exercising. I have learned to moved my wrist when turning the door knob and twist my arm a little so my bent finger actually hits the light switch instead of my balled up fist.

I achieved all of my goals in 2013 (my promotion, got in no car accidents, started using my left hand, got my e-stim unit, got a new brace for my hand and leg, etc). My only goal for 2014 is to continue my 2013 goals. The only difference is instead of going for a promotion, I am taking this free time to really figure out what my purpose is and what I want to do as a career. I love the work from home entrepreneur books. They are very motivating.