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No one else to vent to


catbeleu

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I feel so lost, I have to lay my Momma to rest tomorrow and I just can't seem to come to terms with it. My family is all together at my Dad's house but Mike is having issues with me being there for any amount of time! I have only been there for about 3 hours without him except when I had to go to funeral home and help with the arrangements, he didn't want to go. I have no one here to talk to. It snowed and kept us home bound for the last two days and today we went to our usual watering hole for coffee and just to get out but they were closed! I just need more human contact right now but he just don't understand that! He doesn't like large crowds so he won't stay there long when he goes with me but he doesn't want me to go and leave him here alone! WHAT DO I DO? I just feel like busting out in tears all the time now and I have cleaned house, washed clothes, done the dishes till there is nothing left to do to keep my mind off of it! I never wanted to face losing my Mom, like I told Mike, before I met him she was my best friend. I could always pick up the phone and know I would hear a kind loving voice! Now it's gone! I think my brother and sisters are a little *beep* at me because I haven't been there more but I help it! WHAT DO I DO? My mind is so screwed up I can't remember what I am doing, I almost caught a pan on fire last night cooking dinner. I forgot I had put cooking oil in a pan and was waiting for it to get hot, next thing I know it has the whole darn house filed with smoke and about ready to flame up! Just got to get a grip on myself!

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- OK life regret---- you not doing and being part of your moms final resting ( the family visiting and reminiscing and the actual service) have the potential to be a life regret for YOU ... If you go and spend the amount of time with family you want mike will get mad - no doubt , but he will get over it... If you dont spend some family time, then you will come to resent mike ...... My mom was my best friend as well in fact she died (coming to take care of the family when dan had the stroke) .. Yep i miss her, the i gotta call mom and ask her "this " to tell her "that"...you will get through this. It is sad and hard and just heartbreaking... I think of a life passing as a elevator ride. You will meet them on the floor up there. They just get on the elevator first... But words right now are just that "words"...... but honey you are not being selfish , or mean or unloving by wanting to connect with your family during this time, Mike can either come with or stay home, but you need to go... no matter what.. visit and reminisce with family and friends... no regrets.... GO. BIG HUG !!!!!! Nancyl

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Frankly I would give Mike no choice, this is your MOM!!!! He doesn't have a say in it! I wonder if you could find someone to mind him for a couple of hours so you can be alone with your family? I know he doesn't realize how self-centered he is being, I know he doesn't understand family solidarity is important at a time like this, I know he will sulk for a week afterwards but honestly Cindy sometimes we just have to stick to OUR priorities. Marriage is 50/50 and now you need this time for you and your family.

 

I do understand where you are coming from Ray could be exactly the same sometimes. But somehow I found a way to do what I had to do. Is there a more distant male cousin at the funeral who will sit with him? Is there a male neighbour who would come to the funeral with you and sit somewhere quiet with him? Try to think of someone who would do this for you.

 

I was glad in a way that my Mum died after Ray rather than before as I would have been in a similar situation but I know my children would have handled it for me by taking turns in looking after their father while I had time to grieve, at least for a day.

 

My heart goes out to you as you face this sad time and my prayers are with you for the time ahead.

 

Sue.

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As a survivor, I still agree with Nancy and Sue. I know you would be sure Mike is safe but after that I'm afraid I'd be telling him to put on his big boy pants and I'll be home soon as I can. You shouldn't have to be held hostage to Mike's stroke.

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Cindy - please think about calling one of his Motorcycle buddies and calling in the favor Right Now!

 

We talked about this somewhat in Chat. This is too important. You need family and support to get through this. Holed up with someone to take care of is not going to do it. Go through your address book, find someone who will be willing to spend some time with Mike.

 

I know what you are going through and again, my sympathies and condolences to you and your family

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He stayed totally alone while you had surgery, remember? You can't let him guilt you into missing out on this family healing time. So what if he doesn't like it or get mad. If you don't go, YOU won't like it and YOU'll get mad. I have to say I'm not on the inside loop about how he functions, as I don't see much on it on the boards, but I do remember he stayed alone while you were in the hospital. You can also call him every hour to check on him, but don't run home just because he is a loose ends. Sorry for the pain you are in and the tough spot we all find ourselves in.

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Thanks everyone! I did exactly what you said! I gave him the ultimatum of staying here or being with me, he chose to go with me! It was a long day, went to view Momma's body @ 10am, he went, back @ funeral home for visitation and services @ 1, he went, back to Mommas for family time, he chose to go sit at the Huddle house and drink coffee while I went. I left him there for 3 hours while I visited! He did fine! I wish he did have someone to sit and talk to but there was no one so he was just hanging out alone! His choice, so things went as well as they could have gone. Oh and Ethel as far as the "motorcycle buddies" they haven't been around since before the stroke! No help there! Some brotherhood, right?

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I'm happy things worked out for you Cindy. We do what we have to do. So glad Mike went with you to the funeral home and services.

 

Julie

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Cindy: I am so glad you decided to take part in Mom's celebration of her life. You so needed to be with family and friends. You will be glad you made that decision down the road. Mike did what he was comfortable with and you have to appreciate that. I am truly sorry about the "friends" but honey, this one was about you. Stay well and know I am thinking of you. Debbie

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Cindy :

 

I am so glad you went & Mike joined you too. you did the right thing just because other person is sick or disabled can't keep you hostage.

 

you are in my thoughts & prayers

 

Asha

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I'm glad you were able to deal with this challenge and accomplish it. I know I have a 'freak out' thing in my head about what will happen when my mom goes, because of Bob's condition. I'm glad this small part of the puzzle resolved itself nicely (as possible) for you :)

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Thinking about you, and so glad you got some resolution time for you and your family... You needed it and i am glad you got it...... YES -- there is life after a stroke , different , sad , glimpses of our loved one, happiness ( usually in small doses) but a life .... and mike is growing through this, and so are ( we the caregivers grow to) ---- now my dear for the lonely times of mourning your mom.... do not ever feel guilty for that.. lay in bed cry all day, burn a pan ( lol)... but my dear do take the amount of time you need to mourn ..... again thinking about you and neer think for a minuet you cant come here and "vent"... nancyl

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Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. Do mourn,cry and burn every pan in the house! It takes time, and remember that your strokenet family are here for you.

 

You are always in my thoughts and prayers

 

Yvonne

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