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Spent the day with my mom :)


CagedBird

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My mom came over today and took me to my psychiatrists appointments then we went shopping and I got everything I wanted for my apartment. That meant a lot to me because I was feeling sad for feeling like a burden every time I have to ask my dad to take me somewhere. My mom drove my car. She lives by herself so it was a great day for the both of us. Since she is paranoid schizophrenic, she enjoys getting out the house and being around other people. I also enjoyed being out of my room. My dad has been out of town all day so Im glad I was able to spend the day with my mom instead of sitting in my room worrying about having a panic attack.

 

I had 2 more panic attacks the last 2 mornings and I started to have one today in the doctor's office. Today I just put my head in my lap and tried to breathe. The last 2 mornings I had them in my sleep. I was shaking and my heart was beating fast. I just kept repeating "Help me." and "Im okay." One morning I fell back asleep, the other morning I woke up and was okay. I had been feeling like crap lately. I had a headache the whole entire day yesterday and stomachache all day after I drank the lactulose, but Im glad today was a great day!

 

My appointments went well. The psychiatrist recommended that my neurologist increase my clonazepam to help the panic attacks. Right now I am on the smallest possible dose ( .25 mg dissolving tablet twice a day.) My therapist was great too. She gave me some photocopies from a book on mindfulness and meditation to do when Im feeling okay which should retrain my brain and prevent the panic attacks over time. Im excited to try it and the thing Jamie commented on my last blog :) I get to go see my therapist again on Monday so I will bring that with me. We're going to talk about other things I can do when I live by myself to keep from feeling panic attacks and depression and just keep my mind occupied.

 

Both my psychiatrist and therapist want me to have a psychological evaluation. My therapist says I have a lot of superstitions. I told her how I feel scared to get happy because I think something bad is going to happen as soon as things are going good and even just the feeling of happiness or excitement scares me because I think Im going to start feeling lightheaded and dizzy whenever I get too happy. She wants me to have a psychological evaluation so she can properly diagnose me. I cant wait to go back next week :) Today has been such a good day. Its amazing what a day out the house can do for you.

 

My left side is feeling a little better so Im guessing it was just soreness from the seizures and laying in bed but my left leg still starts jumping like crazy when Ive been walking around. Earlier today I was walking through the house thinking I need a Life Alert or something living by myself and right as I was thinking that, my foot dragged on the carpet, my knee popped back and I almost fell. My knee has been popping back a lot lately without my brace and having spasms with the brace. I know I was diagnosed with bursitis years ago when I was walking on campus all the time and I used to take naproxen but it didnt really help and I dont want to be on anymore medicine thats going to have dizziness and tiredness as side effects so Im probably just going to endure it and keep my brace and shoes on at all times when Im walking through the house.

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You know, I guess I never read your posts very close because I thought your mom and dad was in the same house since you were so young when the stroke came your way! Anyway it's great they both still are available to see about you and can help you when you need it.

 

I told my wife you been through so much having the stroke so young and still accomplished so much by shear determination on your part. I praise you for that all the time.. She knows I call you my little sister on strokenet with a big heart wanting to clap your hands in church but you can't do it like you would like to!!!

 

Take care and stop trying to hide your left arm and hand you are not the only one with a left arm you can't control... Just think about you still got that arm while many of my soldier brothers and sisters here don't have but one arm and one lady has a small baby girl she holds and can feed her pretty good.

 

I socialize with many of them on a daily basis at the Wounder Warriors building on Fort Hood. We got many that comes there with prostetic limbs.

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Katrina , it's nice that you got to spend time with your mom. A girl's day out occasionally will do you both good. It is probably a good idea to have a talk to your therapist about the way you think. I know when I was a teen I got into thinking that every good day I had I somehow had to pay for. I grew out of it but when Ray was so sick somehow that type of thinking came back to haunt me for a while. It would be good if you could feel excitement, joy and happiness and live in that moment without wondering what would happen next.

 

You are doing well despite all of this so look forward to further improvements.

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Katrina, please you haded a good day! With your mom! That is what it is about, having a good day and enjoying it, not thinking that something bad is going to happen. What will be will be! trust me on that.

 

know you will have lots of happy days

 

Yvonne

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