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all by myself



Thank you guys for the comments and compliments. This was a very long drawn out week. When I wrote my last entry I was on top of the world but now my high has come down :( Each day I have been watching movies, reading, and writing. Yesterday was fun. Since my cousin only lives 5 minutes away I went to get her and she came over. We went to the park across the street. It was so nice to get out of the house and be around someone else. It was scary driving since I have not drove in over a month but Im glad I stayed safe. After I took her home, my mentor picked me up and we went to a bible study group. That was nice being around other people. I feel like I have been sitting on this couch all week.


My dad has been over here like everyday except this weekend. The night after I wrote my last entry, he came over here at 10:30 at night. He was upset because he had been calling me and I was not answering. I get in bed at 9:00 after I take my medicine and I put my phone on silent because I am a light sleeper and a lot of people I know don't go to bed at 9:00 lol so their texts and calls would wake me up. My dad has a key to my apartment so when I heard him banging on my bedroom door in my sleep I thought something was wrong. I guess he was just worried.


Today I had my first major panic attack since I've been here. I felt weird a few times last week but it only lasted a couple seconds and it was usually just after I'd been staring at the tv for too long. This morning I was in my room finishing up on my computer and I started to feel "twitchy." I walked into my living room and I kept telling myself I was okay but it wasn't working. I was so dizzy and scared. I was reminded of the seizures so I called my best friend (my cousin) to take my mind off it. She did not answer but by the time I hung up, I felt okay. I didn't want to call my dad because I felt like it was just a panic attack.


I know my therapist said that meditation does not work overnight but I was kind of disappointed. I have been meditating everyday for 20 minutes and doing the progressive muscle relaxation yet I still feel scared. Every night I force myself to go to bed at 9:00 because Im scared I won't be able to fall asleep once the medicine wears off. Im scared to lay in my bed because it reminds me of the seizures and my left arm always starts to feel weird (like it might start jerking like a seizure) as soon as I lay down.


Im glad I have my own place. Everyday I dont have a seizure or panic attack I give thanks, every morning I wake up without a seizure or panic attack that night I give thanks. I am so glad to be out of my bedroom at my dad's house. I just wish I did not have to live in fear. As much as I tell myself I dont have seizures anymore, Im still scared. The panic attacks happen when Im the most relaxed and calm not even thinking about them. I try to switch from a movie to a book to the computer but I still get scared when I realize I've just been staring at screens all day. I am an introvert so I don't mind being alone and doing things by myself. I've been going for a walk everyday but when Im alone all day I still just feel trapped in my thoughts like I have too much time to think


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Great job - you are taking BIG steps…and dad is being dad - aka protective…. lucky to have someone like that !!...

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Katrina :


I am glad you are doing ok. BTW maybe you should time yourself of electronic usage. & try going out for a walk for 30 mins sunlight & nature is low hanging fruits of getting happiness. watch birds people while walking its fun. you are fortunate to have caring dad, omething to be greatful about.

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You been thinking way too much, relax your thinking a bit. if you feel weird maybe it's your cholesterol level being a bit high. i bet you have not checked it lately nor your blood pressure. Those two things can cause a stroke you know. I have to be real careful and check those two things daily...


I'm glad you got your apt. again but it is good your dad is close enough to come by and check on you. I keep my cell phone by my side all the time i'm home alone so my wife can keep check on me or i may fall and can't get up...

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