This week has been kind of rough because of the weather. I went outside to throw away my pizza box on Monday but as soon as I sat in the gazebo to call my friend, it started to rain. Tuesday was horrible. It was thundering and lightening from about 2 in the afternoon until I got in bed at 9. I started to feel so depressed. I was afraid to cook since the lights kept flickering and my netflix was messing up on tv so I was sitting here hungry and bored thinking about how sad and lonely I felt. It was very depressing. Im glad I could at least text my cousin to get my thoughts out.

When I moved to Charlotte I believe I read this book called the Secret. I liked the idea of positive thinking and making affirmations. Everything was perfect. I got my job at the library, my car, and I was feeling pretty good once I got off the zoloft. BUT I do not like the law of attraction that you attract everything you think of even if its a negative thought. This means that even though Im thinking "I don't want to have a seizure", I will still have a seizure because Im attracting it. Well yesterday I decided to give "the Secret" another chance and watch the documentary. And sure enough as I was watching it I started to have another panic attack. I talked to myself, paused the tv, and tried to breathe but the panic attack did not end until I called my cousin and got her voicemail just like on Sunday.

I saw my therapist yesterday. It sucks because she wants me to come back in a week but her schedule is booked for the next 3 weeks. Hopefully they will call if someone cancels. I wrote down all of my fears so I could get her opinion on them. I feel like I spent so much time talking that I didn't really get any good advice. I told her to interrupt me more next time!

I feel so bad when I complain. I feel like I've complained all my life about being depressed and disabled and now Im finally not depressed and I still complain. Lastnight I was even thinking of all the good things that have come from me having the stroke. Who knows where I would be if I had not gone through all of that. I am sure I would not have accomplished so much and sure I would not be sitting here doing whatever I want in my own place during a workday with no kids or husband. I have so much to be grateful for and I make positive affirmations all the time.

Today I tried to switch it up a bit. I cooked and did my exercises from OT and PT while listening to an audiobook on how to overcome depression, anxiety, and compulsiveness. It helped a lot to get up and moving. I want to make a habit of exercising daily. I think its going to rain again so I will probably do another exercise session later. Im thinking about starting a garden (which my bestfriend suggested). I cant wait to go for a walk in the park with her again this Saturday.