This week went pretty good. I did some grocery shopping and went to the library with my dad again on Monday. Monday night I believe I had a panic attack. I was laying in bed on the computer and I started to get agitated. I didnt want to be on the computer, didnt want to call my cousin, and it was too late to start a movie. Then it happened. I started to feel really dizzy, I got kinda nauseous and since this was the first time since I moved here that it happened while laying in bed, I thought I could be having a seizure so called my cousin. I talked to her until I calmed down.

It sucks that Im still afraid to lay in my bed. The only time I lay down now is when Im falling asleep. If I lay down any other time my left arm starts feeling weird and I get scared that its going to start jerking like a seizure. On Monday night I was laying on my left side to hold my arm down while on the computer like I am now when the attack happened. I dont know how I did this everyday when I lived with my dad. I get tired of sitting on my couch all day but sometimes I wish I could just lay down and talk on the phone or watch tv with no fear or weird feelings.

Im too smart

On Wednesday I had to go get a psychological evaluation requested by my therapist. It was not what I expected. I told the psychologist my life story and he doen't even see the point in me having a real evaluation test. He says they could test me but he doesn't think it would be conclusive with what he and I talked about. With all I've been through, he said its normal for me to feel the way I do and he would probably be worser off than me if he was in my shoes. I asked him about the anxiety, irrational fear, and panic attacks. His conclusion was "you're just too damn smart." He said people with high IQs think a lot so thats why I have the fear and anxiety. His only suggestion to me was to go back to school to be a psychologist so I can think about other peoples' problems instead of my own (like he did) since I am so smart and intelligent. Im not sure if this is good or bad. I kinda wanted a diagnosis so I could get treatment. But I guess there is nothing psychologically wrong with me.

EEG follow up

My follow up at Chapel Hill yesterday went as I expected. They screwed up my brain 12 years ago so I will be on seizure medicine for the rest of my life because of the scarred tissue. I was right about the birth control. Progestin helps me and my medications seem to be helping so continue my medicine. I did learn 1 new thing. A side effect of keppra is anxiety. So the increase in keppra may explain the increase in anxiety attacks. I was thinking about going back to my old dosage but I was so depressed before. I dont know which is worse being depressed for no reason or having random dizzy spells (panic attacks). Im just glad I dont have the seizures.

panic attacks

I had another quick panic attack before I went to chapel hill. My dad was here and it was dark and he was sitting on my couch. I started to feel like I was dreaming because it was such a different experience. I told him he was making me feel weird so I went to the bathroom and plopped on the toilet trying not to fall I was so dizzy but once I finished peeing it was over. He didnt even know it happened. I was talking to him the whole time saying "Don't come back here, Im peeing." (because I didnt have time to shut the door). I am glad the attacks dont last long and I believe they will go away