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just venting, bored, lonely


CagedBird

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I will try not to ramble. I just decided to blog because I feel really depressed and alone right now. I had a few more attacks since my last entry but I just breathed slowly and played it off like it wasnt happening. I usually stop what Im doing and start freaking out if the breathing and talking myself down doesnt seem to be working. but lately the breathing and continuing whatever Im doing at the time seems to be helping.

 

I went to therapy yesterday. Its hard to really talk about therapy because I only get 30 minutes. I was given a evaluation I have to bring back next week with questions about how many panic attacks I had and what I did before and after them during the past week. I hope I dont have any at all! Lastnight it was really hard for me to go to sleep. Yesterday made it 2 months that I have been seizure free (with the exception of the EEG seizures). Im so glad the hormone is really working for me..

 

but it was really hard for me to go to sleep. My mind kept racing. My therapist told me to think of some activities I could do to keep my mind busy but my issue isnt bussiness. My issue is loneliness. I go for walks. I sit in the gazebo and watch the kids play. I called the community college to see what classes they offer this summer. I called the YMCA to see if they have any groups I can participate in. I called a girl I met at a singles conference to see if I can meet friends through her small group at church. Today my dad took me to the library.

 

I find things to do but Im just so tired of going to bed at 9:00 every night and waking up at 5:30 every morning. For what? I call people all day but no one answers because they're at work. I want a boyfriend but the guys I've met online since I moved back here meet me once or twice then ignore me. The ones that do keep in touch dont text often and dont call at all.

 

I am very grateful for all I have and all I've accomplished but sometimes I just feel like such a loser. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. I feel like I will never find love. I feel friendless and alone. I was looking at an old profile from a social network when I was in 10th grade and under "dreams" I had typed "to be a successful criminologist with 3 kids and a husband". I will be 25 next month and I just feel like a failure. Im thankful I have family here to hang out with but when I was in Charlotte I had co-workers and meet up groups. I was always doing new things and meeting new people. Here no matter what I just feel so alone when Im not hanging out with my family.

 

Disclaimer: Im okay with spending time with myself. I love living by myself being independent I just need someone to talk to sometimes so when Im already lonely I feel more depressed when no one texts back or calls back.

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As a widow living alone I can relate to a lot of what you have posted here. I too feel very lonely sometimes, and sometimes , like you, I look back on my life and wonder what I have done and if it has made an impact on anyone. BUT I know this is all wrong. I don't need to go there. I can concentrate on what I have done, as you can. Look at the photos of yourself being a vibrant person, remember those times will come again. This is just a slow down phase whiel you get the seizures and panic attacks under control.

 

I am learning slowly to live by myself, it isn't easy and sometimes I do cry, not for loss of the past but for loss of the future, the future I had planned to have with a husband, going around Australia in our van, visiting friends in far away places, being companions to one another. Somehow for the good of my own mental health I have to give up those dreams and accept life as it is right now. I need to look to the future with hope and accept whatever the present brings.

 

Think of how you can come to terms with the way life is now and how you can manage each day if it is to be on your own or with friends and how that may be doable in the future. That is what I am having to do too.

 

Sue.

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I understand about calling friends and they're all at work. I am going to be solo here soon as well so try to find a groovy hobby. Get a little window box and start growing something. Start a blob for other single ladies out there. I can't go to clubs or bars ( noise and quit drinking) Would you get fish or something?

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At your age and living condition you could go to the closest mall, stores and window shooping if you get lonely and or bored!

 

I'm at home daily but I give myself so much to do and places to go until all my days seem to be short by the time I get around to doing a lot of things...I go to the bowling center on certain days just to visit the League bowlers then I will stop at a store and buy a lottery ticket. Then I pick up my grand child from school at 3 pm and my day seems to be full so try going even if it's walking. Don't sit home and drive yourself batty!!!

 

You can get games one person can play too it helps pass the hours in a day!!

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Katrina :

 

Make sure to have routine in your life like set days for exercises, set day for laundry & other things. once you start having routine in life you will feel less alone. That's what worked for me. Now I get upset when my routine is messed up lol

 

Asha

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