I will try not to ramble. I just decided to blog because I feel really depressed and alone right now. I had a few more attacks since my last entry but I just breathed slowly and played it off like it wasnt happening. I usually stop what Im doing and start freaking out if the breathing and talking myself down doesnt seem to be working. but lately the breathing and continuing whatever Im doing at the time seems to be helping.

I went to therapy yesterday. Its hard to really talk about therapy because I only get 30 minutes. I was given a evaluation I have to bring back next week with questions about how many panic attacks I had and what I did before and after them during the past week. I hope I dont have any at all! Lastnight it was really hard for me to go to sleep. Yesterday made it 2 months that I have been seizure free (with the exception of the EEG seizures). Im so glad the hormone is really working for me..

but it was really hard for me to go to sleep. My mind kept racing. My therapist told me to think of some activities I could do to keep my mind busy but my issue isnt bussiness. My issue is loneliness. I go for walks. I sit in the gazebo and watch the kids play. I called the community college to see what classes they offer this summer. I called the YMCA to see if they have any groups I can participate in. I called a girl I met at a singles conference to see if I can meet friends through her small group at church. Today my dad took me to the library.

I find things to do but Im just so tired of going to bed at 9:00 every night and waking up at 5:30 every morning. For what? I call people all day but no one answers because they're at work. I want a boyfriend but the guys I've met online since I moved back here meet me once or twice then ignore me. The ones that do keep in touch dont text often and dont call at all.

I am very grateful for all I have and all I've accomplished but sometimes I just feel like such a loser. I feel like all my hard work was for nothing. I feel like I will never find love. I feel friendless and alone. I was looking at an old profile from a social network when I was in 10th grade and under "dreams" I had typed "to be a successful criminologist with 3 kids and a husband". I will be 25 next month and I just feel like a failure. Im thankful I have family here to hang out with but when I was in Charlotte I had co-workers and meet up groups. I was always doing new things and meeting new people. Here no matter what I just feel so alone when Im not hanging out with my family.

Disclaimer: Im okay with spending time with myself. I love living by myself being independent I just need someone to talk to sometimes so when Im already lonely I feel more depressed when no one texts back or calls back.