Well after all of my venting and complaining in my last blog, things got a lot better. The following night I talked to the girl from the small group for women at church. Then the following night I talked to my mentor and friend from my abstinent/celibacy group. It was just nice having people to talk to. This weekend was AMAZING. I did not want to sit at home. I wanted to go out and be around people. On Saturday I picked up my cousin and we went to the coffee shop then got lunch at the sandwich shop. That night I talked to a guy I'd met online until like 12am. It was so nice to not sit alone all day and night.

On Sunday I drove to church. It was nice once again to be around other people but Sunday night was not so good. I kept wondering if I was going to have any attacks to record before I seen my therapist again on Tuesday. Well Sunday night right as I was making confirmations (praying) that I would have no more attacks, it happened. I tried to close my eyes and breathe but it felt too much like a seizure so I had to open my eyes. I was shaking but luckily it was only around 9:30 so I had people to talk to to help me calm down until I felt okay enough to fall back asleep.

Monday was bittersweet. I woke up having an attack. Its like I woke up while I was still dreaming. I didnt want to get up that early but I was too afraid to keep my eyes closed so I got up. The guy I talked to over the phone Saturday night wanted to take me out to breakfast. I was really conflicted because part of me felt scared to drive after having 2 attacks. I was going to just tell him I couldnt go but as I was looking up directions to the restaurant I started to have ANOTHER attack and I knew I just had to get out the house. I had to get away from here. I drove safely and enjoyed breakfast.

When I came home I wanted to go back out since it was Memorial Day so I went to pick up my cousin again. This time when we went to the coffee shop, I met a guy that started a conversation with me and invited me to his church. After we left the coffee shop, we came home and ate, then went to the park It was lot of families there cooking out on the grills and playing music, kids playing. It was so much fun to not be alone. I didnt want it to end.

I was dreading taking my cousin back home but I was trying to stay calm. I kept telling myself I love my apartment. I need to rest. Everything will be okay. But as soon as I walked through my door the anxiety came and by the time I walked down the hall to my bedroom I was hyperventilating trying to call my cousin.

Yesterday I told my therapist about everything. I was concerned that I was avoiding my apartment so much but she said its good avoidance since Im avoiding isolating myself. After my appointment I'd dropped my phone in my dad's truck on accident so I drove to his house to get it. While waiting for traffic to die down I visited my friend I'd went out to breakfast with the day before. Right now Im watching Andy Griffith with my mom and tomorrow Im supposed to be going to lunch with one of my friends from middle school before she goes off to medical school. If I can just stay busy around other people, Im happy: no worries, no fear, no anxiety. I just have to work on being okay alone too. I dont want my entire apartment to turn into my bedroom at my dad's house. I cant keep running from my fears