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guess i spoke too soon


CagedBird

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I was feeling really good. On Tuesday, I went to campus and checked on the status of my application for the job I applied for last week. I kind of did some networking and talked to some old faculty and staff that remembered me. That night when I said my prayers I felt so repetitive. Ever since I rededicated my life back to Christ a few weeks ago, I have been praying to God, reading my bible and devotionals. My closest new friends are women my age I met from church groups that mentor me so it was hard to try to run away from God when the main people I talk to and hang out with were always inviting me to "girl talks" and church functions for young single women.

 

I have another journal where I write about my spiritual journey that's why I don't talk about it much on here anymore. But its kind of hard because on Tuesday night I did the same thing I always do, thank God for answering all of my prayers and that following morning I did the same thing. Im thankful for each day I don't have a panic attack, each night I dont have nightmares, Im even thankful for those few seconds when my brain doesn't get stuck in that R.E.M stage when falling asleep and first waking up.

 

But for some reason yesterday I had 3 attacks. I did the same things I always do but they still happened. I don't understand. I don't know which one was more scary the one I had while sitting outside in the gazebo scared to try to walk back to my apartment but scared of being out there alone after no one answered my calls or the one I had when I was getting out of the shower and I couldnt figure out which way to turn the faucet to make the water go off or if I should sit on the toilet or try to walk back to my room to get my towel.

 

Today I had 3 more. The scariest one was in the grocery store as I was shopping with my dad. I could not play it off because I felt like I was going to fall and I needed something to hold on to. He got scared and grabbed me but I old him dont look in my eyes and just act normal. He's so used to watching me have a seizure but his demeanor was scaring me even more. I wanted to just keep shopping but of course I had to stand there until I felt okay enough to keep walking.

 

My therapist was booked last week and on vacation this week so I havent seen her in a while. I got really depressed yesterday after my shower incident. I was crying because I don't want to end up paranoid schizophrenic like my mom or with psychosis like my friend. She is 27 and her mom had psychosis. She is in the hospital but every time I talk to her I cry because we've been friends since before my stroke and Im not use to hearing her talk like that. It's aso a reminder that might be me one day. I dont want to sit in this apartment talking to myself or talking to God and end up like one of them.

 

I talk to my mentor tonight but sometimes its hard talking to her because in her mind prayer changes everything and when I read the Bible it says God answers prayer. Religion just kind of confuses me because when I got prayed for last Sunday we prayed for all the fear, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and thoughts that I have psychological problems to go away. I know Im going to have bad days I just dont understand how everything came back after I was doing so good last week. Even my techniques didnt work today. For some reason I pinched my nose I think because my throat was burning and it was hard to breathe through my mouth with the cold air making my throat burn more. Last night in the shower I told myself "it's not happening, Im okay, Im happy, God loves me, God healed me." yet I felt so confused and scared.

 

I just want to feel how I felt on Sunday and Monday-happy. My birthday is in 2 days but I have been having some crazy mood changes. I hated sitting on my couch watching tv all day but now Im scared to sit in the gazebo and today with my dad was really scary because I had never had a panic attack in a public place around someone I know before. I really thought I was getting better trying to stay positive and hope for the best. Now I just dont know

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that's scary caged bird. i can't imagine myself handling it near as well as you are. i feel your anxiety and frustration very deeply and i just wanted to tell you this.

 

david

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I don't have any answers Katrina, I think you do get healed but it is all in earth time, very, very, slowly as we change from one state of being into another. You will gradually change and improve as you always have with stroke. So one or two days of failing does not mean a lifetime of failing. Hard as it is you do have to have patience and look at the future with hope. Just live one day at a time if you can. (((hugs)))

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Happy early birthday! I am sorry you are having so many problems, no answers and life just doesn't seem good or fair right now. Lots of thoughts and prayers to you, Keep your chin and head up!

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hi Caged Bird- you might have heard this before but God does hear every cry of our heart -but He answers in His way and in His time (that's the hard bit). Rest in His love for you- that's a safe place,. much love x

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Blessings to you - take each emotion and feeling as just that, a feeling. Have faith in yourself keep thinking strong, positive thoughts and try not to focus only on the negative. Prayers and healing thoughts coming your way.....

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