My entry title is not a typo. Its a double meaning. Weakdays=weekdays I already prayed 3 times this morning, read 2 daily devotionals from 2 different books I have, and read today's readings for 6 different devotional Bible reading plans I am doing on bible.com. I also watched Joyce Meyer this morning "Enjoying Everyday Life" at 6am so I can have some motivation to enjoy my day.

So why do I still feel so blah? It's so hard to explain and its like nobody can understand me. Last night I thought I was about to have a seizure because I was so dizzy and at first I was just staring. I thought about how I had so many different types of seizures last year but when I did my EEG at UNC Chapel Hill, they only see me have the grand mal seizure and they said they didnt see any activity the other times I pressed the button so it was probably just panic attacks.

Im very thankful that I have not had a seizure since March 19 but Im so tired of these "attacks." Its even harder to deal during the weekdays when Im sitting here by myself. My weekend was wonderful. My family threw a big fish fry/cookout on Friday night. It was so many people and so much noise. When my aunt turned on some lights it immediately made me feel weird like it was too much light so I looked away and felt okay. Then its like I started to think about what was happening and thats when I started to feel dizzy. I didn't want anyone to panic. My cousin is the only one who knows not to panic when I say I feel dizzy but for some reason I could not tell her. My aunt had started singing a song so I started to sing with her. I don't know how I sounded. I dont even remember hearing my voice. I just knew if I stopped singing, I wouldn't know what to do. Once we finished the chorus of the song, I told my cousin "I made it through another attack." She said "yeah I was wondering why you were singing like that but I just thought you really liked the song." So I made it through with a smile on my face even though my heart was beating so fast and I was scared. Everyone just complimented me on my singing skills.

Saturday was another good day. I drove back to my aunt's house to get some leftovers then picked up my cousin to ride with me to go check on my mom. I visited her for a little bit then came back home. But when I got home as I was eating and watching a movie, it happened again. I thought about pausing the movie to just pray. (I couldnt understand what they were saying anyway because I felt so dizzy and scatter brained) but I pressed on and finished the movie.

Yesterday I was feeling so good on my way to church a song came on the radio that I had not heard since my stroke and I just started to cry as I was driving. I was planning to make a blog about how Im just so thankful to be alive and I used to be so depressed because I thought I couldn't be happy until I got my left side back but now I see I can still have fun and my left side is the least of my worries. I was having such a good day until I had that attack lastnight. I made it through the night and got up this morning. I even tried to change my routine. Since I had an attack yesterday reading my Bible and I always read sitting on my couch for hours, I decided to just lay down for a little bit to take off the anxiety but nope, I still had another attack.

I am trying so hard to be strong and stay busy so I wont have time to be afraid. I read the Bible, watch Joyce Meyer in the morning, read self help books, exercise, watch feel good movies throughout the day but sometimes I just feel so weak. My weekends are always so fun I dont have time to think about anxiety/seizures/panic attacks/whatever they are, but on the weekdays I have to try extra hard to stay busy and its discouraging when Im being my normal self trying to stay busy and not even think about negativity but the attacks still happen out of nowhere.