I am giving another try at not speaking negatively. It is a process! I think I tried to only blog positive thoughts last month then I just kinda exploded one day I was so frustrated. Last week's sermon was on positive thinking but I am just trying to be content. Whenever I try to talk positive all the time and think positive, it makes me obsessed with the things I want and stresses me out when i speak positive then it does not happen.

I think I associated contentment with acceptance and in the christian world, I felt like I was not supposed to do that. I was not supposed to allow the devil to let me be comfortable in whatever mess I was in or accept that Im going to be like this for the rest of my life. Jesus can heal me! Im supposed to have strong faith in God! Being content and accepting my situation is not exercising faith! Im going to bring that up at my pastoral counseling session on Thursday. I also felt depressed for so long it was like either Im depressed and dont care about anything or Im so happy because everything is going great in my life. Im trying to find that balance though.

So last week I applied for a job I REALLY want but instead of praying everyday that I get the job and telling myself I got the job everyday, I just have been trying not to think about it. I did my part. I applied for it online. I even hand delivered my resume and cover letter and talked to one of the people assisting in the hiring in person. Sure, I have heard they are on a hiring freeze, I did not even get an interview for the last job I applied for there, and I heard they are cutting positions but Im not worried. I am content. I am headed to a job fair today to keep my options open. I can't find my briefcase with the strap on it so I am currently trying to figure out how to hold my portfolio and shake hands, and hand out copies of my resume. Wish me luck!

I have decided to stop talking about the anxiety altogether. There are ridiculous thoughts that pop in my mind that I can't control but i try to pop them back out my mind. They are kind of like OCD. I think I have to do things a certain way to keep from having an attack from how I put my shoes on the floor to whether I take my shower cap off before or after I reach for my towel. Just ridiculous. Unfortunately my therapist cancelled our appointment on Friday and by the time I see her Im pretty sure I wont be able to remember everything.

I no longer bring it up with my friends either. Sure I want to share when I wake up in the morning after sleeping through the entire night with no attacks and no waking up at crazy hours. I also want to share those wonderful days when I have no attacks at all. But it cant be that way. I have no control over when the attacks happen or even sometimes how I react to them but I can control whether or not I am going to vent and complain about it. So I've decided when I do actually get to talk to someone, Im just telling them about my day and leaving the attacks out of it. They frustrate me, they bother me, but there's nothing anyone can do about it so no point in talking about it that only makes it worse and makes me think about it more.

I had an amazing weekend. Friday I went out for frozen yogurt with my women's group from church,. Saturday we went to an open-mic event at a church then we went out to dinner. Sunday I went to my nephew's birthday party. It was nice because my mom was able to come and was getting around on the old cane I used after my stroke. (In case you guys dont remember, my mom got in a bad car accident last month on the day of my other nephew's birthday party.) It was also nice because I finally got to sit and talk to my best friend (my cousin). Between her working and her new boyfriend, she has not had much time for me so it was nice to have her undivided attention in person.