I go see my therapist again today so it helps to blog to get my thoughts together before I go see her. I have a friend (actually my ex-boyfriend) who graduated college, worked for years, and drove a van modified just for him because he has muscular dystrophy. Well it is a disability that gets worse over time so eventually he got too weak to work, had to turn in his license, sell his van, and live at home with his parents. This is how I feel.

I tried so hard to do everything I could to make sure I could have a successful life. I worked hard, studied hard, drove cautiously. But what was the point? I finally had my first full time job with benefits and had to quit because of the stroke. I was the valedictorian, did every extra curricular, community service every semester then worked every summer break for the federal government so why am I begging for a job? It just feels like every time I do my part to make progress, the stroke knocks me back down. I am going to Vocational Rehab on Monday for a job placement workshop and to get a counselor but I don't know if I even feel like working anymore.

I have had an attack everyday since I last seen my therapist on Saturday. Sometimes I try to keep doing what Im doing until the feeling goes away, sometimes I have to stop and just stare until I feel back to normal, and sometimes I call for help because I just know Im about to have a seizure. How can I be productive at a job with this crap?

Oh and the DMV medical review board finally sent my papers. I have to see my neurologist next Wednesday so I just don't even care anymore. Im sure once I tell him about the auras, dizziness, etc on top of the fact I haven't had a review since 2012 and have had numerous seizures and been in 2 accidents cause of my vision loss since then, there goes my license.

I just wish I could live a normal life. Start a business without worrying about it failing because of my health, work without anxiety, drive without worrying about an accident. Date without having to explain my medical history. THINK, LIVE without wondering what's going to happen next every minute of the day. I cant even sit quietly anymore without freaking out. It's like I always have to have something to distract me so I wont think Im going to have an attack. I've always had the motivation not to let anything stop me from being successful but now I feel like every time I go one step forward, the stroke is there to bring me 2 steps back. So why even try