I seen my therapist on Friday. She wants me to have a psychological evaluation. She also gave me some papers to log the attacks because she said it is not helping her by me just telling her verbally what happens. Silly me, I thought all those times she was writing in her notepad and typing on her laptop she was actually recording what I was saying.

My dad is pretty much my caregiver I guess. He takes me to my appointments. I love my dad. Last week he started to cry as I started to cry when i was having the attack. I know that he loves me but he has been making me feel worse lately. On Friday, he told me I looked horrible. He told me to stop talking like a baby. (I was tired, depressed, and waiting to see my therapist.) Then when dropping me off back at my apartment he kept saying he sure hopes I don't end up like my mom (paranoid schizophrenic) because Im starting to act like her. I really didn't need that.

I haven't been driving far lately. I met a nice guy who lives 5-10 minutes away. I had 2 attacks during our first date but he was cool with it. He actually thought I was some cool super hero type woman when I told him I have a titanium plate in my head. It sucked that I had the attacks around him but I was really happy that it did not scare him away. It was hard enough dating and waiting for the reaction to my physical disabilities, even harder explaining why I take anxiety/epilepsy meds, but I never had an attack (2 intense ones) my first time on a date with a guy so I was really embarrassed but he was really cool and gave me a big hug Definite opposite from the guys that was freaked out by my hand or limp then just ignored me after our first date.

Anyway I was driving back from his house Saturday and started to have an attack while pulling into my neighborhood. The only times I've had attacks while driving is when in my parking lot. I think its an anxiety thing like I don't want to go back to this place all alone, what am I going to do when i get home, etc. So today I am not going to Vocational Rehab. My dad had to work and doesn't want me to drive. I kinda don't want to drive anymore and kinda don't want to work anymore. My dad thinks I have too much going on and need to just wait. That just makes me feel so defeated though. Sure I dont like the thought of driving to/from work everyday and possibility of attacks affecting my job performance and having to quit like my last job. BUT what do I do with my life? I can only lay on my couch watching netflix for so long. Im not an old woman who has lived my life and is ready to die. Im a young adult who was trying to start my adult life. I go see the neurologist Wednesday. If I cant work or drive, he or the psychiatrist is going to have to give me something to turn off my brain and numb this pain.

Good news: On top of meeting my new friend the other day, I finally slept through the night last night for the first time in a week so I am hopeful today will be a better day and I wont think about suicide.