Its only been a few days and here I am blogging again. I finally slept good lastnight. No nightmares, no attacks. A few nights ago as I was trying to fall asleep, I threw the covers off of me and jumped up saying "no, help me God please." I guess I was afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares and attacks I'd had the night before in my sleep. I feel bad when I complain about my bad sleeping habits to other people. It could be a lot worse and I know that and I give thanks every morning I wake up that I dont have epileptic seizures in my sleep anymore.

I have been having anxiety attacks everyday this week but they have not been like the seizures. It's like I feel it coming, I tell myself it's okay and it will be over soon, just breathe then Im fine. Yesterday I had a panic attack too though. I had a pretty busy day. I had an interview at my church. It went great but after the interview my dad wanted to pick up my DMV medical review papers from my neurologist, then I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist next door (I've only been seeing a therapist for anxiety and I need someone that can treat the psychogenic seizures). After that my dad realized my neurologist didn't fill out half the papers and he put a lot of stuff on there that will more than likely get my license suspended, so we had to go see my eye doctor and I had to have a full exam so he could fill out the vision portion of the review.

I usually have a conference call with my girl friends from church on Thursday nights but the leader was sick. On the way to my apartment my dad kept fussing about how my neurologist really messed me up and he sure hopes I dont get my license taken away. All the while Im thinking "okay Katrina, you made it through your interview, you made it through the day with no attacks. Everything is going to be okay." But as I tried to open my apartment door I broke. I got dizzy and I tried to yell out "daddy Im scared." (He was in the car waiting for me to get inside before he drove off.) So he came inside and sat with me until I calmed down.

The rest of my night went well. Even though I did not want to be here alone after being gone all day and even though I could not stop the worrying before falling asleep, I made it through. Today is a new day and I already had 1 anxiety attack this morning but hopefully that was the only one for the day. It seems like things go better when I just say "whatever happens happens, I hope I sleep good, I don't know what the day will bring". But whenever I pray and speak positively and try to have good thoughts that does not make a difference. I hate to just accept that's the way it is and just have the i don't care/whatever happens attitude.

Once again I feel like that is not having active faith and I might miss out on God's blessings if Im not believing and praying for exactly what I want to happen. I know the Bible says pray without ceasing but I just kinda feel better not hoping and praying about the fate of my license, whether or not I will get a job, if I will sleep peacefully, if I will make it through the day without an attack, etc. My left hand doesn't bother me anymore probably because Im not praying for healing everyday, exercising, focusing on it, and letting it determine my happiness. Im trying to treat this psychological stuff the same way but at the same time I kinda dont want to accept it because I dont want to live like this in uncontrollable fear/anxiety everyday and night.