I was not going to blog about this. I did not even want to think about this but I need something that can remind me of this for future reference. I don't know if you guys remember but when I first moved to Charlotte in 2012, I was on zoloft, I quit baclofen, and I had quit taking the mini-pill a couple months before. I quit the Zoloft after about a month because it was making me more depressed, even though I properly weened myself off the baclofen I got back on it so I could qualify for the bioness, and as you guys know I have been seizure free since I finally started back on the mini-pill in March this year so I cant figure out what exactly triggered the seizures to return in 2012.

It was right around that time that I started to have seizures in my sleep but my neurologist thought they were just parasomnias. This continued all through last year. I would wake up unable to move or be screaming in my sleep but nothing was coming out or I would be trying to wake up but could not open my eyes. Of course we realized I was actually having seizures I guess sometimes so I got on the clonazepam last September to help with anxiety about falling asleep and the night terrors.

Well now Im scared. A few months ago I began having trouble falling asleep but I attributed it to boredom and forcing myself to go to bed at 9:00 after not doing anything all day. Then I started to wake up in the middle of the night more but I once again figured maybe its because I got enough sleep or the sounds around my apartment building. Well now things have got worse. For the past couple weeks, I have been having nightmares. Majority of the time they are n the mornings after I woke up at 2am then fall back asleep in the morning after staying up a couple hours. Then I started to jump up yelling "no! help me! God please!" usually tossing the covers off me and afraid to fall back asleep.

The reason Im scared now is because things got worse this morning. Im afraid to fall asleep on my right side because it used to feel like someone was pushing me back when I had seizures in my sleep. Now Im afraid to fall asleep on my left side because I've had so many nightmares but this morning I cant tell if I was having a nightmare, sleep paralysis, or a seizure. In my head I was screaming but I was asleep and couldnt wake up. I cant tell if my body was really jerking from a seizure or if I was just having sleep paralysis and couldnt move. I remember thinking in my head (yelling) "Im falling, someone help me." Pretty much these are the same exact things that I was experiencing when I was having seizures in my sleep.

I guess the clonazepam is only good for short term use but now I don't know what to do. Some days are so unbearable because of the panic/anxiety attacks and psychogenic seizures so all I want to do is go to bed but now Im scared to go to sleep again!