Well even though I only got a handful of views on my last entry and comments have been dwindling, I am going to blog because yesterday my therapist told me writing and talking about how I feel helps. I thought it made it worse. After having attacks/seizures while on the phone and blogging, I assumed talking/typing about it was just triggering bad memories but apparently according to my therapist, talking/writing about it gets all those suppressed thoughts out of my head.

As I said in my last entry I have had attacks/psychogenic seizures lately but they have only been one or 2 a day. I did have some while wearing the halter monitor. I had one that night, 2 in my sleep, and one scary one on the way back to the cardiologist to return the monitor. I wont get my results until my next appointment on halloween.

My weekend has been good so far. My boyfriend went with me to the Heart Walk this morning and I wore the Stroke Survivor t-shirt I purchased from this website a few years ago. It was nice. I did not want to just be sitting in my apartment alone for the rest of the day so I came to my dad's house. I kept having nightmares last night that I was having a seizure. I just kept waking up scared saying "Im scared, Im scared!" and shaking. My boyfriend said I was just laying there so Im guessing it was either nightmares or the psychogenics and not epileptic seizures. It's just irritating since the seizures started in my sleep 2 years ago and were misdiagnosed as parasomnias for so long. I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have seizures anymore and just go back to sleep and everything will be okay.

My 13th stroke anniversary is next Saturday. I see my therapist the day before so I will probably have some new poetry coming soon. She told me about a treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) that is used to treat psychogenic seizures and trauma based therapy used to treat underlying trauma (experiencing the seizure) but she is not trained in either one so she s just going to continue working on decreasing my anxiety. In the meantime I am researching how I can minimize them happening in my sleep. This just started a few months ago. I miss just being able to drive whenever, go to sleep whenever, watch whatever on tv, and play on my computer in silence like the introvert I am without worrying about too much silence, too much noise, spending too much time alone, being afraid to be by myself. Its like my personality has turned into a psychological diagnosis and my general everyday thoughts have turned into fear and anxiety. These doctors putting a stigma on everything and giving me medicine for everything I feel like has made things a little worse.