My stroke was 13 years ago from today. This was the weekend I was in ICU while the surgeons tried to fix their mistake. I did not know how to feel about today or what to do. Everything seems so confusing now because I have too much time to think. Ever since I moved to my apartment 6 months ago I have done something every single Saturday. I always looked forward to the weekends because that was when I could take a break from sitting on my couch watching movies from sunrise to sunset and actually hang out and talk to my family and friends. Even on the Saturdays that I didn't plan anything I still ended up doing something or getting in my car and going somewhere even if just back to my dad's house to get away.

So even though I hung out with girlfriends from church lastnight for Bible study at the coffee shop, I stayed the night at my dad's house this week just to get away, and my boyfriend came over one day, I just don't know what to do today because Im so used to being around other people on Saturday.

I don't know how to feel about my stroke anniversary. I am thankful that I still have my license for now, I have my own place again, and I don't have epileptic seizures anymore. I still want to work, to keep my license, and to not have attacks at all though.

On Thursday I started taking my medicine at 10 instead of 9 so I can go to bed later and hopefully wake up later. I seen my doctor this week. He's giving me referrals to another psychiatrist and neurologist for a 2nd opinion. He also mentioned valium might be better than clonazepam. He also told me not to be afraid to use my left side. Just because it trembles does not mean I am going to have a seizure so I shouldn't be afraid to exercise it.

Everything seems more confusing with a psychological disorder. When I just wanted to use my left hand, I just went to therapy and exercised. But with this anxiety/panic/psychogenic stuff I don't know what to do. My therapist gave me a list of coping techniques but its hard because I feel like if Im afraid to do them or I do them wrong, then they're not going to work or make things worse. She tells me Im suppressing my emotions and just need to let them out. I shouldnt suppress the panic attack. Just let it happen. But if that's the case then why do Christians preach about turning your problems over to God and not worrying about them? Do I need to breathe deeply and stay calm all the time so I wont have an attack? Or do I need to start doing fun active things to get my heart rate up and take my mind off anxiety. I've never been wild and outgoing and I mean lets face it I had a stroke at 12 and been on seizure meds ever since so my teenage and young adult years were limited as to what exciting wild and crazy things I could do. I just want things to get better and not worse and part of me wants to do whatever I can to make things better but part of me just wants to go back to my regular life and pretend this condition doesn't exist until it goes away.