Thanks for the advice in my last entry. I appreciate your ideas but I'm still kind of in a difficult situation. Since I quit working and moved back home almost a year ago now, I have filled my days with tv, talking on the phone, movies, computer, reading, etc so sometimes I dread doing those things because there's only so much you can do before it gets boring after a while especially when you're by yourself. I do not feel comfortable just getting in my car and driving to the library or the park or the mall to people watch or any of that, if I had a panic attack that day. Then if I have one while Im out, that makes me nervous about driving home. If I have fun while Im out and no attacks, then Im scared to go home. yeah sucks,

I usually do have things to do on Saturdays. Like I said in my last entry, last Saturday was the first time in 6 months that I did not go anywhere or hang out with anyone. I stayed in my room all day but it was not too bad. I did have an attack that night before bed but I was still thankful I managed to make it through my day all alone in my room by myself. I did not get anxious and feel like I needed to force myself to go somewhere. I slept good that night. Sunday was great. I went to church with some of my family. There were 2 church services so I was pretty much there all day then I hung out at my cousins' house for a little bit before deciding to come on home. I had an attack that night as well but once again I was just happy I'd made it through the whole day without any. Church was great and I was feeling confident that things are going to get better for me soon.

Yesterday was a little more difficult though. Even though I spent the whole day pretty much with my boyfriend, I got dizzy while we were at the movies but I tried to ignore it. I made it through lunch and drove us back home but got dizzy again when we were watching tv. It was like I had a staring spell. Since they have only been happening once or twice a day lately I tried to remain hopeful but I had a panic attack after I got out of the shower. It was one of those "feel like Im about to have a seizure" attacks.

Last night was not any better. While falling asleep, I jumped up and threw the covers off me saying Im scared. Through the night I remember opening my eyes saying help me and screaming in my pillow "help me!" I don't know if these were just dreams and I was sleep talking and it woke me up or if I was really having attacks and calling out to God, I do not see my therapist for another 3 weeks but I am trying my best to stay sane in the meantime. I wish I could just block out the memories of the seizures and attacks from the last 2 years. It was hard enough to be happy when I was depressed about the stroke. Trying to control my thoughts, find things to do everyday and not think about the past is an even greater challenge. I will be glad when the day comes that I can look back and say thank God I dont have to go through that anymore.