My stroke isn't really what got me in the position I am in now. Yes the brain injury caused seizures but the seizures are what made me have to quit my job and move back home and the panic/anxiety/psychogenic seizures are what have made my life so difficult this past year. Perhaps, I need a support group for the psychological problems. I feel like you guys cannot really relate just as my christian friends tell me everything will be okay if I just pray, have faith, and speak positive. I appreciate the comments and I know you guys read my blog but today I was thinking maybe I should go back to just the stroke talk. I feel like you guys could relate more and I got better/more advice and support.

Yesterday I decided to lay in bed all day on the computer. Ever since I moved to my apartment I had been avoiding laying on my bed on the computer because thats all I ever did at my dad's house and I had seizures laying in bed on my computer. So my mission for the past 6 months had just been watch netflix on my couch, maybe watch tv in my room for a little bit, and try to get out the apartment as much as possible. But yesterday I just lay here. I got bored but I slept wonderfully lastnight. Instead of waking up screaming for help, I would wake up, thank God, then fall right back asleep. Maybe my brain just needed a break. I don't know. It was a good day though.

Today has been great as well. After getting 10 hours of sleep, I decided to live today like I was never diagnosed with all those stupid psychological disorders. (I tried this a few months ago but it didnt take long for me to have an attack, give up, and accept my condition and try to do my best to deal with it.) Yesterday I watched a bunch of videos on exercises for stroke. My boyfriend who has cp said his hand/wrist/arm used to be like mine but now he can use it really good so between him and the videos I see online of other stroke survivors progressing, I felt motivated to get back in the habit. As I've said before, life was hard but it was much easier when my main focus was getting my left side better (not trying to figure out this psychological crap everyday).

exercise

So this morning I went for a walk around my neighborhood wearing my wrist support and trying to keep my elbow from bending as I walked. I came inside and cleaned my apartment then did more exercises stretching my arm and elbow. I have been wearing my splint for 6 hours. I attended an online career fair. I never let my stroke stop me from working and Im tired of this psychological crap messing up my life so attending the career fair gave me something to do and helped me not focus on my arm being straight in the splint for 3 hours. I did not find any jobs in my area and I do not want to work from home anymore but my vocational rehabilitation counselor is supposed to be working on an employment plan with me soon so Im just being patient.

epiphany

I used to complain so much about my arm, my vision loss, all the things I could not do. As crazy as it sounds Im kinda glad I had to experience the seizures/psychological crap. Before experiencing all that I probably would be laying here crying and depressed, bored, worried about my license, dwelling on still being "stuck like this" after 13 years, and just wishing I could do better with my life. But instead, today has been a wonderful day and Im just grateful I slept good and had no attacks today.