Oh caged bird, I wish I could put my arms around you and tell you that it will be ok...but I am here and you are there, so here is my virtual hug {{{}}}   It seems to me you had a couple of good nights recently, so this one may be just a little set back, you never know....your good nights just might be around the corner.  I know when I have trouble sleeping, lying there and thinking about not sleeping is the worst.  My mind goes full speed to thinking about problems at work, home, or my mom's stroke.  I find it best to not fight the not sleeping and get up and make myself a cup of hot tea and play some on-line word games. I will add you to my prayers.

You are absolutely right that it is a constant battle and when one happiness moment ends then there comes another challenge or bad dream to vaporize the goodness and contentedness. The nights are the battle ground for me too CagedBird. The time out with others is so happy and then it ends and I am alone and miserable. Then the frustrations and disappointments and time to think or regret. The worries of course and who in their right minds going through all of this wouldn't be full of anxiety about things and the future. I give it to God and then I have to grab it back when it isn't fixed immediately so I can fuss a while again. I often wonder what I am doing wrong and I fail to look at the situation around me that is out of control here in my life and I don't know what to do about it but wait and let it sort out while I do what I can do which is not much these days. I too don't want any more pills or any more cheery cliches to just emphasize the emptiness that haunts my soul when I am in oh-yeah-that-mood. it is so hard to continue to life one boot out of the mud and then the other ones gets stuck. no wonder I want to just stop moving a little while because it seems pointless but I don't want to be in mud either so it just feels awful. And sometimes I want to sit here a little while and just feel muddy. What is wrong with being muddy a while anyway.

The scariest thoughts come at night for some reason and I feel that awful feeling that I am being weighed down by the negativity and it is exhausting to fight that dragon every night. I just found a way to deal with it by journaling all those thoughts and feelings and I just want to let those feelings sit there and not fight them and not give in to them and just let them sit there on paper. Then I close the book and leave those words there to think about tomorrow.  Then I sleep. My journal is my dream catcher that has all the words that are floating in my head that are parts of feelings some unnamed and unknown even but they are just feelings and the bad ones don't stay around any longer than the good ones do.

I notice that the happy feelings fade and then the bad seeps in and then there is happy again as the days change or even the hours change. There is always something around me to bring sadness yet there is always something around to make me feel content or smile. My feelings are changing so much and since the stroke there is even an intensity to them that I never had before. Feelings can be like something I can touch now or this pain in my chest that closes around me. Even beauty can be painful like if I imagine a nice memory that chokes me up well all these physical expressions in words are exactly what I feel.

It is not easy to get by sometimes and I like how honest you are and so keenly in touch with yourself. There is your strength. I like how you are not afraid to say how it really is sometimes. I too have moments like that where I do not want to sugar coat how awful the reality can be.  I am so glad to read another post that is like the thoughts I have and I don't feel so bad for not always being cheery perky. I am often in some dark corner being afraid of this new dark. It helps me to look around while I am there and not be so terrified of the shadows in there.

But sometimes enough is enough and I go watch some nice movie until I am exhausted. I like to read and if my eyes cooperate then I do that. I too like tea or some decaf and some snack.  One of my problems too is waking up with bad dreams. I linger there after waking and the pain is harsh inside and I feel so many things related to the dream. I will either have to get up and just get dressed to go out and put it behind in the distractions of life or I will grab my journal and just put it in there. Close the book then.  Dreams are so vivid with me now. I often wake crying over someone in the past or something now and who takes a dream seriously when I talk about it. So writing helps me. My dream world is as busy as my waking one sometimes LOL.

Whether I feel hopeful or not the times and feelings will change and there will be another good fun time that happens. Sometimes I just have to be patient and wait for the tide to turn and find a good new snack and movie to help distract me while it does. I give myself permission that I don't always have to feel cheery and hopeful and I don't feel ashamed for any way I feel and I think my dream feelings are as real as my waking ones. I also believe that my feelings will change and that sometimes I just have to do something else even just to distract me. I try and avoid that maze of what is the point because then I get hungry and it seems all roads lead to lunch time anyway for me. I am simple.

Well I don't know if a word of this helps but at least you can see that I am way more weird here and going through similar things. I love your sensitive soul and I know that you are courageous to be facing all of these ghosts.

Caged Bird, depression is a dangerous condition. It is understandable that you suffer from it but you need to get help before it conaquers you. The problem is you have ample reason to be depressed. Anyone in your condition would be, at least some of the time. But since your damaged brain obviously works well enough to allow you to express yourself in writing with great skill and eloquence, you also have ample reason to live. You might not be able to do everything you once did but, heck, that happens to one degree or another to all of us as we grow older. Ever see a 90-year-old who could dunk a basketball or even shoot a jump shot? Life is all about adjusting to the changes we invariably encounter as the years go by. In your case, the change came faster and in a more extreme way so your adjustments are more difficult. But you can still adjust, I believe. This forum is filled with proof. Some of the stories truly awe me. I hope you are reading them and finding inspiration from them.

I think venting your fears and frustrations with a blog is a very good thing for you to do. It is a form of therapy, in fact. With luck it will help lift those dark clouds that sometimes engulf you. Beyond that, professional help could be useful. Zoloft is not the only treatment for depression, you know. 

I just went back and read all of your postings on this web site. It seems to me that you have made a good deal of progress and that you are in pretty good shape, all things considered. I know that doesn't change the fact that you are not fully healed and feel awful at times but pespective is always important. Furthermore you seem to have strong support from your dad, which is a real blessing and probably has a lot to do with the progress you've made so far. Finally there seems to be some evidence that your body, its brain included, is still repairing so who knows what the future will bring. You are a beautiful, intelligent, eloquent young woman who probably has more cause for cheer than she realizes. 

I know words are cheap and that facts are facts, but sometimes, when we fall deep into a funk, the facts can be buried by the funk and thus overlooked. Don't let that happen to you, Caged. Remember, thanks to your good mind and exceptional creativity, you are not really caged. Here's to stretching your wings broadly. Good luck as you soar through the skies.

Ron