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Lump in my throat,tears streaming down..


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Today, was a good day, but sad. Let me explain. I went with my best friend from high school, and roomie from college, on a little road trip to visit another friend. WE had a good time, but I received a letter from myself today!! Let me explain in more detail... I didn't go to my 10 yr. high school reunion, b/c I wasn't going to take my crippled A to see people I didn't care to see in high school! Well our class had a time capsule.And my high school friends, picked up the item I put in the time capsule. I put some crappy tapes in it, and a letter to myself. It was only 10 yrs ago, but it was sad seeing my old handwriting, as the stroke took my dominant hand. I had such high hopes for my future 10 yrs ago. I didn't think I would end up a stroke survivor of all things. I felt the need to protect the innocent Amy who wrote the letter. I was so young and innocent then. Ten yrs away seemed like a fairy tale! Here is some clips of the letter.

"Dearest Amy,

Hey! It's 10 yrs from now. Is my handwriting the same?

Here is a quick profile of my Senior yr.

Age:18

Weight:110

Height:5'6"

Favorite Song: If I close my eyes forever

 

"I am planning on going to college, and majoring in Elementary Education, and finding a future husband."

Do I still hear from James? (an ex) NO B/C HE IS DEAD NOW!!

10 YRS FROM NOW: Age 28!!

Lots of wrinkles? 28 seems like a lifetime away, but it will go by fast!

Do I have any kids? I hope I have at least one, a girl.

Am I married? I hope, to a great Christian guy. Was loosing my virginity, as good as I thought?

I hope I waited until I got married.

Who was the first to die in our class?

Are Mom and Dad still alive?

Well I love you Amy, I hope the next ten years are as good as you hoped!

Senior'94

Love,

Amy

 

I know everyone feels this way, BUT I DIDN't HAVE A FRIGGIN STROKE IN MY PLANS!! sob, sob. I know that none of ya'll did, but I guess, I do a good job of disguising my true hatred to the word stroke! F You Stroke!! I have had an overwhelming bucket of grief poured over me tonight. I wish, there was some way, I could have warned that innocent little 18 yr. old, and made better choices with my life!! What am I going to look back at 10 yrs. from now, and think? I had it good???

poop, I hope not, b/c if it gets worse from here, I am throwing in my towel, in this journey of life!!

 

I am sure, that I am going to regret this blog, in the morning. I also had photos in the letter too. None were of my prize and blessing daughter.*smile,*smile. I am going to stop typing, before I get more sad, and get to bed. I start my volunteering work at the church tom. I am trying to piece my life back together, but it is so F-ing hard!!

I am sorry, I try to keep my spirits up, but I have been around friends that choose for their biggest medical trauma, to be the anethesia from cosmetic superficial poop.

Hell I wish, I could have blown 10 grand on something superficial, not stroke. I am just busting my ass trying to get a normal leg and arm!! I am shutting up now, time for Xanax and bed awww! relaxing......

Venting,

Amy

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Amy, there is a saying- People plan; God laughs. So true. Do you really think anyone had plans that went the way they planned? A friend I've known for almost 68 years seemed to have it all when we graduated high school. She had a high school sweetheart. He did not attend college and she did - for 1 year and then entered the local hospital to become a nurse. They married 4 years after and he started working for the local newspaper and advanced and remained in that job until retirement; she was a nurse. Her grandfather gave them a piece of property which they were able to build a home. Two healthy sons later and then a daughter. Her daughter did not seem right a few months after birth and they found out she had CP. All in perhaps 5 years, not even 10. To the present. Her two boys married and had children who are turning out fine as well; her daughter grew up and got a job with the post office; she became a widow a few years ago when her husband had surgery for carpal tunnel which went well but when he decided to go to bed early the next night, never woke up and on and on.

 

What about those friends you were with? Did their lives turn out as they wished?

 

What is the answer? I think complete acceptance of "what is". We don't know any more that's going to happen to us, but why waste time worrying about it? You're started in the right direction by volunteering at church and improving. You WILL get better each day, possibly 99%, but a stroker can never get to 100%. 10 years from now? You will be ok because you are survivor. Ever think where your friends will be?

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Amy,

Phyllis makes a very good point regarding where your friends are and will be in 10 years. I just want you to know that what you are feeling is a normal part of grieving over what happened to you. Really...it's okay.

 

I know, I hate the F ing stroke too. I HATE it, just like you but I have to move on as I know you are doing. We all have a time of grief and ranting so don't be sorry about what you wrote. It goes along with the territory of progress.

 

Oh, and who knows if any of us will even be alive in 10 years.

There is something I read here one time that has stuck with me ever since. If I were to die right now, the world would continue on without me, so all my troubles that I worry about are to what avail? It doesn't help with the time I have left so let's get on with living. Sometimes thinking about that helps me to let things go. You just keep getting better like I know you will. You are a SURVIVOR!! See, now let that word, PUSH you up to the top. Yeah.....SURVIVOR even though you didn't choose it or want it, the fact that you are what you are, is Life.

 

The best to you very brave, strong young woman. pash.gif

Cindy

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Amy,

 

I know exactly how you feel, 3 years ago, I had my 20th reunion. I went, course most of my former classmates knew about the stroke. But I got my perspective from the fact that out of 79 of us, 4 had died already, another had suffered multiple heart attacks, and 5-10 of them were drunk and acting stupid as if 20 years hadn't passed and they were still teenagers. So my point is this- I may have had a stroke, I may now be looked at as damaged in some way because everytthing doesn't work right. But I wasn't dead, a lush, immature or in possesion of a bad heart. Life isn't bad. Find the positive in everything!

Pam

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