This weekend I'm taking Kathy up to Michigan to live with her father until they can find her an assited living place close to her family. Next week is cleaning frenzy time to get back my old way of doing things.
For the past 4 years I've been playing the part of the happy little husband while my insides where churning. I knew from the moment I married Kathy that our marriage was going to end in a divorce, it was only a matter of when and why.
So why did I marry her you ask? I had planned on visiting her for a weekend, but at the time I was living with my parents and they went balastic. Dad clubed my car to keep that from happening. Being the rebeleous type I packed up and moved up to Michigan.
As soon as I saw Kathy face to face, I knew it wasn't going to work. But, I had gotten myself stuck in a situation with no visible ways out. Then, her son fell in love with me and that settled the fact I had to force myself to live happily in an unhappy marriage.
Fast forward past 1 seperation and my spirit being broken I was ready to throw in the towel. Then the stroke entered our lives. So suddenly, I had to not only pretend to be happy when I was misserable, but I had to also fill the role of a great caregiver.
Why do I force myself to fill these rolls instead of just letting me be me? I've been doing this since a young age. Being undiagnosed as having suffered TBI in my accident I was pegged as slow and other cruel things. I pushed myself to fill the nitch of a normal person and had many fooled even though I was a very unhappy child. When I started getting into relationships I kept looking for woman who needed me to fill a certain roll to continue this habit.
So, I joined this site and filled the role of a loving husband who adored his wife and a terrific caregiver. I even volunteered as a chat host to fill the role of a die hard member. In the midst of all of this something unexpected happened.
I met a member on this site who had the intuition to read between the lines and see how much pain I was in on the inside. We became friends and she helped me see that I didn't need to fill the role of a good friend, but just be myself (my TRUE self) and that was enough. Thanks to her I was able to step outside of all the rolls I had been filling in my life and notice that I'm actually a great person just being who I am.
The bad side effect was that once I left the rolls behind and started being who I truly am, the fact of how unhappy I am and have been came crashing in on me. This was when she became my best friend. With her support and understanding I was able to work through probably one of the darkest times of my life. It didn't matter to her to hear me cry and get into a pity party. She was there to support me and help me regain what I had been missing my whole life, me.
I could never thank her enough for being there and being such a great friend. I just have to be carefull not to fall into the familiar habit of being a roll filler and just be me. It will take time and effort, but at least now I can live on my own and meet the person I was supposed to be my entire life.