I have just read Jeans post trial by fire and it got me thinking about my own relationship.
Some you may know that I stroked when I was on holiday in Spain on our wedding anniversary. We had gone to Barcelona to try and "rescue" our marriage. We had been going thru years of turmoil because of my husband jealosy. It is very hard to prove you didnt do something. I was too much of a coward to leave. Lots of excuses made me put up with it- kids too young, no money, no where to live, no family nearby, he would take the children etc etc. I dont want to go into lots of detail- it is very private( I dont even know why I am writng this).
When I was in hospital in Spain he was brilliant. I remember landing in Scotland and bursting into tears. I remember thinking I was glad to be home and thinking he is certainly going to leave me now.
When I got home from hospital he couldnt do enough for me. He was like the man I had originally married all those years ago. This lasted for the first three months or so and then the old paranoia started creeping in. I could barely walk or talk but he thought I was off gadding about when he was at work. I dont know when or where the turning point was but he is now on a more even keel. I am convinced he was suffering from depression but he wouldnt have it. .....I started taking the anti depressants and in a funny way I think it helped him.
Fotunately I have recovered well, so I am able to pull my own weight now. In a strange sort of way the stroke has made me stronger. If he goes into one of his moods, I try to ignore it. I have had to listen more and to think about what I am going to say more.
Has he stayed because of guilt. I will never know. I believe stress must be a factor in strokes. It is still not perfect. Is any marriage perfect. I know I am never going to be treated the way I would like to be.
I miss him when he is away, but he annoys me(sometimes) when he is here.
What would have happened if I hadnt made a good recovery I dont know- he never acknowledges anything which is wrong with me is the stroke- there is all ways another reason.
All I know is we are lot happier now than we were two years ago. I sometimes wonder if we would still be together if I hadnt stroked -we will never know. I know I have got to forgive otherwise the bitterness and resentment would destroy me. Sometimes it is hard.
I really dont know why I have written this.
I am off too bed. maybe I will delete this tomorrow
Blogging is meant to be cathartic- I am not sure. This has just bought back memories- not all good