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Rambling Again!!!!!!!!!!!


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Today I have been really concerned with Chris. He did nothing but sleep again today. He had no interest in doing any of his exercises, he was very snappy with everyone, he especially snapped at out daughter today, which is one person he never raised his voice to.

 

We talked tonight about what he was feeling and he said that he was very depressed today and that he is very angry at this stroke. He also said that he should have "checked out" when the stroke happened. He also said that he can't take the pain anymore in his affected arm. Now the neurologist had increased his Neurotin, put all it seems to do is make him doppey and sleep. So is it really helping with the pain or just knocking him out? Chris also told me today that he should just have the arm taken off. He said it's useless so what's the sense of having it hanging there anymore. I had asked him if he feels like he should go to a counselor and talk about the way he is feeling and he said no. I can't force him to go but on the other hand I can't stand to see him like this. (He is on a combination of anti-depressants and I can't say that they are not working)

 

Then latter tonight we started talking about all the things he would like to do once this dang hot weather breaks. He wants me to take him to parks, have picnics, go for walks, go to the local park/damm and watch the boats, which I told him I would love to do these things. Our town has a local fall harvest feastival which we talked about tonight and he wants to go. So earlier today he was depressed and slept and latter tonight he was verbalizing his feelings with me and seemed to be much better. He's very anxious about our appointment this week at Good Shepard Rehab.

 

I guess he continues to go through the stages, the same stages I went through when he first had the stroke. It is very hard for me to watch him go through this - but all I can do is continue to be his support.

 

I know one thing that I must do tommorrow is to tell the aide that if he doesn't want to exercise with her for 2 - 3 hours some days that she needs to leave him alone. Sometimes she can be like a drill sargent and we all have bad days and just don't feel like doing things. But immediately if Chris doesn't do his daily routine with her she thinks that something is wrong with him and wants me to immediately call this doctor and that doctor or she tells me that he is on too much medication and it is doping him and that's the reason he can't do anything. Sometimes I wonder if she is some of Chris' problem. I think she pushes him too hard......I know there have been days that she has caused him pain in the ROM she does. She is constantly comparing him to another stroke survivor she cared for. Although this person didn't seem to have a "massive" stroke and was walking and able to care for himself. Chris is completely different than what she is used to. She expects him to be able to just "snap out of this." Sometimes I wish I could just stop working and we would be able to make it on his disability and then I could just take care of him myself.

 

Oh boy, here I go, rambling again..................

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As hard as it was to hear your husband verbalize this stuff, it's good that he got his feeling out in the open where you two can deal with them.

 

From my own caregiver experience, I think your idea of getting Chris out as much as possible this fall to community events is a good one. We do all the festivals, park concerts, lodge dinners, outdoor arts and farmer's markets that we can fit around our other committements. It might not work for all survivors, but I firmly believe that getting out like this helps my husband to keep focused on other things besides himself and his deficiences.

 

Hang in there! Jean

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Hi, What Chris verbalized is a very normal thing for survivors and more common to have those feelings then people would think. I wouldn't be too concerned, I remember once shouting to a room full of people...."I wish I had died! It would have been better then dealing with this!" Now, I've since moved past those feelings. I'm glad I didn't die, I'm having a ball living my life retired and independent. But it took me a year and a half to reach feeling the way I do now and I'm not living with daily pain either.

Lots of luck,

Pam

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