Guess I will keep writing for me.

Thought about starting a journal for so many reasone but never kept it up. Some reasons....afraid someone would find and read it, ashamed of my feelings, didnt want to read back and see how messed up I am.

So why do this blog thing?

Who knows.

What to write?

I have such a long "someday" list. Someday we will do this, go there, get that. So now does that really matter? How much somedays will be left? How will I feel?

Since I had my stroke, I have lost my job and along with it any life insurance I had. So no matter how hard things get, how bad the pain is, I am worth more alive than dead to my family. Some days that stinks!!! Some days I have so much pain in my arm from the stroke and joints from lyme disease that if that were not the case I would seriously think about .....cant say it.

I have worked with the same group of nurses for over 10 years and not one of them ever call. Wonder if I would have been like that? Maybe its too much for them ...being confronted with the possibility of something like this happening to a peer at a young age...after all the people we care for are not like us..we are invincible...super beings who can work long hours, holding in massive quantities of urine because theres no time to take that break, ignoring hunger cause we have no time to go to lunch, cheat the grips of the reaper on a daily basis...and expect to be doing this how long??? before our health is affected somehow. I would have expected a heart attack but not this. Stroke??? makes me picture an old woman in a wheelchair with a feeding tube and no muscle tone, soft and wrinkled....I expected to be that old cratchety nurse/patient who would be swearing like a sailor and entertaining the staff while hospitalized for kidney failure caused by years of holding it in.

Mary Flood...I can see her as clear as day. Took care of her when I was just an aide...how we laughed and enjoyed hearing her swear out the doctors and nurses...she was a sweet old woman but the effects of kidney disease on her brain made her the opposite...she was proper and would never swear when her lytes were fairly normal, but once they rose...look out! We used to joke ...there we go in 50 or 60 years!!! Kinda looked forward to that.

Now I can pee too freely at times, have time to eat too much, and feel like some days I cant care for my family as I should.

Just rambling, but guess thats good