People come in and out of your life for a reason - just like everything that happens has a reason - we may not know what that reason is immediately however it usually makes itself understood at some point before that person leaves your life or the event has been done and over with for a bit. I also believe that we are only given as much as we can handle, at first...then we are shown how much more we can actually handle, ...and the we are shown how much we have been designed to handle - why? I'm not sure - the only answer I've come up with so far is that some are given more in order to spare those who truly cannot handle as much as others......Somehow putting an altruistic spin on it makes it seem not so bad....Hopefully all the crap I've been through has helped someone else not suffer so much....Is that too much of a stretch? I hope not and I hope you, my reader, have enough faith to believe as well. A very good friend of mine has a mantra that I love - "helping others is the rent we pay for our stay here on earth" Isn't that nice? Yes. I'm a goof - and I wear my heart on my sleeve - I love helping others and will do so without a momemt's thought. :Dance:

My dearest husband will most likely disagree with my decision but I am going to do my Girl Scout Troop - at least one more year..... Being around kids brings me a great deal of peace - and knowing that I have helped them in some small way to have a better childhood than I did, helps me to wipe just a little more of that nasty, greasy, slimy, memory away. I am an adult survivor of child abuse, both sexual/physical and mental. It echoes through my actions even today - I never ever feel like what I'm doing is good enough, I always feel that the people around me deserve someone so much better than me. I fight with this every day, a never-ending battle. These days the wounds do not go as deep nor do I bleed for as long, but I am still way hyper-sensitive, sometimes seeing hurts and damages where there are none ( better to be prepared than to be caught by surprise and be hurt even more deeply). :doh:

It really caught me by surprise just how close those emotions are to the surface when I was in the hospital for my ear infection. The lovely Doctor - who was only doing his excellent job and what needed to be done (sucking out the gunk in my ear). But during that VERY painful process I found myself curling up into a fetal position on the pallet and grabbing the hands of one nurse and locking my legs around some other poor soul who happened to volunteer to hold my feet. The pain was so intense that I literally woke my self out of a "waking memory" by pleading with all of them to: "Stop, please stop, I'll be a good girl, oh, Please stop" Ouch. I can only imagine what was going through that surgical staff's minds. They must have dealt with something like this before though because they had no problem holding me and rocking me a little when they were done. My ENT even gave me a brief intense hug, told me that I would be alright and that he loved me and would be checking on me later. Now with tears streaming down my face they cleaned me up, the doc gave me some pain medication and said that he would have the hospital chaplain come and sit with me for a while because he didn't want to medicate me to calm me down. How nice is it to be told by someone taking care of you that they love you and do the exact right thing that they know will help you heal inside and out?

I don't talk much about my childhood except for the bright super-pretties that I can remember. I have literally blocked out most of my childhood before the age of 12. Now after the stroke I think many of them that i was hiding from myself are quite literally gone for good.My "sense of mindfulness" hurts less than I remember it having done ever. So maybe my "cheap" lobotomy did some real good along with a little bit of the bad.

Wow, I am so much better now. I needed to get that out because I really felt like I was going to blow.... Just found out yesterday that my brother Heath :yikes: is going back overseas to Afghanistan this time, not Iraq. He really tried to console me by saying that he was going to be far away from the fighting and in an area that the Afghan army has control of and is not close to the drug trade areas......As you can imagine, this did not do a good job of relieving my concern. How pathetic but all I could think of is that I couldn't bear to lose him - It would be almost as bad as if I lost my husband

. I am not prepared for him to die yet - hopefully this is all foolish talk and I am worrying for nothing....but you know how sometimes you just get those weird feelings that just lay down deep in your soul that tells you that something has already been decided? I dearly hope this is just me being hyper-sensitive and a result of letting some things go........I can't help it - I will miss him so, just knowing he is on the same continent as me alleviates the worry a bit. He'll be gone from September until the end of March next year. What a wimp......sorry to whine......... :bop:

The picture above is from when he was in Iraq before over Christmas 2004

Tuesday August 22, 2006 - 12:07pm (CDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments