It's been a couple of days since I last blogged. I'm getting a little more comfortable with it now - journalling has always been difficult for me.

Friday the doctor hit me with the big one. What to do from here? Bill is still incredibly weak - not safe at home right now since I can't stay up all night and if he gets up without me the likelihood of a fall is so great. What shall we do? Two options - first she will look into whether he qualifies for the sub-acute unit. He will be discharged from the hospital and move to the sub-acute unit where he will get physical rehab to help him regain some strength for a couple of weeks. The other, of course is skilled nursing. That's more difficult since I remember the last time he was there and it was incredibly difficult.

I told her I don't want to make the decision. It's too hard. The guilt is horrible. I feel like such a failure, when I read of others who have been able to take care of their husband for multiple, multiple years. Every case is different, I know.

Friday his red blood count was back down to 8.8 - Sunday (after two transfusions) it was at 9.8, Monday at 9.6 and now 8.8 - they don't want to call in a hematologist yet. Nothing has shown in his GI track, except the H-pilori bacteria and I guess they think that may be the cause of the anemia....I'll check today.

Yesterday I spent in bed. I'd stopped and gotten a chicken sandwich on my way home from the hospital Friday night - woke up about 1 a.m. so sick......I was awake every hour. Then at about 6 the vomiting began. Again, every hour.....finally about noon I was able to "clear" my stomach I think....then the temp started to go up. I don't know what it was - food poisoning? a bug? I called Bill's mom and she said - "oh, that's been going around our church." No comment.......

I wonder what I'd do if I got sick like that with Bill here? Does my body naturally ward off illness when he's here? Is it exhaustion that sets in when I don't have to be "on call"? The same thing happened when he went into Blumenthal's in February. One day in bed, then I was ok and ready to go again. The mind and body are funny things.

Anyway, it's back up to the hospital today. I just called and he is sleeping. I think he is settling in because for a few days he was up all day and now he seems to be slipping back into his normal pattern at home. We shall see - this is no fun for me - I can only imagine the nightmare it is for him.