Yesterday seemed to be a new beginning for Bill - and it seems that way for me right now, too. A friend called him while I was out and he told her he would not be coming home, rather will be going into rehab. I was surprised when she told me he had told her that because I wasn't sure how much he had understood or remembered about the plan. Also, I think he has been playing on my emotions abit in that if he has continually commented about "when they will let me out" and hasn't mentioned the rehab thing to me. He does know how to play me!!!

It's the old "stay in today" thing. Whenever I try to write the end of the story before it's even begun I get crazy. I think that's pretty normal - we all seem to want to know how our life will play out before it's time for us to know.

Yesterday the doctor sat me down for a good talk. God always seems to send just the right person into my life at just the right time. Seems her husband had an accident that left him with a closed head injury. He was in rehab for seven years. I don't know his status now. She is quite young. She explained to me the stages I'm going through are all normal. She reiterated the fact that my role is changing right now, and since I've been Bill's caregiver for these two years it will take some adjustment to turn his care over and become his wife again. Boy, that's the truth. It's going to take Bill some adjustment too - he waits for me to come to the hospital to help him shower and change. His tech told me he wouldn't change or shower yesterday, but told him he was waiting for me and I would help him!!! When I asked for towels the tech handed me his bed linens, too. I told him I'd help Bill while he took care of the bed - guess everybody will let another do it all if they are willing.

She also explained the neurologist's evaluation. Yes, there have been changes over the past month. No, he hasn't suffered another stroke. Two medications have been added - 5 mg. celexa for depression and namenda for dementia. I thought they were replacing the aricept with namenda but it is a complimentary medication I guess. His evaluation also revealed there is nothing additional that can be done. This is the progression of the disease and due to the dead brain cells there isn't any way to "rehab" that which isn't there. So, I will enjoy my husband as he is. It seemed yesterday he was less teary so I hope the celexa is kicking in a little. Due to his bipolar it is real tricky because they don't want to tip him into a "mania" although it has been pretty obvious he needs a little boost.

It's too bad Bill hasn't been able to admit any depression. I've tried to explain to him that as I've read the board I've noticed most survivors have been prescribed an anti-depressant of some sort post-stroke. For some reason he hasn't been able to acknowledge the elephant in the living room - maybe that's part of the other issues in his life.

I had a moment of clarity yesterday when I got to the hospital. I'd spoken with Bill several times Saturday, and a couple of times yesterday morning - assuring him of where I was, what I was doing and that I would be there when I got chores done. When I got to the hospital the first words out of his mouth were, "Where have you been?" Not, "I'm so glad to see you." Not, "Are you ok?" No - "where were you?"...It took me back to my surgery in June when he was at the hospital for about 1/2 hour...Now, I understand his health situation. It's just almost amusing that when I was in the hospital the total time with me was 1/2 hour, and when he is in the hospital he wants me there all the time. When he is sleeping he wants me to sit beside him - when he is awake and watching Law & Order for the umpteenth time he wants me there. He has gotten to the point where if I'm reading he asks me when I'll be finished. When asked if he needs anything, he doesn't - it's just that "you're not really here with me". I've done this to myself. And I'm not the only caregiver to do it I'm sure. I think it is one of the things that causes caregiver burn-out though. We do gradually lose ourself and I'm finding the road back to be extremely challenging.

Anyway, I'm able to be a little more clear today. I know what I know. I do love my husband and of course would love to care for him totally and completely. However, I have to be realistic. I'm not unique. For five years I've been in this role - first with dad, then with mom, then with Bill and mom and now with Bill. It's quite a journey!